Friday 21 November 2014

Exams for 5 & 6 year olds?

The children of today are a hardened lot. My colleague recently informed me that she needed time off to take her 6 year old daughter for an early morning interview at one of the leading private schools in town. The trend in private schools in Kenya is for children to undergo an interview (written) to determine their suitability to join a particular school. Yes, even 5 & 6 year olds joining Standard 1 & 2 in these schools go through this interview process I learnt. I am not sure if my grown up daughters underwent the same interviews at the tender ages of 5 & 6 years old. It was too long ago for me to remember!

I began chatting with my colleague and she brought up an interesting issue that I had never thought about. While it is the right of every private school to prescribe entry level requirements to join their school, what happens to such a child who fails their interview process? Since the school is in all likelihood going to disclose the results of the interview to the parent and not the child, how does a parent break this news to the child that they have failed? Does a child of 5 or 6 years even understand the concept of failing at this tender age?

If I were the parent of a child who failed in such an interview, I would lie to my child that the school was full and could not take any more children, which means that my conscience is also pricked by that lie since I cannot tell my child the truth that they have failed a simple interview where numbers, alphabets, drawing and coloring were their undoing (how mistaken I was. see footnote herebelow!). What psychological trauma would my child suffer on account of the truth that they have failed in an interview at such an early age? Would the truth as told to them be then ingrained in their sub-conscious minds that they cannot possibly succeed in later life? Would it make them feel later on in life that they are good for nothing failures?

I honestly don’t know but this business of interview tests for very young children is just another money making scheme for the private schools similar to the practice of sale of tender documents in the corporate world supposedly to discourage time wasters and it should be discontinued because it is a source of worry to the parents should the child fail and a possible contributor of long term psychological trauma for the failed child and their lying parents!! Kids should be left to be kids at tender ages and subjecting them to tests that last throughout the day is surely taking things too far.

I am not an educationist and would like to understand the rationale behind these things because surely this must have the approval of some body within the government seeing that it has been happening for a very long time. Since all schools issue report forms to their students in whichever class they are in why aren’t these results taken as a record of the performance of a child and their ability therefore to proceed to the next class in a new school? Call me naïve if you wish but as a social commentator I need to know if this is right, just and fair!

Footnote: By the way, my colleague later disclosed to me that the interview tests are real and involve papers in English, Mathematics, Kiswahili & Social Sciences. Social Sciences!! No wonder these kids lug around those heavy school bags loaded with tomes of school books with many suffering from back problems at tender ages. And yes my colleague’s daughter passed the interview tests and shall be admitted to Standard 2 in the school in question.






Tuesday 18 November 2014

For Men Only: Do you drill a hole in the ice?

This is a post that ladies shall not be able to understand because it relates to a closely guarded secret relating to a room frequented by men. So ladies stop right here……you have been warned!!

Now guys, I am sure you have all visited those high end hotels and restaurants that have sprouted across the country in the last few years. I am talking about those posh places where you are either invited as a guest for a cocktail party or a corporate event and where the price of a beer would afford you two beers at your local pub. I am specifically referring to those that now have the practice of conspicuously consuming huge quantities of ice……………………………..in their urinals which only happens in the men’s bathroom!

Before I continue, ladies………..…especially you over there in the corner (no names mentioned but you know yourself), yes you, stop reading now for this post is directed at the men!

I wondered for a long time why the waste of perfectly good ice in the men’s urinal. The secret can now be revealed. The main reason from my online research (yep…even such questions can be answered on google!) is that the melting ice acts as a slow, continuous flush washing away the warm piss as it melts the ice and more importantly leaves hardly any residual smell. It is also cheaper than those urinal balls that we are all used to. Inane as it may sound, many men also forget to flush away their piss even when the flush is provided at the urinal and in my opinion also prevents back splatter when your aim is off for reasons of trembling hands or being in drunken stagger mode or any other reasons. It also discourages flies from swarming since they cannot stand the cold air generated by the ice cube filled urinal.

Since I know that the ladies have heeded my warning and stopped reading this post after my initial warnings, I hope the guys can forgive me for revealing this secret of the men’s washrooms!!

