Short insight – Why you should lend your own money

So you want to help that brother, cousin, friend etc who is struggling financially? Then do it with your own money………..not bank’s money!

Recently I came across an incident on the above lines. It appears that one of the bank clients Paul (not his real name) obtained a loan to purchase a vehicle on behalf of someone else. It is likely that this someone else, let’s call him Jamlick, could not qualify on his own name either because he has no bank account or more likely he has been adversely listed on Credit Reference Bureau (CRB) for being a defaulter and his bank declined his loan application.

Jamlick, having probably approached other financiers who were similarly reluctant to lend him the required amount on account of his CRB listing, it is likely that he then approached his brother, cousin, friend Paul to borrow on his behalf with a side arrangement where Jamlick would be depositing money in Paul’s account to cover loan repayments. Paul having had a good track record and not having been listed as a defaulter on CRB had no problem obtaining an asset finance loan from the bank.

This arrangement seems to have worked quite well until Jamlick defaulted on his commitment and the account is now in arrears. Naturally the party known to the bank is Paul whom we duly followed up and it is only after several follow up calls where he makes several unfulfilled promises to deposit money to cover the overdue instalments no doubt while pleading with Jamlick to do the honorable thing and settle his obligation that he reveals that the vehicle is being used by a friend elsewhere. He now requests the bank to arrange for repossession of the vehicle (that is in arrears anyway) as his friend has reneged on the arrangement that they had made!

If at this point you expect me to feel sorry for Jamlick’s predicament then you’re wrong because he is just a damned idiot! Here’s the reason why!!

From the outset and in the normal course of business between friends this is an arrangement that I am sure happens out there without any issues so long as both the parties adhere to their informal agreements. Whether the borrower gets any other benefit for his name to be used I am not sure but suffice is to say that very few business people would lend their names for free!

It is also almost certain that the initial deposit for the vehicle and insurance premium required and any other incidental expenses have been paid from Jamlick’s pocket and he now feels a sense of entitlement in the ownership of the vehicle because after all isn’t he the one that has been making the loan repayments to date and has he not met the earlier financial obligations towards purchasing the vehicle?

To cut a long story short, right now Paul’s reputation and financial credibility is at stake as the legitimate borrower with the bank and may find himself listed with CRB if the loan remains in arrears. The law also recognizes him as the legal owner of the vehicle given that it is him name on the log book albeit jointly with the bank and as such hiding under the cloak of having assisted someone is neither here nor there. The bank expects the loan to be serviced regularly and it is in Paul's best interest to settle the outstanding obligation and then pursue Jamlick separately to pay him back what he has paid to the bank!

Any side arrangement whether verbal or in writing with a 3rd party are therefore not recognized under any law and it is Paul who is likely to suffer the consequences of his misguided but well intentioned actions.

He should therefore have lent his own money and not involved the bank in his tomfoolery and he is therefore a damn idiot!!

Are banks complicit in corruption?

This corruption thing shall be the bane of many some of whom may not even be immediately obvious which I shall try to explain.

Politicians, state officers, civil servants and business people have all been fingered in the ongoing investigations on high level corruption in Kenya now declared a national tragedy because it takes two to tango – the giver and the receiver. As direct beneficiaries of this vice that is the way it should be.

Wanton theft of public funds and endemic corruption has been going on for many years and has made front page headlines not only within our plentiful borders but even beyond even as President Magufuli next door in Tanzania seems to have made driving the corruption cartels out of town by whatever means possible his only agenda so far in his infancy presidency. If only some of that fresh breeze blowing across Tanzania would waft into Kenya!

However, I fear that some banks will be found guilty and complicit in the ongoing corruption in high places investigations for many reasons. Banks are required under prudential guidelines to have in place a KYC (know your customer) policy requiring them to, in addition to being able to positively and correctly identify their prospective clients, also interrogate the source of funds that a person wishing to open an account shall be depositing. This requirement is not only for individual clients but business and corporate clients too.

Heavy financial penalties are prescribed for those banks which do not file their monitoring reports as required by the law for what may be termed suspicious transactions which is basically transactions that do not fit into the defined profile of their clients. This has happened recently in other jurisdictions outside Kenya with heavy fines being meted out on various banks within the last 12 months.

Where a transaction is out of the ordinary for a particular client, then the bank is under obligation to insist on documents in support of the underlying transaction to ascertain its origin and veracity and allow that transaction to be recorded in their books or else red flag the transaction as a suspicious transaction but still record the transaction in their books but with an accompanying freeze notification preventing the funds from leaving the banks books for the time being until the bank is satisfied that the funds have been genuinely received in the ordinary course of business or personal engagements. This means that one is required to declare their sources of income at the time of opening an account and the bank is then required to monitor the transactions in that account to see if the information given by their client in regards to their expected financial transactions tallies.

All these extraordinary measures are designed to prevent money laundering of ill-gotten funds and financing of terrorism activities. Monitoring software is now available to assist banks manage this difficult function which has also evolved into full fledged departments whose job is managing this potential risk that may even lead to the withdrawal of their banking license as well as the freezing of their overseas correspondent bank accounts that all banks require to conduct their foreign currency transactions on their own behalf as well as on behelf of their clients.It is therefore incumbent that all banks scrupulously follow the laid down procedures to prevent a catastrophic loss of confidence and business occasioned by the negative publicity of their dangerous business practices as custodians of the public wealth.

All banks in this country are also required as part of the internal due diligence to flag certain categories of persons who may be especially susceptible to activities that may border on corruption or money laundering so that the activities on their accounts are monitored more closely for possible infringements. These people are commonly known as P.E.P’s. In financial regulation, "politically exposed person" (P.E.P) is a term describing someone who has been entrusted with a prominent public function, or a relative or known associate of that person. A P.E.P generally presents a higher risk for potential involvement in bribery and corruption by virtue of their position and the influence that they may hold which brings me to the point why banks may be unwitting (or willing) accomplices of the corrupt and therefore complicit in the ongoing investigations!

In one of the recent cases, the son of a high ranking political figure was the custodian of hundreds of millions of shillings deposited through his bank account which sums a 21 year old would usually not have access to. Being a relative of a prominent public figure the son would also be deemed a P.E.P and therefore be subject to the same high level of monitoring required of P.E.P’s and the bank in this case may have failed in the test of know your customer and therefore be guilty of an offence.

It also follows that should the individuals and businesses currently being investigated be found guilty of corruption by a competent authority, then the banks where these individuals and companies maintain their bank accounts would also be enjoined in the whole mess as being guilty of handling the proceeds of crime and therefore likely to suffer punitive and hefty financial penalties or other administrative sanctions by the licensing authorities and their overseas correspondent banks for their transgressions. This again has happened in other jurisdictions where a person is found guilty of engaging in corrupt practices by a court of law and the bank is thereafter fined for being guilty of not reporting the suspicious transactions. Howvere, where a bank may have filed the suspicious transaction report then the bank is absolved of any blame in future should other forces come into play to reactivate a frozen account whose source of funds was the proceeds of crime.

So you see folks it is not only those directly caught with their hands in the cookie jar that are in trouble under the current circumstances but also those that handled the proceeds of the corruptly obtained funds through their banks and failed to follow the regulations required in making their suspicious transactions reports. I foresee a situation in the not too distant future where heads in certain banks will roll as a direct result of not reporting suspicious transactions which in hindsight stunk to high heaven!!

As a footnote and in answer to my question are banks complicit in corruption, the answer is a resounding YES if they failed to follow the laid down regulations because there is no defense for willful disregard for the rules as the Barings Bank collapse in 1995 reminds us. I would hate to be in the monitoring department of any bank today because the onus of deciding what may or may not construe a suspicious transaction is a difficult and onerous task though prudent banks would always want to err on the side of caution because the consequences of not complying are just too dire!!

Short insight - On the forthcoming FKF elections:

I am not sure what television debates are supposed to accomplish. Recently there was one on a leading TV station that paraded some people vying for the presidency of Football Kenya Federation (FKF) whose elections are slated for this coming weekend. A leading FKF presidential candidate was absent and being the incumbent that has faced a barrage of criticism recently over a seemingly lackadaisical attitude towards the national team the Harambee Stars whenever they are called up for national duty, this was an eye brow raising moment!

