While I was away (Part II)

The second part of our 10 day trip took us to Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates (UAE).

Did you know that there are seven Emirates making up the UAE? Did you know that of the seven Emirates only three produce oil? Of the three that produce oil Abu Dhabi is the one that accounts for 94% of the total oil production in this country while Dubai produces 4% with the balance of 2% being produced in Sharjah? Well now you know!!

Abu Dhabi is the capital of UAE by virtue of contributing 94% of the total oil revenue of this country and is the seat of the UAE government. It is a relatively new city having risen from its humble beginnings as a desert town 40 short years ago thanks in part to its vast reservoirs of oil sitting under its desert environment and estimated to last another 70 years at a production rate of 3 million barrels per day.

UAE has a total population of about 9.5 Million inhabitants and comprises of 600,000 indigenous people called the Emiratis who control the economy and own all the businesses and factors of production. The workforce of 8.9 Million is provided by people from across the world and from every conceivable continent that drive the economy with the vast majority of non-skilled labor coming from Asia.

All this information was given to us by a very knowledgeable tour guide originally from Sri Lanka and who has lived in the Emirates for the last 15 years.

The contrast between Delhi and Abu Dhabi starts at the airport. Whereas we had obtained our valid e-visas for both countries in Kenya, in India it took a minimum of 10 minutes for them to process your entry into the country while in Abu Dhabi this was done within a minute. The queues at the exchange bureaus at the airport in India need no repeating and the process in Abu Dhabi look literally seconds and with a promise that your remaining dirhams would be reconverted back to the original currency at the same rate on your way out of the country so that you did not suffer exchange losses. From entering the airport terminal to boarding our bus in India it had taken well over 4 hours while in Abu Dhabi this was accomplished within 45 minutes.

While infrastructurally the two countries are almost similar with wide highways and infrastructural development projects ongoing at a frenetic pace, the roads, streets and sidewalks of Abu Dhabi are scrupulously clean and free of congestion. Perhaps the fact that we arrived on a Friday the traditional day of rest in this predominantly Muslim country may have worked in our favor but this was F1 weekend and hordes of tourists were expected into the country. This is clearly a well-planned city unlike Delhi which seems to be two different cities of New Delhi and Old Delhi one representing order and sanity the other representing chaos and anarchy.

Day 1 was an exciting day of sightseeing and included a desert safari complete with a session of dune bashing, that insane sport where you follow each other in a convoy of fast moving 4x4 wheel drive Land Cruisers across the sand dunes in an exciting session of sliding up and down those gigantic sand dunes……something not for the faint hearted! Thanks to one of the passengers in the vehicle that I was in who succumbed to motion sick we got lost in the desert for at least 15 minutes and with a driver who spoke nothing else but Arabic we had no idea what they were conversing with his colleagues on phone as we wandered about looking for the rest of the convoy whom we found at the venue of the evening dinner among the sand dunes and loud piped music to our huge relief.

A delicious dinner under the clear desert skies followed and was finished off by an exotic belly dancer from Ukraine doing her thing to thunderous applause from the large crowd of tourists present. The desert safari is a must do experience for anyone visiting the Arabian Peninsula countries for the sheer exhilaration of speeding through desert dunes followed by an authentic dinner under the stars.

But we were here for Formula 1 the last race of the F1 season and which promised to be the culmination of an epic battle between two rivals that ironically race for the same team so as to determine the winner of the 2016 season. The event was at Yas Marina Circuit on Yas Island a reclaimed island that is now a popular recreation venue hosting the F1 circuit, Ferrari World, Yas Water World, multiple upmarket hotels, the Yas Links Golf Club and Yas Mall the largest mall in Abu Dhabi amongst others. Yas Island attracted 25 Million visitors in 2015 just so that you can get some perspective on what good planning to attract visitors can do for a country and its economy.

I am not a particularly great fan of F1 but some among the group are diehard fanatics and do not miss an opportunity to catch up on the action on their TV screens while in Kenya. They had managed to convince a good number of us to experience F1 racing in the raw. In addition these events normally go on long into the night with an excellent after show concert and this night promised to be a thrilling one with a live Lionel Richie concert at the adjoining Ferrari World open air stadium which to me was the highlight of the Abu Dhabi visit.

Let me confess that my F1 experience is better in the comfort of my living room because it gives you different perspectives to the same race from the starting grid, to the pit stops, any accidents, to the tight turns and the straights all captured by a battery of cameras both on the ground, in the air and on some selected drivers helmets also.

The live experience is a bit of an anticlimax because you stay in one position as defined by your ticket and then watch the cars passing by at blurring speeds. Thankfully a well-positioned large screen TV close to where we were seated allowed us to follow the race in real time much as we would do from the comfort of our homes! However the overall experience of a live event including the atmosphere, the high pitched sounds of high performance motors, the excitement, the cheering crowds, the fireworks display, the aircraft displays, the adrenaline etc cannot detract from the fact that it was a once in a lifetime experience and definitely time well spent for the qualifying and final rounds of the last race of the 2016 F1 season.

So there you have it folks, my experiences during a recent trip to India and UAE are now permanently on paper, but before I sign off it would be unfair to forget those who planned and made the trip so memorable for the 31 of us on that trip.

To DGI and EKG (you know yourselves) your planning, frequent feedback and patience over the months that we planned the trip was a breath of fresh air and you are recognized amongst us all as having been invaluable to the overall success of the trip. To the 31 souls that made the trip (again you know yourselves) we made new friendships and alliances that cannot be taken for granted and which we need to cultivate and exploit for our future well-being and peace of mind.

Finally we need to keep encouraging each other in our resolve towards attaining better health for ourselves and our families and be ambassadors to society in regards to matters of health.

And let us also not forget that what happened in India and UAE stays there!!

While I was away:

I am back to Nanyuki after a wonderful two weeks break away from work. I have come back to find that KFC is in town as is Java House at the brand spanking new Cedar Mall with other tenants continuing their fit our work to open as soon as they are done. East or west home is always best they say.

There is also a new Gulf Energy petrol station at the junction to my house that almost made me miss my turn off that was under construction when I left but is now open for business, and they say that progress happens slowly in Africa!

My sojourn while I was on leave took me to New Delhi in India and Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates. Both are the capital cities of their respective countries but they are as different as chalk from cheese. I studied in India but haven’t been there in almost 30 years so this was a nostalgic visit that brought memories flooding back of my student years despite New Delhi being hundreds of kilometers from Poona (or Pune) where I studied in the 1980’s.

We were a group of 31 men a majority being in their mid 40’s to late 50’s while the minority were in their 30’s and one gentleman in his late 70’s. It was a diverse group cobbled together by their love of golf and travel. Several in the group had been to India before either as students or visitors but for the majority it was their first time.

It has never been more difficult to travel to India than at present thanks to Prime Minister Modi’s unexpected decision a few weeks prior to our arrival to demonetize the INR 1,000.00 and INR 500.00 currency notes in a bid to tame black money and force those holding the cash in their mattresses to surrender it through the banking system in exchange for the new INR 2,000.00 notes. These two denominations represent almost 80% of the cash in circulation so in this country of 1.3 Billion people this was a logistical nightmare however you looked at it.

In addition no businesses were accepting these demonetized currency notes and as the ATM machines had not been programmed to accept the new notes the only place to exchange them was at the banks where unending queues of impatient Indians were the order of the day.

There was no respite for us tourists either and we were forced to endure a 3 hour queue at the few banks and exchange bureaus at the airport to convert the maximum allowed of the equivalent of $100.00 (INR 6,000.00 after taxes!!). It was at least a 7-10 minutes process per person something that would ordinarily take a minute at most in any other country thanks to the infamous Indian bureaucracy that I had forgotten about in the intervening 30 year period.

Our agony didn’t end there either as the hotels were not exchanging or accepting foreign currencies either as the priority was for the new currency notes to go through the commercial banking system to be available to the suffering local populace desperate to exchange their useless currency notes before they became worthless pieces of paper.

After one exhausted their INR 6,000.00 the only options left was to use your debit or credit card (when they worked) to settle your local transactions as well as do your shopping or in the alternative hope that someone among the group was willing to convert some USD into INR for you. Simple payments that we always take for granted to pay for your taxi fare, or a meal or a drink or make a tip now took on gargantuan proportions thanks to the cash crunch. Talk of having money in your pocket but being unable to use it?