But it doesn’t end there! I feel that there is a nefarious reason for the use of ice and it is also a plot to punish those who are getting on in age and are therefore unable to maintain a stream of piss strong enough to melt a substantial quantity of ice that a younger bloke would easily decimate in no time. The older you are the lesser the power of the stream so the possibility of drilling a hole clean through to the bottom of the ice should not be attempted lest you sprain one of the muscles that powers the piss stream!

I was reminded of this over the weekend when a visit to the urinal in one of those posh hotels revealed that the occupant prior to my visit had drilled a perfect hole right through to the bottom of the ice. My own lame attempt to emulate that fellow hardly seemed to shift any significant numbers of ice cubes much as a summoned all my reserves leading me to the logical conclusion that I was clearly in the over the hill league when it comes to powering my stream which is hardly solace to someone trying hard to pretend that he is still very much in the picture when it comes to macho matters!!.

So, if you are no longer able to drill a hole in the ice you are not alone but have joined a growing list of dribblers whose abilities have taken a pounding in many fronts over the years. As for the ladies who could not follow simple instructions contained in the beginning of this post, you can be the ambassadors of the little secret that men have been hiding all these years.





Saturday 15 November 2014

More insurance at my age. No thank you!

“Good morning Sir. I hope the Lord has been merciful and kind to you thus far!” the guy mumbled! At first I didn’t hear what he said so I asked him to repeat himself. This young man was probably in his early 20’s fresh out of college and raring to go out to make an impression in this big bad world selling life insurance. Why does everyone think that Bank Managers are always in need of life insurance and are therefore the first port of call for any aspiring insurance salesman?

Back to the young man! I stopped him dead in his tracks after he repeated his initial greeting unsure of what I had just heard and then proceeded to lecture him about his sales technique. You see, in sales and unless you are very sure of the affiliation of the party you are selling your products to never, ever invoke religion as a tactic to get empathy or whatever from your potential client more so now after Pastor Kanyari has been exposed for what he is though I digress!!

Invoking the name of the Lord to help you sell your product is unnecessary and unprofessional simply because you are telling the person you are selling to that you do not respect their religious beliefs. They could be atheists, agnostics, pagans, Hindus, Zoroastrians or Hare Krishna’s for all you know meaning that reference to the Lord could inevitably create a barrier with them. The fact that you have pre-judged a person as being of a Christian persuasion simply because of an assumption based on predominance, name and vocation is wrong and unacceptable and is like assuming that all those people that you meet in a bar are there to partake of an alcoholic drink!

I continued with my lecture to him that at the age of many Bank Managers it would be very expensive to purchase a life insurance product on account of our relatively advanced age and having been in the financial services sector for a considerable length of time then they would have long realized that the employers pension was never going to be enough on retirement and would have therefore already taken out a long term investment linked life policy as they plan for their retirement. In any case, I went on, I already had employer group linked policies for personal accident, medical and life and in addition I had three separate investment policies (one of them with his employer), a personal accident policy, a Domestic package policy, a motor policy, a separate medical policy and a golfer’s policy! All I now need is an insurance policy guaranteeing a reduction in my handicap in future!

The fact of the matter is that anyone over the age of 45 years is probably already in a relationship with one or more insurance companies on a long term investment policy to mature when they are in their 60’s. The focus therefore for the young aspiring insurance salesman should be on their age mates fresh out of college with hardly any commitments and get them to buy into a term life investment linked policy however small the initial premium. It looks like they believe that only the Bank Managers who can afford higher premium policies are the quickest way to riches! No wonder insurance penetration has been hovering around the 3% mark in Kenya for such a long time!

But this young guy was persistent I must admit and he must have been in the front row of his insurance sales class because after I was done, unfazed he asked me for references………………….. after offering to sell me WIBA! What, hadn’t he heard a thing I had said about age? I was now tempted to boot him out of my office because my friends are my age mates and the same argument as above holds true with many of them already having investment plans in place and sending them a fresh faced insurance salesman to sell them another policy would just piss them off royally!

What I told him in resignation at his persistence was that he was better off looking for people his own age that he could engage with and fascinate with the insurance products that he had to offer and forget about the guys who were already through with education policies and school fees policies because this is where many of my age mates are since they in all likelihood were already investing considerable amounts in investment linked life policies.