The delegates from the various branches of FKF across the country are the only ones that shall be voting in these upcoming elections and this therefore begs the question why the debate had to be televised on live national TV while less than 100 people shall participate in the actual election while the rest of us sit back in blissful ignorance until the results are announced.

Against a backdrop of a mediocre performance by the national team, an ongoing blame game about who is responsible for the mess in Kenyan football and allegations of corruption at high levels in matters football you would have expected that the incumbent would be present to vocally defend his tenure and provide some insights into how he shall manage the football affairs of this country if he were to be voted into his second term of office. His absence however is thought provoking given that he is a seasoned politician who many love to hate for his shenanigans and well known machinations leaving him perennially ahead of the pack to the chagrin of all.

Perhaps he decided that he has no time for a debate with his opponents where skeletons would be exposed to the public, or a pressing matter requiring his personal involvement suddenly and inconveniently came up or maybe he has a trick or two up his sleeve that he needed to use while his opponents were holed up in a debate at Nation Centre studios. We shall probably never know!!

I am not sure if the platform given to the FKF candidates via a live TV debate shall sway any votes their way because knowing the voting psyche in Kenya today, the highest bidder always carries the day and it won’t surprise me if the guy that was absent at the debate recently carries the day!

What is a golf handicap?

It always amuses me when a non-golfer asks what my handicap is because I can tell that they have no clue about what this seemingly complicated animal is. I will attempt to explain in as simple terms as I can and in a “golf handicap explained for dummies” kind of way!

A handicap in amateur golf terms is a numerical representation of the skill of an individual golfer. It is a number assigned between 28 - 0 for men and 36 - 0 for women with the lower number (or handicap for the sake of this discussion) indicating the better skill level of that golfer. It could also be said that a handicap allows golfers to make mistakes equivalent to their handicaps. It has nothing to do with hands or caps!!

A regular round of golf involves getting around the golf course in 72 strokes (or level par) though some courses could be rated as 71 or in extreme cases upto 74 as a handicap 0 or scratch golfer. A handicap essentially levels the playing field between the various skill levels of different golfers. What that means by illustration is that in the case of a man just starting out in golf and with an assigned handicap of 28, he is allowed to hit an extra 28 strokes on the same par 72 course i.e 100 strokes to play to his handicap. A person playing off handicap 10 would similarly be allowed to play a maximum of 82 strokes to play to his handicap. The strokes made less the handicap of that golfer would indicate the score for that round of golf. The person playing off handicap 0 and returning a score of 72 strokes and the handicap 28 guy returning a score of 100 strokes have both played the same score!!

Similarly, a lady just starting off in their golf career would start off at handicap 36 and hence is allowed to make 108 strokes to play to their handicap being the difference between the strokes played less the handicap assigned in this case 108-36=72.

You may be wondering how in all fairness someone playing off handicap 36 and one playing off handicap 6 can both play to their handicap when one has shot 108 and the other 78 a difference of 30 strokes (the number of times one hits a ball)………and that folks is what a handicap does, it levels the playing field so that a beginner and a relatively good golfer can play on the same course and compete quite well against each other!!

Depending on the golfers skill level it is sometimes possible to play better than your handicap and this is when things start to get interesting.

In the example above of a handicap 36 golfer playing 108 strokes and therefore playing to her handicap let us assume that she played a total of 102 strokes how would the computation look like? Like in the previous example if you subtract the strokes from the handicap in this case 102-36=66. If you then subtract the expected score to play to your handicap of 72 from the net score of 66 that you have played i.e 72-66=6 then this player has played 6 strokes better than their handicap and has thus improved their golfing skills and need to have their handicap adjusted/reduced accordingly.

The next question on your mind is probably then how does on reduce their handicap over time? I will not go into the complicated process as to how points are assigned depending on how well you played better than your handicap but I shall give an analogy that the better you play below your handicap the quicker your handicap reduces which is akin to being promoted to the next class in primary school after passing a test or an exam. In the above example the lady has passed the test and shall be promoted to the next class vide a handicap reduction and should be playing off handicap 26 the next time they play a round of golf.

If you are really good at golf and get in lots of practice, take lessons from a competent professional, invest in reading or watching videos on golf etc the process of handicap reduction can be quite quick but for the vast majority of mostly weekend golfers this process is a slow and agonizing plod and a very tiresome endeavor. By the same token a handicap can increase if you continually return poor scores upto the maximum assigned for both genders of 28 & 36 respectively.

Professional golfers like the ones you see on TV play off handicap 0 (or scratch) and their skill levels when they are in top form are such that they regularly play below their handicaps. These tournaments are played over a 4 day period with the first two days designed to reduce the ‘cut’ or number of players (usually between 72 and 80 players) who then go into the money rounds over the last two days.

The better you play at professional level and the lower your score the better your chances of ‘making the cut’ though sometimes the cut is at -1 (minus one) meaning that anyone who played to their handicap or worse is eliminated giving you an idea of just how talented these top professionals are. Scores of -20 (minus twenty) have been recorded many times as the winning scores in these tournaments over the four day period of play!

A handicap is a shining beacon of ones success on the golf course and the lower your handicap the higher the esteem, awe and regard you are held by fellow golfers. All golfers aspire to reduce their handicaps to single figures (between 9-0) but the reality is that many will never be single figure handicapped golfers for various reasons that I shall not delve into.

So the next time you ask me what my handicap is, I hope you will much better appreciate just how good a golfer I am when I tell you that I play off handicap 6……which I do!!

Corruption, corruption everywhere:

I despair at what is happening in Kenya today. I want to believe that we have a pragmatic and wise leadership that is aware of the issues that are supposed to be in the best interests of the country, but alas what we are seeing and reading about in matters of misuse of public funds and outright theft seems to suggest otherwise!

I recently watched a 2011 viral video of then President John Atta Mills of Ghana seemingly fed up with the shenanigans and corrupt ways of those in the Customs Department in his country, storming into what may have been the customs head office at the port of Tema and proceeding to tell off the corrupt officials. The visibly annoyed president did not mince his words and lambasted those present (unfortunately the video focus is on him so we don’t see the faces of those on the firing line) for failing to look at the interests of the country first but instead enriching themselves at their work stations. This must have been a serious crisis if the president himself made an appearance perhaps suggesting the gravity of the situation.

A friend who has been in Kenya for the last 15 years made a telling comment recently that in the decade and a half that he has been in the country not a single politician or high ranking government officer has been jailed for corruption or theft of public funds. Someone else present then shared a story how the North Korean leader earlier this year reportedly had a high ranking military general executed with anti-aircraft guns virtually vaporizing him for the treasonable act of napping during a military parade where the leader was present!!

While North Korea is not known to be a bastion of civility and democracy and indeed seems to be run like a personal fiefdom whose leadership is handed down from generation to generation, and whether this (apparently widely reported) event did take place - see story under the following link http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/may/13/north-korean-defence-minister-executed-by-anti-aircaft-gun-report the point is that drastic action is required from a leader to make a point if things are not progressing as they should.

In my opinion, and while agreeing with the opposition who are shouting from the rooftops about corruption, corruption and more corruption in government circles (and by the way I don’t believe they would be any different were the shoe on the other foot) I think that the theft of public funds and widely reported corruption reached endemic proportions a long time ago and continues unabated and unchecked and drastic, mercurical and unprecedented action now needs to take place before the country already in the throes of an economic shutdown collapses on itself.

I may not be an economist but the current economic crisis and reports of unpaid salaries and wages to state and government officers, high interest rates as the government continues to borrow domestically, banks shutting their doors to innocent depositors, ferries breaking down at the busiest ferry crossing point in Kenya at Likoni in Mombasa is nothing but a reaction to the years of corruption and theft of public funds by those entrusted with looking after the public vault.

Unless something, anything drastic and dramatic happens to stop this nonesense, this pussy footing and shielding of cronies and busom buddies implicated in corruption scandals and long drawn out cases in court designed seemingly to cleanse the accused shall not solve a thing. It behoves those who have sworn to protect our constitution to roll up their sleeves and fight this vice before it pulls us down into the abyss together! While their tactics may not be anything as dramatic as what happened in North Korea the message needs to be sent that corrupt individuals shall be dealt with firmly and decisively. The law must be applied equally across the board and the maximum sentence handed down to the individuals that make up these cabals and networks of corruption.