One of our purposes of visiting New Delhi was to take advantage of the excellent medical facilities available in that country and undergo full medical check up’s and this we did at the very busy Apollo Indraprastha Hospital thankfully located quite close to our hotel. Theirs is a model of efficiency from the registration and reception right through the various stages of check up by various specialists including dentists, cardiologists, opticians, general practitioners, podiatrists, nutritionists, dieticians doctors that check your lung capacity, those that take chest XRAY’s a ECG readings to those that check your stress levels and so on.

The full spectrum of medical tests is carried out within a day efficiently managed by a squadron of pretty executives everyone carrying their personal files with their doctors reports which you submit at the end of the day for the final processing and then follow up visit a day or two later to see the various specialists who then discuss any issues with you. In and out in two days and with your sack of prescriptions in hand something that is likely to take several days here in Kenya and at a fraction of the cost to boot!!

Like any car that you take to the garage that always has an issue that needs repairing we all had medical issues that were revealed to us through the plethora of tests that we underwent and we were each given sage advise by the doctors and specialists along with strict instructions for diet change and exercise for those that were considered overweight by the dietician and nutritionist.

The highlight of the visit to India however was a visit to the Taj Mahal located in Agra the journey taken aboard the Gatiman Express train that takes 1 hour 50 minutes to cover the 225 kilometers distance. The story of the Taj Mahal is a story well documented so I will not dwell on the details but it covers an area of 94 acres and for a building well over 350 years it is in remarkably good condition and a labor of love as we found out. The postcard pictures don’t quite capture the architectural beauty of this wonder of the world and is a must visit for anyone touring India if for nothing else to marvel at the intricate craftsmanship and beautiful lawns of the well landscaped gardens.

(To be continued)

The season of the Ponzi scheme is on us again:

The Ponzi scheme also known as Pyramid scheme is once again alive and kicking in Kenya. One having its origins in Russia 20 years ago has been reported in the newspapers today as having taken root a few months back and is still going strong raking in millions of shillings from ever gullible Kenyans and this despite free advice from the government and concerned experts to the public to stop engaging in these dubious schemes.

A similar scheme has already collapsed in Zimbabwe to the great disappointment of many and the scheme is also running in several other African countries with incredible success if the newspaper reports are anything to go by albeit with criminal investigations ongoing in one African country.

Which begs the questions? Why do people tend to trust their hard earned money to total strangers with tall stories of get rich quick return on investment schemes (or scams)? Why do people ignore the sage advice of their government and other more discerning people? Who shall whip the greed and stupid out of these people because it is nothing other than these emotions that propel people towards these scams?

These games of ‘pata potea’ have been there from time immemorial. From the three cards Monty of yore to the sophisticated and intricate Ponzi schemes of today, people have lost and shall continue to lose money simply because of their greed for quick riches and the allure and sweet tongues of those with the gift of the gab.

At present there is a lobby group that has a case in court fighting what is no doubt a losing battle to recover billions of shillings lost 10 years ago to other unscrupulous people who engineered Ponzi schemes in the country. Similar sordid and sorry tales continue to be told across the world with entire countries still counting the cost of these Ponzi schemes on their economies.

It is very likely that the quantum of reported losses is much higher than the amount stated of Kshs. 8.1 Billion because a vast number of people who may have lost small amounts of money may have decided that the cost of pursuing what they lost was not worth the time and effort of follow up. Similarly it is also likely that there are other cleverly disguised Ponzi scams out there that are yet to be unearthed and which have already found their way into the minds and psyche of many Kenyans investors.

There appears also to be a direct correlation between the politics of Kenya and these Ponzi schemes because the game of politics firstly is a ‘pata potea’ as well. The winners ‘pata’ the spoils and continue feasting on meat at the table as was recently reported by the holder of the highest office in the country, while those who ‘poteza’ are salivating as they wait their turn to feast. It is also clear that the election campaigns have started in earnest with each side out to convince Kenyans that their message is better than the other side’s message and in blatant disregard for the law which specifies that the electioneering period within which aspirants are expected to campaign shall be announced well in advance all the more reason for these Ponzi’s to thrive.

It is also more than probable that the timing of these Ponzi schemes (along with the now well entrenched sports betting) is nothing more than a well calculated move to raise the much required campaign funds from a gullible public seeking to earn a 100% return on investment in no time flat through some dubious and unscrupulous schemes out there.

Further, with the recent enactment of the capping of interest rates on both lending and fixed deposits by commercial banks anyone who promises a fantastic return on a cash investment is sure to have a long and growing queue of investors seeking to throw their money at the said scheme regardless of the inherent risk lending credence to my theory that these Ponzi schemes are nothing but avenues for fundraising to finance what is likely to be a very high stakes campaign period as we head to another general election in 2017.

For the record, I do not participate in fund raising activities for political campaigns or even individuals aspiring to a political position something that I have held for many years so I will neither encourage nor participate in any games of chance or betting whose funds are likely to find their way to the coffers of an aspiring politician or political party. My hard earned money shall continue to earn a pitiful return on investment at the bank or be channeled to more tangible assets.

Silly season is fast approaching and I warn you that any sweet deal that promises you a return on investment greater than what banks are offering at present is likely to be nothing more than pie in the sky or manna from heaven and a myth perpetuated by people with ulterior motives to separate those gullible enough from their money.

The irony of certain situations:

Sometimes you just have to laugh at the irony of certain situations that you find yourself in rather than cry from the frustrations wrought by those you encounter.

The following is my story, embellished with some license for dramatic effect.

My duties involve overseeing the region where I am based and yesterday I visited Meru Town where construction work has commenced on a new branch location in that town. After inspecting the upcoming premises (this being my first visit) and being rather early I decided to via through Isiolo on my way back to Nanyuki through the Ruiri route directly to Isiolo. My business in Isiolo done…......it was a drive through to see what the town looks like in readiness for the promised development through LAPSSET...... I began my drive back to Nanyuki.

Those who may have used the route from Isiolo to Nanyuki will confirm that it is a sparsely populated region albeit with an excellent road that from Isiolo stretches 277 kilometers to Marsabit and a further 250 kilometers to the border town of Mandera and as I understand it is well tarmacked all the way to Marsabit. There is hardly any serious settlement along the 25 kilometers odd section from Isiolo to Subuiga to talk about. You probably see less than 20 vehicles in either direction also and it is clearly quite a lonely road.

A few kilometers past Isiolo and roughly halfway to Subuiga is a market - village more likely - called Maili Saba. It is as uninspiring as they come being just a collection of dusty shops and houses like you’ll find in a thousand similar markets across Kenya. Unless you are really keen you will miss the speed limit sign like I did and only see the cancelling one as you exit the market 50 meters later. The speed limit is 50 kilometers per hour within this market. Believe it or not the hunting pack, NTSA and the Kenya Police, had set up a speed trap within this village and the arresting point was 1 kilometer further down the road.

Unaware that I had broken the law, I was pulled over by a very young chap clearly a no nonsense NTSA officer and in my naiveté handed over my driver’s license sure that I was compliant in all aspects. My innocent question whether I had done anything wrong was met with a cold stare and I was asked what speed I had been doing to which I confidently said that I had not crossed the 100 km/hr speed limit that all drivers in Kenya are now familiar with, to which the response was that I had been doing 82 in a 50 kms/hr speed zone a hefty 32 kms/hr over the speed limit.

This was clearly a sting operation. The only vehicles which could not have been doing anything close to 50 kms/hr were the heavily laden pickups and trucks ferrying goats, cows and whatnot to whichever distant market they were headed to. This was a farce and the number of cars at least 10 coming from Isiolo pointed to the fact that we were all guilty of excess speed even as the few cars headed towards Isiolo zoomed past clearly not slowing down for any 50 km/hr speed limit sign as they approached Maili Saba. I was cornered and in a fix more so because they wanted a cash bail and then an appearance in court the next day in Meru 77 kilometers from Nanyuki where I live, work and play.