So my friends, you are safe because I decided a long time ago that I would not provide insurance references of my friend to salespeople to come and bother you in your offices. This is out of empathy since I know you feel the same way that I do when confronted by them yet you feel you are upto your ears in premium payments already.

Do however take out inpatient medical insurance for your aging parents since there are still some insurance underwriters that accept to have someone on cover so long as they have not surpassed a certain age. If my memory serves me right the one with the maximum age limit allows those upto the age of 75 to continue on cover so long as they signed up before that age but subject to certain restrictions on the scope of cover.

It would be appreciated if the same spirit of not referring me to any insurance salespeople would also be observed as a quid quo pro and with all due respect to the hard working people in insurance sales out there!





Wednesday 12 November 2014

Is this the side of Nyeri that I have never seen?

Is this the side of Nyeri County that I always hear about but have never really seen first-hand, of young men too drunk most of the time to do anything meaningful with their lives? This story shall have to end rather abruptly because I have no conclusions and I am at a loss because an inheritance of the amount that he received would indicate that this is not your normal story of someone from a poor family being jobless and therefore unable to fend for himself and thus being reduced to a life of perennial drinking and partying.

Recently a man hobbling on crutches walks into my office. He looks to be in pain and do I detect a whiff of alcohol? You see I operate an open door policy (even if the physical door remains closed) where anyone, client or colleague, can walk in without an appointment and so long as I am not busy on something else.

As is my custom I welcome him into my office and he sits down. Now the smell of alcohol is undeniable and hangs heavily in the air. I suspect that this is another sob story to the Bank Manager and I can bet a million bob I will not be disappointed. So he starts off rather hesitantly about how he has recently had an accident with his vehicle and now the car requires to be fixed so that he may sell it, the quotation for which is a princely sum of Kshs. 125,000.00. He is expecting some money from another bank being his share of his late father’s estate and does not have the money in his account at present but would like a loan that we can then recover when the estate proceeds come in ‘soon’!

The guys is obviously inebriated, actually plastered would be a more apt description, despite it being only 1.00 pm in the afternoon and is repeating the same story in a different version trying to get me to see his side of the story. I tell him that I require to see evidence relating to the purported transfer of money to his account with us which after some fumbling and mumbling he claims to have understood. I then ask him in Kiswahili if he has understood me, “Umenielewa” to which he belligerently responds “Sijalewa” (I am not drunk)!! It takes a lot of my considerable will power for me not to burst out laughing because he is either hard of hearing or is hearing his own things but like the serious sot that he clearly is, he is denying his drunkenness even when he has not been asked the question!

Before I continue, let me retract a little and put this story into perspective as I found out after he had left the office on his merry way Kshs. 500.00 bob richer thanks to a loan to him.

The father passed away recently and was a businessman of considerable repute in town owning various businesses and properties. His assets were distributed by the administrators of his estate and the visitor to my office had inherited some good money in cash as well as the accident prone vehicle which he now needed to repair. It was probably just sheer luck that had kept him alive after the accidents as shall become clear shortly. God after all supposedly takes care of drunkards and children!

Immediately the inheritance was transferred to his recently opened account with the bank he started on a spree of heavy drinking and partying and wasteful spending if his current state was anything to go by. This ensured that a small fortune of over Kshs. 2 Million in cash was no more a few short months later. Daily cash withdrawals either at the ATM or at the bank counters while accompanied by a group of 2 or 3 henchmen no doubt out to share in the spoils was the order of the day and with no credits to the account this tap had to eventually run dry. Probably abandoned by his friends now that he is penniless he appears desperate to resume some semblance of a respectable life style and with no apparent income sources had visited the bank on a mission to spin me a yarn and convince me about some money coming to him as a further inheritance that I suspect is just a tale as tall as Aesop’s fables!

I was having none of his story which was disjointed and clumsy in any case and interspersed with tirades against other family members in successful businesses nearby and bitter denunciations about them all pointing to a rather troubled man. As I had figured out all along he changed tact and cut to the chase and openly asked me to lend him some money with promises of repaying me ‘soon’ which I parted with glad to get rid of him from my office which was now literally foggy with alcoholic fumes!!