Corruption is everywhere and it must be fought at all levels starting with those with the power to stop high level corruption dead in its track!!

It’s just a matter of time and we’ll be inundated folks:

A friend is currently in America and he narrated how a week ago he was unable to proceed on a planned visit to Washington DC due to hurricane Joaquin bearing down on the East Coast of the US and how due to the state of emergency declared by respective state governors leading to all non-essential travel being cancelled they had stayed put even practicing living in a storm cellar should things get really rough. Well they dodged that bullet with the hurricane veering off towards Bermuda and causing serious damage in that region.

This is a grim preamble to our own looming crisis, but are we ready for it? The now boring mantra of ‘serikali saidia’ is almost on us once again. With the advent of the expected El Nino rains as has been predicated not only by our weather men in the +254 but also internationally heavy rains affecting much of the country will be upon us soon in a deluge of rain, more rain, floods, over flowing rivers, landslides and misery interwoven in equal measure reminiscent of the times of Noah and his famous Ark! This is expected to be the worst period of continual rain for the last 60 years.

In Kenya, the central and county governments seem to have taken the threats of flooding and related perils wrought by the expected heavy rains seriously (and I say this with a pinch of salt and tongue in cheek and trying unsuccessfully not to roll on the ground as I burst out laughing) based on the frenetic warnings to those living in flood prone low lying areas as well as those on riparian reserves and hilly slopes prone to landslides to relocate for the time being until the El Nino rains are over. There also appears to be additional efforts to clear up chocked and clogged drains and to widen drainage channels in flood prone towns and low lying areas despite the blame game that is shaping up with the central government being accused of not releasing funds for El Nino preparedness a song that is likely to take on a more stringent tone when the rains begin pounding in earnest.

The die is already cast and already some deaths have been reported in the media in rain related incidents across the country but the citizens are having none of these requests to move away from danger responding with the clichés that they have nowhere else to go, their homes have never been affected before so why now, and that their children are hard at work studying for exams…….as if they shall have a future should the deadly predictions be proved right and whole families plus their books and beloved pets are swept into a watery grave one rainy night!

But anyone over the age of 15 years of age will agree with me that in this digital age weather predictions are spot on 95% of the time so while it would be unfair to look on with disdain at the steps a caring government (oxymoron intended) is taking to protect its citizens from the almost certain elements soon to visited upon us, it is equally foolish to ignore the advice of the scientists that study such mundane things as weather predictions for a living, with one clueless guy recently admitting he has not heard anything about heavy rains and once again proving beyond doubt that aliens from another planet do populate our country!

So don’t rule out ‘serikali saidia’ choruses when rain drenched citizens who refused to heed warnings of danger with nothing else left but the clothes on their backs now turn to the same government that they ignored for assistance when the chips and their homes are finally down swept into a pulpy mess by the raging storms soon to land on our shores!

But whatever you do heed the expert calls on how to stay safe rather than sorry however silly they may sound because this could save your life.

Religion takes on a new dimension

Back in the day when you dared someone to a school yard fight you drew a line in the sand and dared them to cross at the risk of a through beating while in actual fact you were lily livered cowards. It didn’t matter how many times that line was breached because you would draw another and another until light faded or your parents came to pick you up from school sparing you further blushes as the champion school yard coward of the day!

Sometimes I’m not sure whether to laugh at religious zealots who follow their religious leaders with puppy dog devotion lapping up all the content spewed at them or to weep at what I would consider their naïveté for signing up for something that they cannot now exit peacefully without being labeled a charlatan somewhat like the school yard bully who keeps drawing lines in the sand while awaiting a tactical time to retreat without losing face.

I recently wrote about religion and it seems that the excesses of that sensitive subject never quite disappear, they only fade away only to resurface at the most inopportune of times. This time we had unwittingly exposed a bishop of a church to ridicule in the eyes of his flock to the chagrin of the lay leadership of the church who couldn’t understand how we could fail to recognize the authority of a whole bishop of the church.

Let me digress a little with a narration of an incident that happened to me many years back. I was in Form 6 and the deputy head boy of a predominantly Asian school in Nairobi. The practice of having an Asian head boy/girl and an African deputy head boy/girl had been part of the tradition in the school to bring in some semblance of inclusivity of the African for a few years and seemed to be working well and this was my year.

One fine day we received an important guest in the school, the Begum Salima the wife to the spiritual head of the millions of Ismailia Muslims across the world his holiness the Aga Khan himself. This event had been preceded by a lot of excitement by the Ismailia students and staff at the school and the mood was palpable and the air pregnant with expectation. As was the tradition the visitor was introduced to the student leadership in the school and I got to solemnly shake her highnesses hand a gesture probably considered blasphemous given that the teachers were swooning all over themselves to bow their heads in supplication and get that all important touch on their heads!

“How could these upstart Africans get to hold hands with royalty” must have been on the thoughts of many because the immediate reaction after she left was for them to approach me to find out how it felt like! Other than being soft to the touch and quite cool her handshake didn’t feel any different from anyone else’s but of course they were having none of that. Didn’t I know that I had been blessed a million times more by that small hand shake than those whose heads had been touched? No I didn’t……..! Would I wash my hands anytime soon? Sure I would to disbelieving gasps from the assembled teachers and students alike who affirmed that they would never wash their hands for the rest of their lives if they were in the same situation that I found myself in. At that moment the fact that I had been blessed by the Aga Khan himself by the simple gesture of a handshake from his wife was lost on me.

Fast forward to today 35 years later! We open a church account for a specific church recently and get all necessary documents including a letter from the Chairman of the Church Central Committee confirming no objection. A few months later all hell breaks loose after an abortive and volatile election of the church where the outgoing committee who happen to be signatories to the account in our books dispute the outcome of the elections and inform the bank accordingly. The next day, another group of people come to the bank armed with a letter from the church and the bishop informing us that they are the new signatories to the account. By whatever definition this is a full blown dispute pitting different factions of a church that I have so far only ever read about in the press.

Now this is a delicate situation by any standards and we need to move fast to retain the banks reputation and more importantly safeguard the money in the account so we freeze the account. No money can be deposited or withdrawn from the account for the time being and then we write an official letter to the church as our client with a copy to the bishop asking that they resolve their issues and then advise us to change signatories with the full knowledge of all factions.

Our letter seemed to be the last straw as a fuming chairman then accuses us of undermining the name of the bishop by subjecting it to ridicule by the congregation of the church that had held the abortive elections with our letter to them asking them to resolve their disputes!

The questions that arise are these. How am I expected to understand the authority of a bishop of a church that I don’t follow? What gives a member of a congregation the right to accuse me of disrespecting the authority of the bishop? Why in the first place have disputes within your church that you cannot manage yet want to drag the name of a bank into internal disputes?
The hierarchical structures in place in any church are an internal matter and should not be confused with the acceptable practices employed in financial establishments where our motives are neither emotional nor dictated by the authority of the highest office in that organisation. Whether the Begum Salima, the Dalai Lama, the Syedna the bishop and so on I should not be expected to kow tow to the faith of the believers and blindly be expected to pay homage and practice reverence when I am in their exalted presence or to instruction in letters written in their exalted hands.

On a similar note I was once phoned by an all-powerful civil servant for daring to subject one of our highly connected clients with a letter of default on his loan facilities and threatening to auction his property. As calmly as my shaking voice could muster I told him that the party had defaulted on his obligations with the bank and I was not at liberty to disclose issues relating to a client of the bank against all my sinews urging me to reveal all and live with the consequences. Thankfully he disconnected the line before my sweaty hands had dropped the handset whereupon I contacted my superiors and informed them of the earth shattering phone call for them to handle.

A well-known and powerful public civil servant contacting a lowly me sitting in my modest office could get me all riled up and standing to attention almost saluting as I responded to his phone call but I still managed to convey the banks position on a sensitive issue so why would a person unknown to me cause me to suffer the same tremens delirium?