I pleaded my case to an understanding police officer who from his comments seemed to consider me a hardened criminal that was a threat to the lives of the 75 or so local residents of Maili Saba and their livestock by zooming past at 82 kms/hr oblivious to the dangers that I exposed them to in my haste to get back to work. The fact that the place was sparsely populated, had almost zero vehicular traffic and no bumps to help us criminals slowdown was lost on these officers who clearly saw a chance at beefing up the governments depleted coffers by arresting speeding motorists as part of their responsibilities to their employer!

After intense deliberations and a lecture from the officer that all villages, hamlets, markets and towns in the whole country were considered urban centers and hence subject to a 50 kms/hr speed limit whether or not the speed limit signs were in place, I was let off with a stern warning to proceed to Nanyuki which I did slowing down to within 50 kms/hr at every hamlet that I came upon even as the dare devils from Meru unaware of the harassment on the Isiolo-Subuiga route sped on their merry way.

This pack was having field day though and they must have raked in a tidy sum seeing that this is a transit route for vehicles either to Isiolo and beyond or from beyond Isiolo and it was also likely that many would be seriously inconvenienced like I would have been to attend a court case in Meru. The officer even regaled me with a story of a mzungu guy who was going all the way to Nakuru for an important assignment the next day and who had to be led back to Maili Saba to confirm that there existed a speed limit sign after which he apologized profusely for wasting their time!

Whether he paid a cash bail or was let off like me I will never know but I learnt several things after this encounter:

1. Everyone is aware of the 100 kms/hr maximum speed limit on our roads and motorists tend to stay within this limit.
2. No one sees or remembers the 50 kms/hr speed limit and the NTSA well aware of this seems to be targeting motorists in areas where this speed limit sign is posted.
3. It is not certain what constitutes an urban area. Is it a collection of two huts, 10 buildings, 15 houses? What?

Finally, even in the most remote of roads expect anything from the pack hunters who seem to be getting better and better at cornering their unwitting prey even as it dawns on me that this is a war that we can’t win as all the odds are stacked in their favor.

This is either the planning of an evil genius or a demented and sadistic organization whose sole purpose is to harass innocent motorists (hard core law breakers in their books) on lonely back roads even as they purport to enforce the law while on other busy roads speed limits are being broken with impunity and wanton abandon by mad cap miraa vehicles and private motorists alike.

Disconcerted as I was I laughed inwardly at the irony of the fact that these guys could be lurking wherever you might be try as you may to avoid them !!

NB - A friend has just informed me of a similar incident that happened on the way to Karatina from Nairobi of motorists being busted for breaking the 50 kms/hr speed limit. It looks like a change in tact so be observant and stay within the posted speed limits!

The pack hunters:

The hunters were out hunting early one fine morning. It was barely 7.00 am but they were already out and about on the lookout for easy prey. They were positioned strategically, ready to pounce should the victim make a move in the wrong direction. All around the well-travelled route they lay in wait knowing that it was just a matter of time before someone, something, anyone made a wrong move when the pincer movement perfected by the Germans in World War I using their Panzer tanks would encircle around making sure that there was no possible escape route and to devastating effect.

There were in all shapes and sizes the pack hunters some coming out in large numbers ready to share the spoils of a successful hunt. Then there were those that chose to hunt in pairs and trios, and then there were the lone rangers hunting alone and keeping all the spoils to themselves like the lions, hyenas, leopards and cheetahs of the wild that they were not.

These tricks had been perfected long time ago seemingly from the beginning of time itself. The positioning, the encircling, the anticipation clear on their furrowed brows and wrinkled foreheads some clearly not able to hunt effectively thanks to protuberant mid sections due to years of engorgement with scant or non-existent exercise.

This was like a well-oiled machine most able to work alone but sure that at the end of the day they would all share in the kill, each afforded a share equal to their importance within the hierarchical pecking order.

Lest you wonder why I am talking about the Masai Mara yet I haven’t been there in close to three years let me let on that this was the situation on the Thika super highway not so long ago as a proceeded towards Nanyuki. There were no less than 6 groups of traffic officers, brilliantly lit in the early morning light in their reflective luminous jackets, obnoxious beacons of corrupt practices broadcasting to the matatu drivers and lorry drivers that they were waiting for them. It seems that no matatu or lorry passes them by without being flagged down and the obvious shake down happening as they pretend to inspect new worn out tyres and expired current PSV and insurance certificates even as the rest of us ordinary motorists speed past as a sedate 100km/h.

As had clearly come out during the ongoing police vetting exercise these law enforcers gone rogue have been enriching themselves at the expense of maintaining law and order on our roads. Many of you have been victims of these extortionists masquerading as police officers even as they brazenly position themselves strategically sometimes clear entrapment on our poorly marked roads and highways.
They demand with menaces and act with wanton indiscipline always having the upper hand on the hapless motorists. The rules are clear that they are not supposed to enter your vehicle if you have committed a traffic offence but they will demand that they do so to more easier shake you down no doubt as the hijack your driver’s license and hold you to ransom in the process until you part with something.

The frustrating thing is that it is easier to pay a bribe then be dragged through the system to be charged with whatever offence you have committed something that they are very sure about and hence guide you quickly towards the bribe giving way. So there you are a law breaker yourself for giving a bribe as the lesser of the two evils and racked by guilt knowing that you have fuelled the dragon that is corruption.

Time to start vetting landlords?

Nanyuki is a dusty frontier town. It must be the volcanic dust generated by Mt. Kenya erupting millions of years ago that causes all this dust in this rain deprived side of the mountain.

As I approach Nanyuki the refrains of the opening song to the famous Western movie “The good, the bad and the ugly” reverberate in my mind as this fine dust coats everything in its path.

Recently the county government seemed to have a plan to reduce the dust levels but after the bulldozers were done the levels are now worse than ever.They just seemed to have spread the dust more equally to the whole town.

Like any frontier town it has to have its fair share of bad ass guys like in any good Western movie and I encountered one barely a month after I settled down in town and I had to move house rather abruptly as a result.

The place that I called home in Nanyuki turned out to be a tough place to reside in…..like any frontier town! For starters, water was an issue and I came to realise that the landlord for whatever reason had not seen it fit to install a storage tank to have a regular water supply so many mornings like in any town with an intermittent water supply I was forced to bathe from a basin on a slippery floor, definitely not the best way to start a morning. The last straw was when the house help that cleans and cooks for me told me that there was no water to cook a meal and I slept hungry that night!

Secondly, the young man who had been employed to look after the property and who would open the gate whatever time I arrived home upped and left one fine day supposedly (according to the landlord) because his father was threatening to sell the family land in Meru but I suspect more because of non-payment of his salary by his employer......as the young man told me later.

The difficult job of opening a locked gate, on a lonely stretch of road, in the dark of night, after a night out was taking its toll on me and I was getting more and more paranoid that I would be mugged outside my home one night.

But the raison d’etre for my leaving was something more serious, career limiting serious for that matter. It was serious enough to warrant me reporting the incident to my security colleagues at Head Office.

I had no inkling when I moved into that house that the owner of the property was a bad man.....like found in any frontier town anywhere in the world. After all I had dealt with the wife when I negotiated for the place and he only happened on the scene a week or so after I had moved in supposedly after a business trip to Nairobi.

He did not strike one as being a villain and he was friendly and well-spoken his half-finished houses notwithstanding. Seeing possible business for the bank I had struck up a conversation with him once asking him why his 6 houses were still incomplete despite substantial progress on the same – about 85% - and he had shrugged off the question and told me that he would complete them at his own pace.

Apparently this bad ass of a man had a history of crime and more specifically handling stolen goods as the person that crooks took their loot to for sale after committing their dastardly deeds. Depending on who you spoke to, the story goes that he had also been involved in fraud to the tune of hundreds of millions of shillings which as a visitor to Nanyuki I had no idea about but which was however common knowledge in the town.

A person who I can only describe as a good Samaritan and intent on looking out for my welfare is the one that visited me at work and hinted to me that I needed to look for another place to live after giving me a summary of the ills of my landlord but she added that I was free to get independent confirmation from anyone else whom I was close to. I was confused because usually it is the landlord that investigates the tenant and not the other way round.

Armed with this snippet I went looking for confirmation that I was being housed by a delinquent. The information was confirmed through a very reliable source and I immediately began house hunting for alternative accommodation which I was fortunate to get the same day……..on the 3rd floor of an apartment complex in Muthaiga, Nanyuki! It also came out that his trips out of town were court dates in Nairobi.