As I sent him on his way with a Kshs. 500.00 loan (which I am sure I shall never see) and profuse expressions of gratitude from him I couldn’t help but feel sorry and wonder what had led to this troubled man being where he was. Was it a lack of financial discipline as he was growing up? Did he have a very disadvantaged upbringing? Or was he just a careless person?

Tafakari hayo!!







Thursday 6 November 2014

Pastor, Conman or Genius?


I am not surprised at the story that aired over a recent weekend on a leading TV station and that has caused a tumult and uproar across the length and breadth of Kenya. I am not surprised because I have come to the realization that the human being is capable of anything under the sun, moon and the entire solar system. As we fume, gallivant and curse this fellow let us take a moment to reflect on what he has done.

Wikipedia definition: “Potassium permanganate is an inorganic chemical compound with the chemical formula KMnO4. It is a salt consisting of K+ and MnO−4 ions. Formerly known as permanganate of potash or Condy's crystals, it is a strong oxidizing agent. It dissolves in water to give intensely pink or purple solutions, the evaporation of which leaves prismatic purplish-black glistening crystals”.

Forget all those long confusing words at the beginning of the definition and concentrate on the last sentence”………… dissolves in water to give intensely pink or purple solutions ………….” and that folks is how a Form 2 dropout conned masses of people into believing that when their feet were bathed in holy water they would bleed and have their sins expunged/illness dissolved and all for the princely sum of Kshs. 310.00.

Now rather than calling this guy a conman and at the risk of upsetting some already very upset folks out there, this guy is a genius Form 2 drop out or not! How could he have zeroed in on that one fact from a confusing scientific definition of a chemical substance and used it to his advantage to get people to believe in his bloody (pun intended) powers? What is different with the ignorant shuka clad ‘Maasai’ who goes around with a vial of fool’s gold dust and sells it to unsuspecting clueless but greedy people at a throwaway price who only realise that they have been conned at the assayers office when they go to have the ‘gold’ tested.

The problem with many of us is that we are all human beings in our approach to get rich/get well schemes and scams. It is such a revelation to know that only you have the magic key that shall open the door to unbelievable fortunes that given the right circumstances the “Maasai” with the fool's gold dust vial who does not seem to know the true value of what he is holding, ignorant and primitive as he may appear shall have you eating out of his hands for a piece of the action the minute his sob story touches your heart while he knows full well that the promise of a quick buck to you is enough motivation to ignore your better judgement! While at it you shall keep the information to yourself lest another spoilsport comes along to ruin your payday. What a genius………..!

There was a man who was exposed some years ago with a supposedly life threatening ailment which was in fact a well-made up liver that looked like a festering wound that he used to elicit donations from sympathetic passersby as he lay pitifully on the streets his ‘wound’ exposed for all to see. That fellow would have put any Hollywood makeup artist to shame with his creation which was so realistic that people were horrified just looking at his ‘wound’. He was a bloody genius if you ask me.

If these are not examples of gifted, talented geniuses then I think we have got it all wrong in terms of the definition of genius which is:
1. Exceptional intellectual or creative power or other natural ability. 2. An exceptionally intelligent person or one with exceptional skill in a particular area of activity. 3. A person regarded as exerting a powerful influence over another for good or evil.

So, if I may pose a question, why the outrage, shock and anger? Is it because our own inadequacies have been exposed while we secretly admire and marvel at the guts that are shown by these guys in using their creativity to make a livelihood for themselves? Is it because we are embarrassed that a Form 2 dropout got the drop (pun intended) on us and has conned our mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters while making a fortune along the way? Would we be reacting the same way if this was a professor of chemistry or would be applauding his genius obtained after too many hours bent over petri dishes, Bunsen burners, beakers and flasks while combining various chemicals of the reactivity tables?

For good measure, this conman pastor business is now one of the most trending topics on social media at present and he is revelling in the attention and free publicity that he is getting knowing full well he shall still have a packed house come Sunday. What a genius!!

I must hastily add that I am not an advocate of religious conmanship or any conmanship for that matter but a mere student of human nature who is making the point that we should try and look at the sheer inventiveness that goes into some of these scams and only hope that if this creative energy was harnessed in a more positive manner how far we would be as a country!