The long and the short is that issues relating to a church or congregation should not compel one to insist that others behave the same way to their chosen beholden mami and dadi because religion is a personal choice.

Religion is a touchy subject:

Earlier today a pastor whose church we have been wooing for a bank account for some time asked me in the course of our discussions if I was born again and seemed to be personally affronted when I told him that I was not! This did not faze me in the least but once again the topic I am about to tackle – religion - came to the fore.

Religion is a touchy subject so touchy that anyone commenting on it is likely to incur the wrath of those whose toes they seem to be treading on. Commenting on matters religious is akin to treading on thin ice or in our Kenyan context a mud hole where any wrong step may result in a messy pair of shoes and possibly worse.

I was reminded of this a few weeks ago when an innocent comment on a social media platform where I am a member sparked off indignant outrage. It started off, like such things, quite innocently when a member commented that he did not see the necessity of long winded sermons on matters religion being posted every morning onto our social media page – Whatsapp to be precise - yet the forum was supposed to be dedicated to matters and information affecting the neighborhood that we reside in.

In my opinion this was a personal statement that should have been met with measured comments on its pros or cons but not with the furious rebuttals and counter allegations by supporters of the said sermons (who probably get their dose of spiritual nourishment from those sermons) who came out guns ablaze in support.

My own opinion which I voiced was that the forum was set up to discuss and disseminate issues affecting our community and that we were a disparate and diverse (through the overwhelming majority practice the Christian faith) community who espoused different religious views and therefore it was unfair to those that did not espouse those views to be part of the audience. I further went on to opine that if I was a Muslim and decided to use that forum to spread the word of Allah I would be labeled as being unchristian and using the wrong forum for the simple reason that the majority are, as I’ve mentioned, of the Christian persuasion!

Suffice is to say that the original asker of the innocent question left the group a short while later and the religious sermons no longer populate our phones so something clearly must have been done or a decision taken elsewhere for the sake of fulfilling the objectives of the group.

One can argue that in those situations, you have the option of either reading, deleting or ignoring content that doesn’t interest you because everyone has different motives for their actions but I guess the point being made was that if you set us a Whatsapp forum for golfers as an example, should you then start posting issues relating to your failed marriage or your difficult boss at the office?

This brings me to the topical issue that is currently trending in the news and on social media about a pastor at one of the charismatic churches in Nairobi who was in a hurry to get to wherever he was going several days ago and in the process causing the death of an innocent person after a head on collision with an oncoming vehicle. This may be considered an accident which is likely to happen to any motorist at one time or other in their lives but the fact that he seemed to be breaking every rule in the book including carelessly speeding, overtaking and forcing drivers of the road while on an expired insurance sticker goes to show just what kind of deviant behavior he was exhibiting.

That he then took off from the scene of the accident in another vehicle even as people lay writhing in pain and dying and then proceeded to engineer a cover up of epic proportions with the help of rogue police officers from a nearby police station who ignored witness statements, erased call and SMS data as is emerging from investigations ordered by the Inspector General of Police, is the icing on the cake in this ignominious and contemptible saga that is now threatening the careers of several people including those that misadvised the IGP into making statements on his social media page in defending the hapless pastor.

He also seems to command police protection and have high level connections with his vehicle being released with uncustomary speed from the police yard where it was towed to and was even able to pay a likely scapegoat to act as the alleged driver of the vehicle arraigned in court neck brace and all is the stuff of a riveting action movie. I wonder how many other such cases abound where innocent chaps for a few shillings happily languish in jail knowing that the loot they have been paid will be theirs to enjoy once released from gaol!!

The question on everyone’s mind now is how did he with his cloak of religious piety even think to come up with this cloak and dagger scheme? Is this not the thinking of a dangerous and nefarious criminal? If this is the role model to his congregation and society at large then surely the world is coming to an end as was foretold in the bible!

Continuing with matters religious, I came across a post by a member of parliament again on social media who was asking for views from his constituents on going after 2nd generation churches now that 2nd generation alcohol had been consigned to various streams, rivers and sewers across the country. It was not clear who his intended victim was supposed to be but it seems that he is similarly fed up with the goings on and shenanigans by some of the pastors, bishops, ministers, anointed and so on who have made religion a get rich quick scheme where they extort money from their congregations through various nefarious schemes whose only result is to impoverish their flock even more.

The general feeling from the responses to his question was a furious barrage of self-righteous indignation that such a thought could even cross his mind if he wished to see the inside of parliament ever again with the more rabid and vacuous defending religion as their right and no one should direct them who to follow and when. No wonder that religion is probably one of the biggest causes of broken families in our country today.

So with pastors thinking like hardened criminals and the faithful (victims) defending their pastors as being as clean as the driven snow we are in for a showdown of epic proportions if ‘mheshimiwa’ makes good his threats to sweep away 2nd generation churches from our midst because clearly there are those faithful who are ready to take a bullet for their thieving and immoral pastors while at the same time defending them against their crimes as the work of the devil the eye witness accounts notwithstanding!

As for my brave neighbor who took on the wrath of God’s defenders I salute your right to defend your space when it is being taken over by others. May the good Lord also punish those of his servants who mock him through their actions and may the judge who is assigned this case not be swayed by the prayers of those who believe their pastor cannot possibly have done what he is being accused of.

Finally may that imbecile of a man who agreed to stand in for his pastor as a scapegoat driver also suffer the wrath of the judicial system for perjury and misrepresenting the truth while under oath.

You need to finally tame corruption Sir!!

Mr. President it is time to whip out the big stick because someone no doubt faceless and part of a gluttonous cartel has just stolen my money. Correction, sir…………..someone has been stealing my money for a very long time.

Going by the report from the auditor general in the dailies recently that shocked me into a stunned silence, I have calculated that my share of the stolen billions is Kshs. 1,675.00. This may not sound like much but multiply that by 40 Million Kenyans and suddenly it becomes an obscene number, Kshs. 67 Billion to be precise! Collectively my immediate family has lost a whopping Kshs. 6,700.00 and your family an even larger amount of Kshs. 8,375.00 enough to take care of supermarket shopping for a week. If I rope in my extended family on both sides, this figure is exponentially raised by the number of people in my extended family and becomes a significant amount.

I am not sure that those that manage the public resources of this country know the irreparable damage they cause when they dip their grubby fingers into the public pot because in the private sector where I work this would be a sure recipe to spill your ‘unga’ with no equivocation. You would be out of the door long before the word sorry has had a chance to form in your mind which is no doubt how your family businesses are managed with honesty and transparency!

Some of those whose dockets have been mentioned have even said that their dockets are clean and the auditor general doesn’t have a clue what he is talking about but pray what benefit would he get from falsifying a report of such momentous proportions, and while at it increase his personal security detail because corruption is about to fight back.

So how shall you smite this demon of corruption that has transformed itself over the years to consign the public sector to a veritable den of crooks at a feeding trough? Will your solemn oath to protect this nation and fight corruption be mere rhetoric? Will you leave us a legacy of continuing corruption during your term in office? We need to hear you on this serious matter and most importantly see solid and incontrovertible action against these enemies of this country.

Your recent action to ask those named in corruption allegations to step aside was a step in the right direction and all of us thought that finally heads would roll. We still wait with bated breath but alas the wheels of justice turn ever so slowly or is it corruption fighting back? With only 26 cases out of the hundreds of names in the list of shame seeing the light of day it looks like corruption is winning and those initially named in the list of shame are still parading around shamelessly broadcasting to all and sundry of their innocence as they continue to flaunt their ill-gotten wealth.

But what is stepping aside a term invented by disgraced public servants & politicians who don’t want to admit that they are guilty of the allegations leveled against them? I say fire these jokers, freeze their bank accounts and have their names, careers and reputations put under intense scrutiny to make them as miserable as the poor people that they are stealing from including their own grandmothers, mothers and daughters. When investigations are done and incontrovertible guilt proven which shall no doubt happen, set up a special court to prosecute these traitors as quickly as possible because resolve alone without action will not result in the much desired changes to the endemic culture of corruption in the public service.......with all due respect to the majority of the hard working civil servants who are free of graft!