When I informed him that I intended to move out for the reasons of water scarcity and my own safety……there was no way I was going to tell him that I knew he was a thug lest he shoots me dead……the promises came thick and fast of how he would install a water tank for me and hire someone to open the gate for my safety but I told him that it was too late and I had already paid for the new digs.

I feel sorry for his young wife with her two young kids who has to live in constant fear of her husband being jailed (again) and she having to look after the kids herself. The compound was in a veritable state of permanent lockdown with the gate always padlocked, with signs of CCTV surveillance (though I never saw a camera) and razor wire atop the gate….and a posse of very noisy geese to warn of any intrusion into the compound.

My biggest fear was that my landlord would convince the house help in my absence that I had agreed to keep something for him which I would eventually be found with only to be accused of handling stolen goods and I had to do what I had to do for my own security.

Now I know that in future you need to vet your landlord lest you find yourself caught up in stuff you had no idea about!

I am on a self-imposed travel advisory:

There is no other way to describe the shooting dead of someone other than to say that the movies glamorize the act of dying through a gunshot. Usually the person who is shot in the movies goes down and is dead before his body hits the ground, or else is able to make a last minute dying confession as his life’s blood ebbs away. But this was no movie that was being shot - pun intended- this is the real deal and real people has been fatally shot before our eyes and shocked the whole world.

But let me start from the beginning by firstly stating that I am neither a bigot nor a racist. What I am about to state is from the bottom of the heart of a peace loving and non-confrontational individual who is also a peace maker at heart and who loves humanity.

Like many of you I have watched the viral footage of those African Americans that were shot by white police officers leading to their eventual deaths in Minnesota and Louisiana whose only crime it would seem was being black American and male and who seemingly posed no threat to the armed police officers involved in the shooting incidents. This has traumatized me immensely for reason that I shall reveal.

This appears to the untrained eye to be the use of unjustifiable and excessive force in a situation which could have been easily resolved without the use of firearms. There is also no gainsaying that the work of law enforcement officers anywhere in the world is dangerous at best and risky at worst and that a split second decision when caught up in a confrontation with someone who could be hiding a concealed weapon and be liable to use it at the slightest dropping of the guard by the police officer is all it takes between life and death. The question on everyone’s lips now is would the same threat level have been perceived should the suspect been a white male American or conversely would the same level of deadly force have been used towards a white male suspect?

The resultant and unjustified sniper attacks on police officers in Miami in what was dubbed as a peaceful anti police rally that has led to the deaths of several police officers has also taken the world by surprise and now threatens to rock to the core the bastion of freedom known the world over amid loud calls to action for stricter control of gun laws in the United States. That action was totally uncalled for despite the levels of provocation that the black community felt in regards to seemingly unprovoked attacks on their community over the years. Is this the start of a civil war of epic proportions?

However that is not the point of this post despicable as the action by all those involved is, my point is to register the reason for my trauma ever since I watched one of the videos. This is the one of the man being subdued by two burly police officers one of who then draws his firearm and then appears to shoot the man at close range in the chest area then rolling off as the man now in his death throes makes feeble attempts to do something, anything as his life slowly ebbs away and all in the full glare of the public who were recording the whole incident. My trauma is probably being replicated manifold across the African continent where many have relatives and friends who are based in the United States.

It is one thing to hear of police officers fatally shooting a suspect but it is quite another to see this replayed in real life and it frightens and traumatizes those who are by nature squeamish and repelled by the sight of blood as I am. Those young men had families just like me, they had dreams and aspirations to see their children grow up into productive members of the communities and their society, they had dreams of being responsible fathers and parents and making a difference in the lives of their families but this was not to be as they have been felled by a policeman’s bullet at the prime of their lives.

I now wonder if I’d be safe as a visitor in the United States and if my African American and Kenyan brothers in law are safe in that country that they call home or if they might also suffer the same fate as has befallen their community member’s victims of tragic shooting incidents through no fault of their own other than supposedly being black.

I also wonder if my nephew who has recently joined college in that country is safe as he makes his way to and from school and his job with his car that may have him pulled over for having a busted tail light. What of my old high school friends who chose to make a livelihood in the United States many years ago and whom we regularly communicate with on social media and meet up with when they are visiting Kenya? Are they safe presently and will their safety continue to be assured?

I can only hope that reason prevails and that these incidences do not provoke an overzealous reaction by the police force intent on stamping their power and authority over a community that has seemingly had enough of their excesses over the years. If 9/11 is anything to go by it is likely that the authorities will want to tame what they fear may be a hot topic for years to come with some sweeping Senate legislation to back up any actions that they might take.

As things stand we had a planned visit to the USA next year with my wife which she is free to go for but which I shall have to put on hold for my own safety until someone, somewhere can guarantee me that I shall be safe in that country because a black man seems to be a walking and legitimate target for overzealous and mostly white police officers.

Accordingly and even as I mourn the senseless shooting deaths of the latest victims of police excesses in the United States I have put a self-imposed travel advisory on myself until further notice to the United States.

For now let me wallow in the difficulties of my own country anonymous amongst millions of other Kenyan males and unlikely to be stopped by police officers for the crime of being a man of African extraction. As for my male family and friends in the United States you need to remain safe as you move and travel around making sure that you do not fall foul of the law for the sake of the sanity of all of us back here not only in Kenya but across the African continent.

Even if I did not know any of the victims over the years I mourn with their families for the senselessness of it all and may God rest their souls in eternal peace!!

Was I a victim of a conman?

An old guy walks into the newest bank in town, he wants to open an account and it’s only the Manager that can assist him. So I see him.

He is one of these talkative types that can spend a whole morning shooting the breeze and says he is a big shot owning properties in various towns and cities across Kenya though his weathered looks, nondescript dressing and bad teeth don’t indicate it. I have dealt with enough old men over the years who have made heaps of money through their various business ventures at the expense of crooked or non-existent teeth. If you have so much money the least you should do is fix your teeth for crying out loud! He wants to open an account for a group of which he is the Treasurer.

He walks with a limp and has a fascinating story…………..why do guys with bad teeth have so much to say…………….. and why to me? He walks with a limp because he was involved in a serious accident on Mombasa Road a few year back as he rushed to his hotel somewhere in Machakos County where a deal worth millions was stewing awaiting his signature. This is where it gets interesting because the accident was a head on collision with a trailer and he was doing 190 km/hr!

I am no expert at these things but surviving a head on collision at 190 km/hr with a possible closing speed of over 220 km/hr between the two vehicles.....a trailer being one of them is fatal from whatever angle you call this one but I am just narrating what he told me. He gets comfortable; after all he has a rapt bank manager that wants his account and continues with his story...and by the way I didn’t bother to ask him what type of car he was driving.

He explains how after the accident his legs were badly damaged on impact but he somehow survived but was confined to a wheelchair. The experts and hospitals he visits in Kenya are not mincing their words and tell him that they need to amputate and he shall never walk again. One of the hospitals however offers him a second opinion of referring him to an Indian Hospital so long as he pays the full fee in Kenya of Kshs. 3.6 Million. By now he claims to have spent in excess of Kshs. 3 Million without any positive developments including specialists, operations and weeks in hospital recuperating from his injuries.

Long story short he finally chooses to go to India after talks with a friend and after sending his X-rays to one of the leading hospitals there for a second opinion and the Indian doctors tell him that they don’t need to amputate. They can instead do hip replacement surgery and after 4 weeks he should be able to walk again all this at a total cost of Kshs. 860K. I wish they had also told him that they could fix his teeth too for 10K. After a few months of recuperation back home in Kenya he is able to walk with the aid of a cane and now no longer requires it but the limp is permanent.

Then he gets into the reason why they need to open an account. It’s a safety net for him and 29 of his elderly friends many of whom don’t have the resources to manage a huge medical bill. They shall be contributing Kshs. 500.00 per person per day a cool Kshs. 15K for the group and need an account where they can bank this money and why not the newest bank in town. In fact, he goes on, they recently held a successful fund raiser for one of their group members who required Kshs.1.9 Million to offset medical bills after an illness and he is rushing to Nairobi for another fundraiser to try and raise the difference and, without batting an eyelid, asks me to chip in something!