Let your big stick whip equally those close to you, those from your community and those of your trusted advisors and lieutenants that may have failed the test of public accountability because ‘kikulacho ki nguoni mwako’! Let there be no sacred cows and let the investigations be conducted openly and transparently and cover a minimum of 20 years because there is no statute of limitations on treason and a majority of those who stole and continue to steal my money are no doubt still around.

Corruption is bound to fight back big time because it is backed by a bottomless war chest of stolen public funds by a few individuals but the majority of Kenyans will be routing for your success and the bright future of this country because truly we are all fed up!!

You need to finally tame this beast before it gobbles us all up!

Austerity or a stroke of genius:

I am not going to say that I was not impressed by the frugality of the new Central Bank of Kenya governor who has refused to accept the perks that go along with the high office that he occupies.

That he has refused the offer of three top of the line executive vehicles, a palatial residence in one of the most sought after suburbs of Nairobi, a plethora of servants at his beck and call, a security detail comprising bodyguards and drivers and a smart phone befitting his position can only mean one thing.......good grief what was the man thinking?

It was bad enough, they said, that the man had no wife, no children and no worldly possessions of any value other than the simple clothes on his back and those in his tin trunk back at his shared accommodation facilities with other like-minded individuals somewhere in Nairobi. Someone even had the gall to offer him a wife as if that would guarantee him to do the job at hand better!

Looking at this issue critically, I can’t help but think that this man is miserly and does not want others to progress at his expense. He is about to commit 20-30 people to the unemployment queue and their immediate and extended families to a life of penury and for what, to save a few million shillings in tax payers’ money! Or is he just a pragmatist now that the Kenya shilling has touched the Kshs. 100.00 mark last seen 4 years ago?

I wonder whether he shall be driving himself to work in his personal vehicle possibly a nondescript 2005 Toyota Corolla even as he mulls over the decline in the value of the Kenya Shilling and agonizes on how to make banks bring down interest rates since they don’t seem to comprehend that there is a direct correlation between interest rates and inflation.

He also risks being stopped and fined by overzealous traffic police officers ever vigilant to arrest those with the serious offence of talking on the phone while driving because being the busy man that he is he is bound to receive important phone calls that he cannot ignore (even if he doesn’t make any) on his latest mobile phone, a Nokia 3310 gifted to him by a grateful South Korean business mogul after the governors predictions in the movement of the Won against the US dollar 15 years ago made the business mogul a handsome return on his investment. After all he is the CBK governor!

But really what is so difficult about travelling in economy class instead of first class? What is so difficult about living a life free from the demands of a wife and kids as many men shall attest to today while quoting the hackneyed saying that the wedding ring is a strong and lifelong handcuff and so you’d better choose your warden wisely? What is so important about being seen in the biggest and longest car on the block or living on a two acre manicured compound surrounded by servants and bodyguards? Aren’t these just ego trips and expensive unnecessary expenses because they are certainly not necessities in my humble opinion. I think the culture we have all eschewed is looking for the jobs with the greatest perks and benefits even when clearly those perks and benefits may not necessarily add value to your life.

I wonder how previous CBK governors manage their lives now that the bodyguards, drivers, servants and big cars paid for by the tax payers are no longer at their disposal? Does it mean that they now have to foot the bill to enjoy all these benefits and perks that they had taken for granted while in their high office?

There is one good example of austerity in one Jose Mujica aka Pepe a former president of Uruguay until early 2015. Mujica, had foregone a state palace in favor of a farmhouse owned by his wife where they grew flowers for sale, he donated 90% of his modest $12,000.00 monthly salary to social projects, flew economy class when required and drove himself in an old Volkswagen Beetle. He was and still is one of the most popular leaders in that country to date partly because of his austerity but I would want to believe more for being a role model to his subjects. It is likely there are also hundreds or even thousands more such cases around the world where leaders deny themselves the perqusities that come with their job roles simply because they may not fit into their chosen lifestyles.

One of my brothers was the Group CEO’s of a public listed company until a year ago and he was in constant fights with his managers about cutting down on costs. He was entitled to 1st class tickets as the CEO and 5 star accommodation whenever he travelled (which was quite frequently) and a new official vehicle complete with a driver but chose instead to fly economy and stay at 2 & 3 star hotels. He often jogged home in the evening telling his driver to take the car home and many times he actually got home way before his driver thanks to the endemic traffic jams in Nairobi.

So it is possible to live a humble life and forego some of the perks and benefits that come with a high paying job and lead by example because which of your juniors shall expect fat perks and 1st class tickets when travelling with the head honcho of the company.

Kudos to governor Njoroge for leading from the front and all the success as he takes on his new responsibilities at the helm of the Kenyan monetary system more so now that the local currency is under immense pressure and has touched an all-time low against all other major international currencies!

Is there any distinction between matatus and excrement?

I look at ‘matatus’ on our roads and get the feeling that they are not dissimilar to human (s*#t) excrement.

They come in all shapes and sizes like you know what! Some are large, some are small and many are medium sized. Others are long, while others are short and of an unidentified pedigree. Still others are well formed while others are misshapen and almost beyond identification.

They are like the proverbial loose stool on our roads, sliding in and out of traffic leaving a trail of havoc, destruction and chaos in their wake and a stink in the air and without caring to clean up after themselves.

Sometimes they just squat there waiting to be cleared by the cops especially after a “teeny weeny” fender bender with an innocent motorist, while at other times they diarrhea all over the place like an infant without diapers or a drunk after a potentially lethal dose of ‘kari kari’ in their haste to fill any nook and cranny on the roads as they overlook all the rules of the road to get to their destination.

At other times it is as if they have constipation, unable to go anywhere and blocking the flow of traffic while just sitting there stone faced acting as if they are invisible and immortal.

Other times they are just all talk and no action like a person with an upset stomach because of the wrong dose of fuel or oil, farting and making a hell of a lot of noise with no corresponding positive motion in any direction.

And what about the confusion wrought in the bus stage similar to an unflushed loo at one of the local pubs as each tries to outdo the other all shapes, colors and sizes intertwined as they release their innards of disembarking passengers while they fill up with those wishing to get home stinking up the whole place and all with the same desire to flow out of there as quickly as possible when done to add to the mess that they found.

Surely the analogy between these guys and what comes out of an anus is no different!

My counting obsession

Mathematics was never my favorite subject in school and neither did I perform very well in that subject but over the years mental arithmetics, I have discovered, keeps me sharp and in a good frame of mind. In my vocation as a banker numbers shall inevitably come up whether it be cash, interest rates, foreign exchange rates, fixed deposit rates, business targets etc. Because our lives have now become completely automation driven from cash counting, to calculations, to system posting to deposit and loan conversion tables, to foreign exchange monitoring, to shares trading etc fewer and fewer people now calculate their figures manually.In golf also you are always counting something from the number of strokes you have made to tallying up the final score for yourself and the person you are marking and how can I forget the bet money with the various permutations of computing bets!

While admittedly square roots, sine, cosine and tangents are all alien things that are irrelevant to the ordinary mortal I know that these are an important part of someone's day to day job but not for me!! Why someone had to force us to learn these equations is beyond me upto today but I am sure a good living is made by those with the predisposition for these things. I am however now mentally able to calculate the acres in a hectare, the square feet in square metres, the litres in a cubic foot, the yards in a metre, kilometers per hour in miles per hour, the miles per hour in kilometers per hour, the amount of dollars/pounds/euro in Kenya shillings and vice versa etc.

I have counted bumps on the Thika Highway between Nairobi & Nyeri and a bit of useless triva for whatever it is worth is that believe it or not there are over 100 bumps including those annoying rumble strips along that 141 kilometer road from Naivas on Thika Road to Nyeri Town. 24 of these bumps are between Skuta as you approach Nyeri town and my house on Baden Powell Road a distance of probably 6 kilometers. Whether these bumps add any longevity in years to the people of Nyeri or are just an inconvenient drag and fuel expense to motorists may never be know because no one is sure why they had to be so many bumps in the first place.

To keep myself awake as well as to ease off on the gas pedal on some of my journeys usually while alone, I often count the number of Toyota vehicles folowing each other in a single file (excluding trucks,buses and motor cycles) be they Prados, Proboxes, Hiluxes, Hiaces, Mark X's, Corolla's, Allexes, Allion's, Surf's, Caribs, Crowns, Mark II's etc. The most at any one count have been a staggering 35 proving that Kenya is indeed Toyota country followed a distant second by Nissan! In the heavy commercial category, Mercedes Actros seems to be the clear runaway leader based on my experiences along Mombasa Road where these behemoths rule the highways while in the delivery van category Mitsubishi takes the prize!!

So there you have it, a little useless trivia to use as you please for whatever it is worth from the number of bumps along the highway to Nyeri to the dominant numbers of vehicles in different categories on our roads!

This beautiful country called Kenya – A golfers perspective (Part 2):

We left for Nandi Bears later that evening after the presentation and dinner at Kitale Club. It is a distance of 130 kms through Eldoret and Kapsabet through tea country. It was night time so we didn’t see much though we went on partaking of our drinks along the way trading general insults and dirty stories that only men can do all through the journey until one by one we dozed off fitfully to awake on arrival in Nandi Bears Club at midnight greeted by cold highland weather and a bar full of members finalising their golfing event of the day at the 19th hole on conclusion of a big tournament earlier. The club has limited and quite rudimentary accommodation facilities so only 5 of us were to spend the night at the club with the majority spending the night at a hotel in the nearby Nandi Hills town.

The next morning we arose bright and early from a somewhat fitful sleep with accusations of some getting lost among the tea plantations when answering the call of nature and calling their wives to rescue them from the Nandi Bear when they couldn’t find their way back to the room while others clutching onto their roommates in a bid to ward off the cold thanks to the generous whiskey and beer bought by the appreciative members of the club who were aware of our arrival and had scheduled a casino game the next day. Breakfast behind us and our colleagues’ arrival at the club from the hotel another day of golf beckoned.

Nandi Bears Club is one of those clubs that is beyond description because one cannot do justice by describing it because seeing is truly believing! It is a beautiful club set atop a hill with the 9 hole golf course spread out around you and below you. The view across the Nandi Escarpment is breathtakingly beautiful across the green tea plantations as far as the eye can see. The golf course and surroundings are perpetually green on account of regular rain that falls in any tea growing region around the world. The designers of the course seem to have got it right first time and due to the hilly terrain you are mostly playing your ball above or below your feet which can be quite daunting if you are not used to it. The course has a lot of indigenous trees and bushes resplendent in their majestic canopies that sometimes overhang the golf course making a shot tricky but nonetheless the thick spongy grass makes it a joy to play on.

All the tee positions for the 1st and 2nd nines are placed differently giving you a different perspective to the course with the 5th and 16th holes leaving little margin for error on your tee shot because of the impossibly small window to thread your ball through. Despite the daily rain storm that last upto 30 minutes for which play was delayed as people took shelter in the little bandas scattered around the course, the majority managed to finish play on this delightful course. Presentation over, a late lunch partaken off and winnings shared out among the predominantly Nandi Bears winners and a drink from the captain we were on our way for the last lap of our four course golf weekend to Kericho Club via Kibos a predominantly sugar cane growing region in Kisumu County.

It seemed that we always left for our next destination in the late afternoon meaning that we never got to view the scenery of our beautiful country during the day and it was on this leg that it was suggested that on our next tour we would be leaving for our next destination in the early morning so as to get to see our country, get to the next club in the late morning and then play golf before going to bed and then leaving the next morning for our next club destination an idea that was supported by the majority on this tour.

We got to Kericho town at 10.00 pm after an uneventful drive and checked into our hotel rooms whereupon those wishing to do so were free to go to bed while the adventurous ones went out on the town for some night time sightseeing. The hotel where we were to spend the night is a family themed hotel on bed and breakfast basis and serves no alcoholic beverages. The management however has no objection to you partaking of the stuff in your room so long as you do not disturb the rest of the guests. It’s called Sunshine Hotel and is located along the main road and 3 minutes’ drive from Kericho Club our venue for our final day of golf. It has a great ambience, good rooms and reasonable prices and the food is also good.

The next morning having partaken of a hearty breakfast and our bags packed and loaded onto the bus we set off for Kericho Club with some choosing to walk the short distance to the club. Kericho Club is a beautiful 9 hole golf course and like all the clubs we had visited thus far is perennially green and located in two sections where you cross a busy tarmac road to get to the other side. It also has room facilities next to the main club house. A casino inclusive of lunch was on the cards and in progress on the day that we arrived and we decided to enter it in addition of our own bet.

Being right in the centre of Kericho town, the golf course abuts residential and commercial areas of town and can be quite noisy when compared to Eldoret, Kitale and Nandi Bears relative tranquility. In addition the out of bounds on the golf course is a distinct reality given the proximity to the adjacent tarmac road and the commercial and residential areas surrounding the course as mentioned.

The golf course itself is more or less of a flat topography but with some serious roughs and tree groves that can be hazardous to those unable to stay on the fairways. It is cleverly built with hidden greens and bunkers that you cannot see on your approach until you literally fall into one. During our visit they were in the process of changing their greens to bent grass greens and hence some of the holes were played on temporary greens.

The last hole – No.9 or No.18 – is the signature hole for the course and features a water hazard that must have been designed by a comic at heart because it faces the club house and therefore all shots onto the green if too crisp have the potential to send members scampering for cover. Naturally this means that many approach shots onto the green are played with caution inevitably ending up in the drink. A total of 7 balls from those in the tour found their way into this hazard with at least four being from the drop zone alongside the water hazard. So near yet so far was a euphemism that was to ring loud and true for some who dropped valuable shots on this hole!!

Kericho also rains a lot at about 3.00 pm and as the clock struck this hour it came down in buckets and this time for a good hour continuously and furiously with accompanying winds and thunder but luckily we had all finished our round of golf. We are told that they tend to start competitions early to avoid the daily dose of rain in the late afternoon though the well-drained soil tends to clear the puddles quite quickly. So having partaken of the late chemsha meal, showered, changed and with a drink in the system it was time to leave only to discover that there were some amongst us who had played a good round and were amongst the casino winners forcing up to wait for the cash to be dished out and delaying our departure to 5.00 pm or so.

Our weekend of golf was over just like that. It had been a huge success and had accomplished our objectives of playing at 4 different courses, getting to know one another, cementing lasting bonds of friendship and knowing hitherto unknown things about people. We tried to accomplish this by getting people within the group to play golf with others within the group, sharing accommodation facilities where necessary and with different people each night and having meals and a drink together. The laughter, the jibes, the swearing, cursing and insults were on the way back to Nairobi less restrained then on the way to Eldoret so comfortable had people become with one another and the writing was on the wall that (not if but when) we should do the trip again in future.

Our drivers on the trip were part of the group and had been excellent in the execution of the duties choosing to remain sober when it was their turn to drive the next day while the rest made utter fools of ourselves in the bus. The return trip though Sotik and Narok took us the better part of 5 hours to Limuru Club where elated we disembarked packed our stuff away in out cars, had dinner and then left for our respective homes exhausted but elated to have been part of the first Western Tour.

This beautiful country called Kenya – A golfers perspective (Part 1):

We have a beautiful country people, truly remarkable in all the sense of the word. From the rolling plains, to the awe inspiring mountains and hills, to the wonderful beaches of the coast and the rift valley lakes and mighty rivers flowing across our grassy landscapes, we have it all and then some.

To the ardent golfer it is a paradise waiting to be explored and with 40 plus golf courses scattered across the country you are well and truly spoilt for choice. As a by the way did you know that Kiambu county has the most golf courses in any county in Kenya? They are at least 8 in total so count them and prove me wrong!

We started this group called Western Tour a few months ago, Easter time to be precise. It was conceived by a quintet of four and was contrived as comprising a group of golfers of similar mindedness and as being an all-male extravaganza so that we get away with the shenanigans that man can only get away with without the raised eyebrow of a disapproving madam! The intention was to take advantage of one of the long weekends and see how many golf courses we would be able to play at in the Western parts of Kenya over that weekend where many in the group had never played before.