That was 7 days ago, and they guy hasn’t shown up. I am not sure if he was a con man or not. I had thrown in some names of some people I know in Machakos and he had given me an elaborate history of one of them so maybe he does have a hotel in that county and he does know the people that I mentioned. My Kshs. 500.00 contribution to his harambee may have been in vain and may have gone towards buying a drink for his friends…..while laughing at the gullible bank manager, but I’d recognize him from his bad teeth any day and if he is a resident of Nanyuki our paths shall surely cross.

And that folks was my baptism as we opened for business in Nanyuki and I am now Kshs.500.00 (if truth be told it was a whooping Kshs. 1,000.00) poorer!

I am now resident in Nanyuki:

I’ve finally moved to Nanyuki. It was a journey that began almost 4 years ago with a sojourn through Nyeri for two and a half years.

It is a very cosmopolitan town much like Nairobi. The town has restaurants and hotels galore to cater for any ‘kabila’ under the sun. There are the places catering to the mzungu crowd at 350 bob a beer and those catering to the wazee at 160 bob a beer…..just like Nairobi. They have Indian and Chinese restaurants selling almost authentic cuisine…..just like Nairobi. All the mzungu joints sell pizza…….just like Nairobi. This is a town with a heartbeat, a pulse and always on the move despite the dust, clouds and clouds of the stuff.

In retrospect the Nyeri County government got it right with tarmacking the footpaths in Nyeri town because that is one dust free town when compared to Nanyuki……..even if, as it was widely rumored, someone made a killing in the process.

So back to Nanyuki. It took me some time to get a house that I felt mirrored my stature in society. After all a bank manager has to live in a half decent house in the better part of any town and by Nanyuki standards I think I nailed it. The house however is nowhere near the class of my abode in Nyeri which is a revelation given that this town is home to BATUK, the Laikipia Air Base and more high class tourist lodges and game ranches than anywhere else in Kenya and I had assumed would have better quality of residential facilities. At one place that I visited while house hunting, I was told that the entire structure 12 to 15 apartment units had been booked and paid for by the British Army and the developers were now redesigning the place to suit the needs of the soldiers soon moving in!

Put it this way, those who can afford a ton of cash for a house are well catered for as are those who just need a humble abode for amounts upto 12K in rent so long as you are not very particular with the surroundings. The rest of us in the middle are another thing altogether, we don’t have a very big pool to search from though that seems to be changing with a lot of residential construction that appears to cater for this missing middle about to be delivered to the market in the next few months.

The other day I met up with a potential client. After we had had our discussion it inevitably went around to the night life in the town and he wondered why he hadn’t seen me in the joints preferred by my age mates. He then went on to give me a list of the places that he thought I should frequent and mix with people of my ‘riika’, with an even longer list of places where I would be bombarded with loud music and youngsters and therefore should keep off!

Like the proverbial naughty boy who does the opposite of what he is told not to do I prefer to be a non-conformist and so last Saturday I visited the joint that was top on the list of places NOT to visit…….and I must say that I had a great time thanks to the funky music playing with a young hip hop crowd in a very well appointed setting. Granted I left fairly early by 10.00 am before the real noise started. It’s a place I’ll definitely want to visit again. On Sunday I visited the other place I was told not to frequent and I was also pleasantly surprised as it is somewhere I shall most definitely visit in future.

So I have my two bedroom house in a fairly upmarket location. Access is through a locked gate where the landlady also lives guarded by a posse of a duck and drake fearlessly unleashing a cacophony of sounds guaranteed to scare away even the most deviant of thugs should they decide to intrude on our little paradise. I have wonderful view of Mount Kenya most mornings as I make my way to work and I am still searching for that elusive barber shop who shall cater to my every whim.

Within the same compound albeit separate from the unit that I live in is an upcoming complex of 6 two bedroom apartment units marked with the ominous red “X” of the National Construction Authority supposedly for the developers not adhering to the authorities requirement of having a construction signage on site giving all the required details. Whether this is the truth or a cock and bull story, I’ll know soon enough when I get home and the complex has been demolished!!

And before I forget the bank has opened for business in Nanyuki. I’ll miss my work colleagues in Nyeri who threw a surprise breakfast bash in Nyeri last week where they gave me some parting gifts spiced with some equally kind words for being the absolute best boss that they have ever worked with……..or so they told me!

I’ll also miss my Rotary Club of Nyeri group that has been all the family that I needed when I was in Nyeri……..May you all live long and happy lives while keeping the Rotary fire burning.

I survived a dance with disaster:

Several years ago a local MP’s car somewhere in Yatta in current day Machakos County was swept away by a raging river as he attempted to make his way home one stormy and tempestuous night. All the occupants of the vehicle perished in that unfortunate incident with the mangled wreckage of the car being discovered several kilometers downstream the next morning.

Recently a similar calamity almost befell me and my wife one stormy night as we struggled to get home in Nairobi. Apparently due to a three hour continual and heavy downpour and with the storm water drainage unable to cope with the barrage of rain water and the culverts blocking due to the debris floated by the rains had caused the drainage to burst its banks and the resultant flooding covered the entire road. This has happened many times in the past with the water on the same road barely being 4 inches or so at the worst time that I remember.

Today however it was worse, far worse than I would have imagined. Having committed to crossing that flood that had inundated the road I ventured on into the darkness sure that it could not be more than 6 inches deep and therefore an easy crossing for a 4 wheel drive Subaru Forester vehicle!

I soon realized that the water was getting deeper and deeper with every forward motion of the vehicle. Soon it was almost covering the headlights of the vehicle at least a foot of flood water a bow wave preceding our forward momentum and the lights flickering with what I was sure was an electrical fault though it turned out to be the water lapping at the bottom of the headlights effectively blocking some of its glow. Almost in a panic I thought of all the social media articles on how to react in such a situation and the options available to me which were:

1. Stop and reverse and look for an alternative route home a sure way to stall the engine.
2. Charge the engine and gain speed to exit as quickly as possible another sure way to stall the engine due to the large bow wave and water getting into the engine compartment rapidly or
3. Continue at the same pace and hopefully cross that section of the road without stalling the engine but with a constant prayer on your lips looking to the almighty for his mercies.

I chose the final option and soon we were safely but barely out of the flooded section and home nervously laughing about our narrow escape and possible disastrous consequences.

I learnt several things that day that thankfully the water was partially stagnant and not rapidly flowing ensuring that the current did not float the vehicle and force it to veer off course and into the ditch. The other fear was that the flood waters may have cut of a part of the road which we could not see in the flood and darkness and hence we would be stuck on the road should this be the case.

Would I ever assume for a moment in future about the depth of a flooded section of the road in pitch darkness? I am not sure for now because ones instinct to get home is often so strong that you conveniently ignore any signs that there may be trouble lurking on the way more so when you are so close to your goal as we were that rainy night.

Even more intriguing was the fact that the door seals of the vehicle held firmly and no water seeped into the passenger compartment of the vehicle and importantly there appeared to be no engine damage either given that the engine turned over easily the next morning. That's kudos to Subaru's sturdy and well built vehicles.

By the time I was passing through the same section the next morning, the waters still had not receded and looking at the lake of water it was sobering that we had made it home in one piece and with the vehicles engine intact. I had dodged that bullet and there was there was no way I was going to subject myself to the same stress as the previous night so I used a different route to get to my destination.

With the ongoing rains and the possibility of running into a flooded section of the road here is a link to guide you on what to do in such an emergency.

http://smartdriving.co.uk/Driving/Driving_emergencies/Floods.htm

Be safe and vigilant.

The angry voices:

The angry voices startled me out of my reverie as I read my newspaper. It was the two ‘mzungu’ ladies that I had passed by, sticking out like sore thumbs in the gloom of the restaurant if for nothing else the bottles of Smirnoff Black Ice in front of them. They could have been students, tourists or missionaries in town for whatever reason but Smirnoff Black Ice at 1.30 pm just didn’t look right.

The reason for my piqued interest was simple. They were arguing with a waiter that it had taken two hours since ordering their lunch and there was still no sign of it. The waiter was imploring them to stay a few minutes longer and that the pizza oven was broken hence the reason for the delay. Their logical argument which I assume holds water in whatever country they come from was that if they were to wait any longer they were not going to pay full price for a meal that had taken two hours! They went on to argue that had someone taken the trouble to inform them beforehand that the pizza oven was broken they would have weighed their options and made an informed decision.