So thanks to social media a Whatsapp page was set up and with invites sent out to the lucky 15 (I am not sure of the criteria used) the details of the trip unraveled with heated but genteel discussions on the likely courses to play over the long Madaraka Day weekend over four days as well as the bets to be in place and the winning percentages – 40%, 30%, 20% and 10% comprising sides and overall.

The group comprising mostly of Limuru Club members included the young in age, the young at heart and the silent but deadly. Tipplers were well represented, infact in the majority, with a scattering of teetotalers for good measure. The final decision was to play at Kitale Club on the Saturday, Nandi Bears Club on the Sunday and finally Kericho Club on the Monday before making our way back to Nairobi. It was also agreed that if we could all somehow manage to leave in our shared transport early enough, we would try and squeeze in 9 holes at Eldoret Club on the Friday that we were departing.

So the big day with the attendant excitement finally arrived. Sadly one of the participants had to cancel at the last minute on account of ill health otherwise it was a full house of 12. We were using common transport, a 15 seater bus and were leaving from Limuru Club at 7.00 am in retrospect an ungodly hour since it is at least a 30 minute drive from Nairobi where most of the group stays meaning a 6.30 am departure time from home. We were finally able to leave by 8.30 am with two of the group planning to catch up with us in Eldoret later in the day by their own means. It looked like we would in fact be able to make it in time to play 9 holes in Eldoret.

And we did make it to Eldoret by 2.30 pm after a smooth ride despite a few commercial and toilet breaks on a great road all the way from Nairobi. The last time I used the route was two years ago when the section between Salgaa and Eldoret was under construction and very slow going on account of the muddy by pass roads and the slow moving trucks. This time it was smooth sailing all the way!

The Great Rift Valley areas of Burnt Forest to Eldoret sped by in all its splendor and immaculate in its greenery being the rainy season and it was difficult to imagine that this had been a scene straight out of a horror movie after the post-election violence of early 2008 and the attendant murder and displacement of hundreds of innocents in an orgy of arson and decapitations.

Having arrived in Eldoret hungry but cognizant of the lateness of the hour we decided to take to the course and then order for a late lunch/early dinner as we turned at the nine hole break – it was decided that we play the whole 18 holes – and then head to Kitale in time for bed. Eldoret Club is a very well appointed family themed club and with a picturesque 9 hole golf course with beautiful vegetation and exquisite flora and fauna – snakes included as we watched a grass snake slither its way on No. 1 green! It is also bisected by the Sosian River across several holes, a raging torrent in the wet weather and a magnet for errant golf balls as some of the group found out the hard way. The course is also interspersed with drainage ditches to carry any rain water after a heavy downpour into the river so various hazards await the new and nervous golfer. It also has accommodation cottages which we learnt are very popular over the weekend with out of town guests from reciprocating clubs around the country.

After our golf game, a relaxing shower, some drinks over light banter and sharing of the bet money and dinner we finally left for Kitale Club at 10.00 pm to cover the 65 kilometers section of our trip where we arrived at 11.30 pm in time to catch up on the tail end of a party in honor of visiting golfers for a tournament the next day. Having checked into our well appointed rooms, those with the strength and determination to do so went back to the club house to continue with their merrymaking as the very few clever ones decided to call it a night while the die hards went to a nearby local lounge bar for a night on the town.

Our Kitale Club tee off times had been agreed in advance and were on the official draw and the first four ball was to commence play at 10.30 am. Little did we know what awaited the majority of us that had never played Kitale golf course before, the dreaded ‘dongas’. Had we known of these evil monsters lying in wait for us we would all have slept earlier ready to tackle these beasts while in a fresh state of mind. A ‘donga’ is a deep natural depression in the earth that over years has been formed through erosion by running water as it finds its way to the nearest river to empty itself. It becomes a natural hazard where you lose a stroke (or two) should your ball find its way in there with many of us falling victim to these beasts.

To add insult to injury, the fairways are quite narrow and lined with a thick forest and bushes where god knows what lurks so being on the fairway particularly on the first nine is a must though easier said than done. Also the par 5’s………all six of them are long and difficult and a torment to those who are not long hitters as are some of the par 3’s where a driver is required but is no guarantee that you’ll even make the green. Kitale is a golf course not for the faint hearted but is full of green riverine trees and bushes and verdant flowers reminiscent of a tropical forest all against the juxtaposition of Mt. Elgon silhouetted in the distance!

Part two of this amazing weekend shall follow shortly………….!!

Lessons learnt from my amazing round of golf:

I am now playing my golf of handicap 6 thanks to a famous victory one fine Saturday afternoon at Limuru Country Club in the Standard County Golf Series where I emerged overall winner out of a field of almost 200 golfers. My photo recieving the winner's trophy even appeared in the local dailies as a factual confirmation that I had done it and the many congratulatory messages both from my golfing and non golfing friends suggested that they were mighty proud of my achievements!!

Non golfers stop right here as the jargon is about to flow fast and furious!! Every year I assign myself a handicap target to achieve in my golf. The lower the handicap you want to play off the more difficult it is to attain that target because you need to spend more time on the chipping green and putting green simply because the sharper your short game around and on the greens is the easier it shall be for you to score points, play better and avoid expensive mistakes……………something that all golfers are well aware off!!

However many golfers do not assign themselves an annual handicap target so they go on playing tournaments and friendlies hoping to shoot a good score and play a great round and somehow reduce their handicap by sheer luck which is mostly a fallacy since if you need to get somewhere you need to set yourself a target and then consciously work towards achieving that target. Many golfers also go straight from the changing room to the tee and do not warn up or do any practice which is a big disservice to their golf game………and handicap.

My handicap target for the year 2015 is a modest 5 handicap (down from 7 handicap at the start of the year) which is quite achievable given that many of my scores while playing of handicap 7 have been mainly within my buffer zone of 34 stable ford points or 74 stroke play points hence my handicap did not vary much for over a year within handicap 7 or 8. My analysis of my game made me realise that playing two handicaps better was well within my reach and all I needed to do was find out where my mistakes were and correct them.

So on that amazing Saturday, having studied and analyzed my game and having figured out where I was going wrong and determined to prove that I was right in my analysis, I shot an amazing 13 pars, 1 birdie and 4 bogies for an amazing 75 gross points and 40 stable ford points with a 1st nine of an excellent gross level par score and three dropped shots on the 2nd nine. As someone commented, if it were a professional tournament I would have qualified for the second round based on my score of +3!!

Common mistakes amateur golfers often make thus retarding their ability to reduce their handicaps include too much body and foot movement during the swing, over or under clubbing, taking your eyes off the ball, cutting your swing particularly when chipping, using too much strength, the wrong grip and posture, the wrong attitude, using the wrong length of clubs for your height, opening the club face on the strike etc. As they say, "golf ne thwingi"
!!
My mistake was somewhere within that general mix of mistakes that I have mentioned above. However, details are not important given that everyone has a unique style of swinging, putting and yes even temperament and they are the only ones who can accept and correct their mistakes so as to improve on their handicap.

While I am happy with my achievement during such a big tournament, I still have a ways to go to get to handicap 5 (my actual handicap is 6.2) and I need another big win of 40 stable ford points or better (or 68 gross or better on stroke play) to achieve this which is not impossible, after all I have shot a round of 42 last year off handicap 8 and emerged overall winner in another big tournament having dropped only two shots in the process.

So that was that and I look forward to accomplishing my amateur golfing handicap target of 5 for the year 2015 as golfing to me is a way of life and an important source of exercise and a healthy lifestyle and needs to be given the respect that it deserves.

The people you team up with in your four ball also play a big role in sharpening your golf game when you are playing well so kudos go to the guys (you know yourselves) who played with me on that Saturday because they were supportive of my efforts, did not offer unnecessary criticism or advise and let me get on with my game and at my pace even when I fumbled on those three strokes on account of nerves!!

As for the non golfers who choose to read to the end.....poleni sana if I lost you somewhere along the way, but you had been warned!!!Just decide to take to the course and see what all the excitement is about golf and you'll be hooked.

Cheating Death

A few weeks ago I almost went to keep my maker company, which tells me that I shall live to a ripe old age as I have always intended to. It all began like all incidences innocently enough!