Now my interest was really piqued. They had mentioned pizza and I had ordered mine 20 minutes earlier and by my calculation it should have been ready by now. The waiter having seemingly exhausted his English vocabulary silently slunk away from the scene to be replaced a few minutes later by a chef in all his glory – top hat, rolled up sleeves and a towel tucked into his waist and all - who began a conversation with the ladies intent on convincing them to stay for lunch.

By now I was worried. How long would my pizza take I wondered silently and miserably. Was I going to be treated to one of those lousy services offered in many established restaurants in Nyeri town yet again? This after all was not just any restaurant but one of the better ones in town but with an unfortunate reputation for having very poor waiter service whether you are alone or in a group. It was also buy one get on free day on pizza but the crush of people you would expect on such an auspicious occasion was lacking thanks mightily and no doubt to the deplorable service levels at this hotel.

One thing I never understand is how a hotel can invest so much money in the CAPEX required to construct a hotel then fail spectacularly to offer services to the patrons of the hotel who meet the costs of managing and running the establishment. What loss of value to shareholders does such shoddy service do and importantly what does it say about the owners and managers of such a hotel?

How much does it cost to simply tell a customer that you expect some delay due to circumstances beyond your control and if they’d mind waiting? As a customer I believe that I am a rational and sane guy who just wants to be served professionally and with some decorum and basic decency. While I am not the yard stick by which tolerance can be measured as I tend to get quite antsy when forced to wait for a decent meal, it costs the establishment nothing by informing the client about any possible delays.

This reminds me of an episode a few years back where one of the leading Pizza eateries in Nairobi promised a free pizza if the delivery time from ordering your food to it being placed on the table took longer than 15 minutes. There was definitely something wrong on this particular day because my order took almost 20 minutes to be delivered. When I demanded a refund of my money based on the service promises, excuses became the order of the day that their pizza oven had broken down and hence the reason for the delay in service. I looked at the fine print in their info graphic and nowhere did it say “unless the pizza oven is broken” or any such disclaimer to deny me my rights. They even went to the extent of telling me that one of them would have to meet the cost of the pizza if I chose not to pay whereupon I retorted that it was not me choosing whether to pay or not but I was simply holding them to account for the delivery promise that THEY had made. I eventually got a refund but after all kinds of smiley faces came to my table to implore me to do the right thing and just pay for my pizza!

This time around there was no word on the delivery time for my pizza but it took almost 45 minutes to deliver to me by which time I had even stood up and was demanding to pay for the soft drink that I had consumed and forgetting about the food which had been preceded by my waiter approaching me to change my pizza order to one that was already ready – that the ‘mzungus’ had abandoned no doubt – which I flatly refused to accept. Mine had to be meaty and hot and the ‘mzungus’ pizza did not have any such meaty ingredients!!

My final plea to hoteliers is that a hungry man is an angry man particularly around lunch time so don’t keep them waiting longer than necessary!!

Do you love your nuts?

This post is intended for men only. It is a diatribe on manly, masculine stuff which is likely to raise the freckles on the pretty faces of sensitive ladies so ladies stop reading now or forever hold your peace!

"April is testicular cancer month" said the solemn sounding voice on the radio. "Finally something positive on radio other than politics" I thought to myself right before "Who comes up with these theme months anyway?"

The voice went on to appeal to men to self-check themselves for signs of testicular cancer while showering or just relaxing. "Just relaxing" I thought to myself, "Why has this voice decided to tell the whole world what we men do while just relaxing"?

Good grief is nothing ever sacrosanct in life anymore! What men chose to do or not to do in their spare relaxed time should be sacred to men. Now the secret is out for the women and children now know what we do when relaxed, we feel our nuts!!

I finally saw the info graphics about how to check for this killer condition in men going around on social media and everything swiftly fell into place! http://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=OIP.M6f40b9e097e6920bd723ebb425dbd5e0o0&w=300&h=135&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0&r=0 (it's not this link though as I couldn't find it!!)

I am sure the thought has crossed the minds of many women why that peculiar habit arose from. It's from a feeling of relaxation and contentment something many men can clearly relate to but not our women folk who wonder why the urge to reach down there also known as the family jewels department came from.

We do not feel ourselves down there in the family jewels department just for the heck of it, and certainly not when stressed simply because there is no satisfaction with doing this when the body is in fight or flight mode. Unlike footballers who have to protect their nether regions when confronted with a whizzing goal bound ball which is a stressful situation as you can discern with their halfhearted attempts to ward of a nuts bound ball, the rest of us men thankfully don’t suffer from that occupational hazard.

The importance of this area can only be explained by the story of the suicide bomber out to blow himself up recently who was arrested before he could accomplish his dastardly mission only to be discovered to have been wearing a piece of metal around his private parts supposedly to protect himself from the effects of the explosion so as to enjoy his time with the virgins waiting for him in the hereafter!!

And now we men now have an even better excuse when called to account for our 'dirty' action of reaching unconsciously down there when in relaxation mode that you're checking for signs of testicular cancer! Thanks to the voice on the radio you have all the reason to continue what you have been doing through the ages with the added reason that you do it for love not wishing to consign your wife to widowhood when you all along had the tools to check for early signs of testicular cancer right in your hands…..literally!!

Have a meaningful and cancer free month my fellow men and feel on as you continue loving your nuts!

And for those ladies that yet again refused to heed to my warnings………..and I see you there in the corner chortling away, now you know but never ask your men what they are doing idling in the family jewels department!!

I didn’t know what a drip tray was:

I get home early one Monday morning after a weekend in Nairobi with my family. There is this awful smell coming from somewhere in the house. It’s not over powering but it smells like something small has died and is putrefying. Or perhaps the house help who comes on Saturday to wash my clothes and clean the house in my absence may have switched off the fridge and now the meat has gone bad, I think to myself.

So I drop my stuff…..stuff here meaning my dirty laundry and the special lactose free milk that I can’t get in Nyeri and which my wife bought for me to bring to Nyeri. I am lactose intolerant and can’t digest regular milk so it’s the Kshs. 130.00 per half liter bottle for me of Bio, but I digress!!

I look in the fridge, and sniff about like one of those wolves I see on National Geographic channel as it sniffs the air for goodies, but nothing. That smell isn’t coming from inside the fridge which thankfully is switched on and my meat is nowhere near rancid. It can’t be my dirty laundry either as it was in the car with me or I would have noticed. For good measure I take an extra strong whiff of it confirming that it’s just the regular dirty laundry and correct manly smells!!

I look through the rest of the kitchen and house and other than what appears to be some liquid in a container bolted to the back of the fridge I can’t seem to find anything out of the ordinary. So I open the windows, spray some air freshener and after a shower off I go to perform my nation building duties!

Fast forward to evening! I have just come from the kinyozi and I am feeling well coiffed, itchy beard gone and hair looking smooth and lustrous…………..and jet black!! I feel and look 10 years younger. That smell is still there, pervasive and funky as ever and the house help is also at home. She has washed the dirty clothes and is cleaning the house and cooking my Monday evening dinner the leftovers of which I’ll have for Tuesday afternoon lunch or dinner depending on my mood.

She has also noticed the smell but can’t quite figure it out. She thinks it’s the container of liquid that I noticed in the morning but we can be sure because it’s hidden out of sight and you can’t even drain it properly. We conclude that the pallet that the fridge came on could have been stained by some liquids following a defrosting exercise a week ago and it probably just needs airing for the smell to clear. So we lift up the fridge, remove the pallet and she takes it outside the house to clear up the smell.

But this smell just won’t go away and I can’t think of what I’d say to any visitor that may come calling, though it’s unusual for me to get visitors anyway but who knows, someone could just visit me after the smell no longer bothers me and leave with a very poor impression about my personal hygiene habits!

So down on all fours I go to peer closely at this liquid thingy and using the corner of one of the kitchen towels try and drain the liquid. It is now crystal clear that this is the cause of the stench because the minute that towel soaks up that liquid the smell overwhelms. That this is the source of my problems is now clear!!

A closer look reveals that the container which I later find out is called a drip tray has been screwed onto the fridge with two small nuts which I promptly unscrew, gingerly lift the tray and empty the stinking brown contents into the toilet……….together with one of the screws that makes an audible splash as it disappears from view into the murky waters!!

But I can’t return the tray with only one screw and I don’t know where I can get a screw at this time of the night so like any clever chap and against my better judgement I have no choice but to reach in and pick up that screw which thankfully is still at the bottom of the toilet bowl after which I quickly flush away the remaining muck ensuring that it becomes someone else’s problem.

I then rinse of the drip tray, dry it off and then reattach it to its correct position and after a through wash of my hands with anti-bacterial soap and some apple cider vinegar thrown in just to be sure, I have solved my problem and there is no longer a malodorous odor in the house.

So next time you get a stench in your house whose source you can’t trace you have learnt from the expert that the drip tray on your fridge could be your source of woe and that’s how I found out what a drip tray was!!

My pretty neighbor:

She smiled at me this morning and waved at me shyly through the window and it made my morning and I can't stop thinking about her the whole day!! But let me start from the beginning because like many stories already written and yet others still unwritten, this is a love at first sight tale.

I live in an apartment complex of 12 units on three floors. One of my neighbors is a real looker, a cutie pie as one of my brothers would describe her, and though I don’t see her many times, the few times that I do my heart skips a beat. As she passes close to me on those few occasions that our paths crisscross I can’t help but look admiringly and longingly at her. She is shy and bashful and there is always a hint of a smile playing on her pretty face.

She reminds me very much of others who have been in my life in the not too distant past in her innocence and pureness, unsullied as yet by the difficulties of life and seemingly ignorant of the rat race scurrying around her. Wherever I see her, strains of Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t she lovely” belt out stereophonically and loudly through my head as I wonder where she has been all my life. I shouldn’t be having these thoughts because I am old enough to be her father, her grandfather perhaps god dammit! But I can’t help myself.

The other day she talked to me! This pretty face actually shyly looked me over and asked me a question and my knees buckled. Why me, me of all the neighbors in all the complexes in Nyeri, why did she choose me to have a brief conversation with or was it my lucky day or was this perhaps just a cunning plan to entrap me?

She was almost surreptitious in her approach to a conversation, unsure of whether I’d respond to her request. But it had happened because she needed my help; she needed my help to assist in a rather difficult and delicate task for her to retrieve something that had been dropped over a fence. The God's of fate had smiled down on me and put me in this envious situation .

You see she is not cut out for climbing over fences and gates and so on but I would do it in a heartbeat, in a jiffy even……and I did soaring over that fence almost as it wasn’t there. Carl Lewis that champion hurdler of yesteryear would have been proud of me. And after all, ladies should never ruin their trousers on account of such things when a gentleman is around!!

She had dropped something, a ball actually, and she needed it to be picked up and for her to go back home. I guess it is possible to accidentally drop something and then be unable to retrieve it hence asking a kindly passerby to do the gentlemanly thing and I happened to be that gentleman who was at the right place and at the right time………or maybe she was baiting me looking out for me to exit my house and then dropping something at that opportune time so that she could strike up a conversation with me, I will never know!

Suffice is to say that I was happy to have been of assistance and if I had been a puppy I would have been wagging my tail furiously a million times a minute secure in the knowledge that I had been of assistance however brief and fleeting it had been to this angel.

So who is this amazing human being, a little girl who can’t be more than 2 years old that lives in my complex but who has an amazing command of English in a grown up sort of way. I don't believe that I was as confident back in teh day as the three and four year olds I see nowadays loaded down with books (as I would imagine) in their back packs confidently believing all that their teachers tell them.

This little girl reminds me of my own daughters all those years ago just starting off in their journey through life innocent and pure in their thoughts and actions. One of them was so precocious and adventurous when young that she almost got lost at Heathrow Airport as we waited for our connecting flight as we proceeded on a family vacation, her older sister being less adventurous firmly seated next to me despite my entreaties to look our for her little sister. That's why I feel weak in the knees when I see these young ones and marvel at what comes out of the mouth of these babes and boys.

Enjoy your kids while they are young because soon they will fly the coop and become independent and free then you'll wonder where time went!!

Short insight - What is the fuss all about?

The hullabaloo about the NYS scandal is too noisy and unnecessary. You see, I came to the conclusion many years ago that the human being is the only animal capable of infinite harm to its own kind and these things don’t shock me anymore. Those mentioned in this unfolding scandal are doing nothing more than confirming what I have known all along.

That people can choose to enrich themselves by over invoicing on essential drugs that would benefit scores of children, or being paid for delivery of non-existent goods and services is not news anymore because this is what has been happening in Kenya for many years with barely a yawn from the gate keepers who are paid to see that these things don't happen as those entrusted with public funds continue to pillage and line their pockets at will.

The Kabura affidavit that has exposed the corruption that goes on in high places in Kenya is to me just a tip of the iceberg and the stuff that is under water (given the iceberg analogy) and the corrupt schemes that have been perpetrated by various senior government officials over the years would put this small Waiguru scheme where only Kshs. 791 Million (or Kshs. 1.6 Billion depending on who you are talking to) to shame.

I wonder whether other similarly walking wounded having been used and then dumped in the dustbin of obscurity will now come out to pen their own affidavits exposing corruption in high places. I wonder how many more of those involved in past corruption practices are now seeking divine intervention so that their filthy issues are not exposed. I wonder whether there is any blackmail going on even as I pen this post from those threatening to expose their puppet masters and finally I wonder if there shall be any mysterious deaths on some whistle blowers who know too much and must therefore be consigned to their makers before they spill the beans!!

The “Cow Syndrome”

A Chinese story is told of a wise man that after many weeks of travel hungry, thirsty and running out of supplies came across a very poor farmer and his wife and son who offered him and his assistant some food to eat, water to drink and a place to spend the night. The farmer and his family were very poor and their clothes were well worn and had seen better days while the house was of the poorest quality, with a leaky roof, was poorly constructed and clearly the farmer despite having a large tract of land was struggling financially his only source of income the money that he and his family got from selling milk to their neighbors from their one solitary cow.

The next day as the wise man set off on his journey he turned to his assistant and told him to lead the cow out of the farm and push it off a nearby cliff to its certain death. Questioning the wisdom of his master for instructing him to lead the only income generating asset that the poor farmer had to its death after his generosity in sharing the little that he and his family had he nonetheless went ahead and did his masters bidding and off they went on their merry way the assistant with a heavy heart for surely they had condemned the farmer and his family to a pitiful life.

Many years later the wise man and his faithful assistant happened to pass by the same area and instead of a poor shack they found a beautiful and magnificent house, well-tended fields with a variety of food crops and a well-stocked granary and gleaming farm machines in the barn and the garage all looked after by a retinue of workers and servants. The farmer and his family were clothed in shiny clothes and looked prosperous and well fed. The wise man introduced himself to the farmer and asked him the source of his wealth whereupon he told him of a wise man whom he had accommodated in his home many years ago but that had repaid him by pushing his cow off a cliff to its death and how that had been his only income generating asset for him and his family.

He went on to explain that after the loss of his cow he struggled financially as he had no other source of income and decided to start farming on his piece of land to at least feed himself and his family. In the process he realized that they would grow more than they could consume and so they began diversfying the food that they grew selling some of their produce to their neighbors and soon they were suppliers to hotels and other businesses in the area. The act of that wise man in pushing the cow of the cliff had grown his wealth into what it was today he explained and if that cow were still alive he would still have been selling the milk and his life would not have improved at all!! The” cow syndrome” was consigning the farmer to a life of penury while he thought that it was his source of livelihood.

Today I came across such a person that has shed off the “cow syndrome”. It was a lady, let’s call her Joyce, whom we had extended a loan facility to increase her residential units so as to supplement with rent her income from her job at a nearby school as well as her poultry business. However as is wont to happen and despite the best of intentions, Joyce’s tenants moved out en-mass for whatever reason, her chickens were afflicted by a mysterious disease and died and suddenly she was unable to meet the loan instalments she had committed to pay monthly. In the process her telephone was stolen and unable to get a replacement she remained unreachable.

The situation rapidly went downhill and unable to contact Joyce as her loans were now in arrears we went in search of her at her home where by my colleagues were directed to her place of work at the nearby school where they were able to talk to her and understand her predicament and agree on a course of action in regards to the repayment of her facilities.

It would appear that there was a storm already brewing in regards to Joyce’s future at her place of employment because as she mentioned to me she was thereafter sacked by the school management with no notice for the grievous crime of being visited by CID officers (my colleagues) and was not accorded the right to tell her side of the story and be heard as is required under HR practices and the law!

The unfairness or otherwise of her sacking or indeed the flimsy reason for her joblessness is not the topic I am discussing here because if she so wishes she may pursue her tormentors through the acceptable legal processes to get redress. As she mentions to me this was the turning point in her life because Joyce has crossed the Rubicon, her cow had been pushed off a cliff and she is now a much happier and contented person then when she was in employment and my offer to help her with a letter to the school administration so as to get her job back explaining that my colleagues were not CID officers has been firmly but politely rejected.

Her employer had shackled her to her desk for 16 years and she had very little time (as anyone in formal employment shall attest) to engage in other activities to improve her livelihood and now that she is free she has found a new lease of life, looks more contented and happy and has even been able to engage in some focused income generating activities that has allowed her to catch up on her loan repayments and looks forward to a more prosperous life in future. Life now looks rosy!!

My colleagues drove her cow off a cliff and she is now thankful for the opportunity this has given her in revealing a hitherto hidden new lease of life!! So push your cow off the cliff and see what will emerge if you are fed up with your current cow…….you’ll never know unless you try!!

How my year has kicked off:

Today is Day 62. It has been 62 days since I had a drink after I took a decision that I needed a detox period from booze. Over the years I have talked about it but this time I decided to just do it, cold turkey, without any fanfare and without consulting anyone or making those pacts that I see other making that if caught drinking anything alcoholic it’s a 10K fine!

It’s difficult to give all the gory details so let’s just say that I was an occasional drinker and mainly on weekends so it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be though for the first three weeks I craved the taste of beer – my favorite tipple – until I discovered a beer with 0% alcohol called Bavaria that became my favorite drink. It has all the effects of any other beer except that you don’t get the buzz. You pee just as you would and it tastes pretty much the same as any other beer but has no other effect and it was kind of strange, but I persisted and today I don’t even feel like I need the taste of beer.

What I also discovered was non-alcoholic wine though why they call it wine is beyond me as it is just sparkling juice and too sweet at that. I also discovered that many pubs do not cater for the non-alcoholic drinker save for a soft drink, juice, water and tea so many times I would find myself having a soft drink or a juice if I found myself at a pub. Even the humble mocktail (a cocktail minus the alcohol) in some pubs and bars are unavailable and it seems that the non-alcoholic imbiber is neither recognized nor welcome at many joints. It made me feel like my vegetarian friends who are terribly shortchanged in many restaurants in Kenya by the absence of a variety of vegetarian fare!

While the choice to begin my fast was accidental it could not have come at a better time when the temptation is highest and invitations to all kinds of functions where drinks flow in abundance is at an all-time high during the Christmas and New Year festivities! When Lucifer is tempting you and your conscience refuses to falter to his entreaties then you know that you can soldier on and even my colleagues during the end of year party and the family reunion on Christmas Day couldn’t believe that I was not imbibing!

There are obvious and myriad advantages to not drinking that I have come to appreciate. I recall things much more easily now thanks to a clearer head unclouded by the fog of that fifth beer. I had a great difficulty remembering names and faces but this has improved over the last two months. My appetite has never been better than it has been over the past 60 odd days and I don’t miss a single meal. My sleep pattern is also great and I either sleep dreamlessly or have sweet dreams of positive things in life unlike the nightmares of old where I’d wake up in a cold sweat. My spouse however now complains that I sleep too early so I guess you can't please everyone!!

That is how I started the year 2016 that is already three weeks old and my initial timeline was to take a three month sabbatical from alcohol and reassess the situation thereafter so I still have another 31 days or so to go. I am not sure what I’ll do when my sabbatical is over and I shall take that decision when necessary to do so.

For now I am a teetotaler and loving it. I can’t quite seem to understand how people stay up until late at night imbibing on their favorite tipple and generally seeming to have a good time. You can only drink so many soft drinks, Bavarias or juices after all so I don’t have the urge to stay up later than I should making small talk as I struggle to stay awake!

So for the time being if you offer me a drink, don’t be shocked if my choice is not what you expect as there is a time and a place for everything. And for those of my friends, who have embraced this detox from alcohol thingy, hang in there and don’t listen to the naysayers who will tempt you with an alcoholic drink of your choice no matter the cost. If I can do it so can you!

And before I forget Happy New Year to all of you!!

Short insight - Where not to eat in Nyeri when hungry:

I had half an hour to spare as my vehicle was being serviced at a garage in a local petrol station, so I popped into a nearby hotel as I browsed my newspaper for some lunch. This hotel is one of the oldest in Nyeri and has an excellent location in a commercial/business area so the expectation is that it should always have a sizeable crowd in the restaurant. But today I was alone and this should have alerted me that something was amiss.

So I take my seat and ask for the special of the day that was advertised on the board at the entrance to the hotel. It’s my favorite pork and chips and I figure that being the special of the day it should take very little time to prepare and I should be in and out in 20 minutes tops. As I wait I ask for a soft drink which I sip on in anticipation of a sumptuous meal soon.

After 10 minutes, a threesome arrives for lunch and takes their seats at a table and now we are four patrons. “Poor guys” I think to myself “do they know how long it will take to get served in this place?” It has now been 20 minutes after all and there is no sign of my meal and I am alone so surely for three people it shall take double or even triple the amount of time it shall take to get my meal to the table.

I continue reading my newspaper, the hunger pangs biting and I looking anxiously at my watch wondering what’s taking so long but secure in the knowledge that I shall be out of there before the threesome has even started on their meal. Finally I see the waitress who is serving me appear with a jug and a bowl to wash my hands – a uniquely Kenyan tradition even if the meal requires no use of the hands - and the hunger pangs now nip even more brutally. It has now been 30 minutes since I showed up!

I don’t believe what I am seeing though as she goes straight to the table of three not even acknowledging my presence and proceeds to wash their hands. “Perhaps” I think to myself “I am next!” but alas done with the threesome she troops off to wherever they go when hiding from customers and returns with the utensils to help the Johnnie-come-lately’s enjoy their meal. A few minutes later she comes out laden with three plates of food and proceeds to serve the threesome. It is now 40 minutes since I took my seat.

Now all pretensions of being a gentleman are gone and I hiss at her (why do we do that?) to come to my table and I can see that she is quite uncomfortable because she knows that I am hungry and possibly upset because of the length of time it has taken not to serve me and in addition a threesome who came after me has been served before me.

I tell her that I can’t wait any longer for my meal as I am busy and I need to pay for my soft drink expecting her to apologize and try to hurry up the order, but she is either clueless on to how to handle an angry customer or more likely has no training in managing the situation that she finds herself in at present. I promptly pay for my soft drink, walk to the garage, collect my vehicle and go to the office where I sit licking my wounds the hunger pangs still gnawing away but too upset to think of eating even as I write about this nasty experience.

That folks is my experience at the recently refurbished Central Hotel in Nyeri. The hotel has been recently taken over by a tenant – the second in the past year – and they still can’t seem to get it right! The outside sitting area on a sunny day is the perfect place to have a leisurely meal as you catch up on the news but the atrocious service standards and lack of clientele seems to suggest a lackadaisical approach to customer service.

You’d expect that an upmarket restaurant in a town where upmarket restaurants are few and far between would be falling over itself to attract the local business and office crowd but alas this is not the first time I am experiencing mediocre service at the place the first time being about two months ago when the management changed hands and they went around town distributing vouchers for free lunches to introduce the hotel to the masses! On that day the food took about 20 minutes to arrive and some of the accompaniments were cold and the presentation barely exciting to any of my nerve endings.

So you have been warned, avoid that place like the plague and if you know the guys managing the place tell them that they need to shape up on their service because hungry people don’t like to wait for their food for any length of time beyond 10 minutes. As for me they have lost my custom however little it was contributing to their bottom line.

I’m done with lunch today and shall have an early dinner at home instead but that experience has left a nasty taste in my mouth pun fully intended!!