Tired after a hard day’s work during which I had skipped lunch on account of the amount of work I had to push through my desk that day, I stumbled home more hungry than tired. It was one of those days where my house help doesn’t visit so no dinner had been prepared. So it was me to prepare my dinner this evening or have a date with my maker on account of starvation.

Now one of the lesser known skills that I possess is that I am a great cook particularly anything meat related and I constantly experiment with all kinds of ingredients and condiments both fresh and packaged. I have even told my colleagues at work that one of the reasons that I don’t invite them over for a meal is that once they taste my cooking they shall seek permanent refuge in my house to the chagrin and annoyance of their husbands, boyfriends, wives and girlfriends!

Today I had some pork chops that I was going to dry fry in a frying pan with onions, tomatoes, dhania and other secret ingredients (every chef has a secret recipe only known to them) and then add a dash of soy sauce at the last minute for the darkening of the meat and as a final flavoring. No “pilau Njeri” or that goulash so loved by my tribes’ mates comprising potatoes, meat, peas, carrots, cabbage and boiled maize thank you! All went according to plan and half an hour later I sat down to feast on a delicious dinner of pork chops and pasta.

Soon sated and the dishes cleaned I decided to retire to my sanctum sanctorum (which doubles up as my bedroom, my study and my TV room) to catch up on some reading and watch TV but not before filing the now blackened (soy sauce does that) frying pan with water and then leaving it on the stove to heat up so as to make the job of washing it up later easier after all the goo had dissolved in the hot water. Half an hour later I smelt something strange in the air but dismissed it as probably a neighbors cooking. A few minutes later I noticed smoke in my sanctorum only to realise that the cause must be the long forgotten frying pan warming on the stove.

Rushing into the kitchen I almost passed out due to the thick smoke emitted by the now dried our frying pan making visibility in the kitchen almost nil whereupon I stumbled blindly to the kitchen windows which I threw wide open as well as opened the backdoor for the smoke to dissipate after which I went and put off the stove and rescued the now useless frying pan whose non-stick bottom had melted and was the source of this thick clearly carbon laden smoke.

By now this carbonaceous smoke had spread to the rest of the house mainly to my bedroom which is next to the kitchen and so I had no choice but to also open all the doors and windows in the house to try and get some flow of air circulating to push out this deadly toxin of smoke that now permeated most of the house. Strangely in all this drama none of my neighbors appeared any the wiser to my misadventures that night which I can only conclude was due to the fact that I never panicked and did not start screaming wildly. Two hours later with all the smoke now cleared from the house, the possibility of asphyxiating in my sleep only a lingering thought and all back to normal save for a lingering smell of something burnt………...and the frying pan relegated to the outside verandah to be trashed the next day I went to bed.

Now, imagine for a moment that I had fallen asleep before I had realized that I had left something heating on the stove, there would have been only two outcomes, death by carbon monoxide poisoning or death from being burnt alive had the frying pan then heated up to an extent that it triggered a chain reaction of an exploding gas cylinder with the attendant mayhem.

The grim reaper came calling that day and my date with my maker would have been sealed save for the good luck that caused me to stay awake long enough to realise that all was not well!

Expect me to be around for a long, long time folks……!

In the nick of time:

Recently I have come to the realization that I got out in the nick of time! I got out in the nick of time from Nairobi due to my being posted to Nyeri early last year because it is apparent that things traffic wise have deteriorated quickly into what may be called a mini crisis of sorts in Nairobi our capital city which has been my working environment for many years.

People, of whom I am a witness as I leave Nairobi for Nyeri at 5.30 am on Monday morning, now routinely, leave home as early as 4.00 am so as to avoid the perennial traffic jams plaguing all the roads into the capital city. It is better after all to get to work early and then read your newspaper in the car or office then cool your heels in a traffic jam for two hours. Having been called to Nairobi for a series of meetings some weeks ago, it took me a good 1 ½ hours to my chagrin to cover a distance of 12 kilometers to my meeting a period which would ordinarily see me at Karatina at 7.00 am on Monday morning.

Things in Nairobi must be (as we used to say back in the day) ‘elephant’ because the decision by the county government to team up with the Central government recently to come up with strategies to unlock the gridlocks on the capitals roads and tame the day long traffic jams in Nairobi was long overdue in coming. At this rate it’s no wonder that all negative things associated with slow moving traffic like snatch and grab attacks by thugs either walking or on boda bodas is on the rise as are incidences of traffic policemen out to make a quick buck pouncing on unsuspecting motorists who have failed to buckle up (does one need to buckle up in 30kmph traffic?), are transacting business or are explaining to someone on their mobile phones why they are late for that all important meeting.

I am not entirely sure that the initiative to remove the five roundabouts along Uhuru Highway shall have the needed results given that past initiatives including installing traffic lights and CCTV cameras don’t seem to have worked at all in alleviating even a small amount of the problem. Millions have been spent on worthless initiatives that have resulted in zero progress. It would make more sense if the by passes were completed faster and then the heavy commercial vehicles rumbling along our highways would be forced to use these routes and decongest the traffic along Uhuru Highway which has to some extent been achieved along Thika Road during off peak hours.

But then again save for my wife and daughters and my brothers and their families who live in traffic choked Nairobi, I have little sympathy to the whining and cursing I see on the various social media forums by those inconvenienced Nairobians because “rudini counties” is my rallying call going forward!!

In memory of those killed in the Garissa University attack.......!!

This couldn't be happening!! I had posted on my Facebook page about 70 innocent lives having been lost in a massacre in a University in Garissa as reported on the 7.00 pm news. Barely 2 hours later, the death toll had risen to a staggering 147 so far.

This massacre of 147 innocents at Garissa University could have happened at any of our universities, colleges or schools spread across Kenya. As a father of a university student I am shocked to the core that so many young, aspiring, bright Kenyans have lost their lives so needlessly.

We shall never know how many of those killed so callously would have turned into brilliant surgeons, engineers, economists, accountants, bankers, designers and so on their dreams shattered and no more through a cowardly bullet or a suicide bombers vest.

Today I dedicate this blog to those innocent students and others who have lost their lives in Garissa and I reproduce comments by my friends as they condole with those who have been bereaved.

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We need to pray.... Go down on our knees and pray for our beloved country Kenya. Our hearts weep for the needless loss of innocent lives.... 147 lives snuffed out, and for what?? My son asked that we pray for God to not let those "bad men" come to Nairobi... and when we said our prayers he was specific "God, please do not let those bad men come to our school or to Nairobi"...

I wanted to curl up into a small ball and weep for my country, but I know there is more power when we are on our knees. When we stand in the gap on behalf of our land.... let us come together and pray even as we mourn with those who have been affected by this vicious act... let us pray for our leadership, our president and his deputy, and our armed forces as they come out in defence of our country. Let us pray that God would grant them wisdom, and equip them with every good thing that they need to fight this monster called terrorism, to defend us.

For those who have lost their loved ones, that God would grant them grace, peace and comfort during this time. That the souls of those who were slain would rest in eternal peace.

And let us pray for ourselves, for the wisdom to know that our security starts with us, that we can make a difference when we take responsibility for our security, and the grace to take up that responsibility without excuses. Kenya is you and me.... let us light a candle for the 147....
-Annie Kirumba, Nairobi, Kenya

'Lord as I watch and enjoy this sunset I pray for the families in Kenya that have been affected by the attack at Garissa Univ and ask for A PEACE that passes all understanding!!! Amen!'
-Katuu Mwanzia Alleyne, Barbados

Today we lost 147 innocent Kenyan Citizens mostly students.May Wahe Guru rest their souls in peace. May He protect us and console the families of the hurt and departed. POLE CRY MY BELOVED COUNTRY CRY.Then rise in unity
- Rajesh Mahan

He will swallow up death forever! The Sovereign LORD will wipe away all tears. He will remove forever all insults and mockery against his land and people. The LORD has spoken! (Isaiah 25:8 NLT. Dear Lord, on this sad and distressful day, this is our Prayer. Come to our rescue and protect us from evil men and evil spirits. In Jesus name, Amen.
- Sam Atandi

So many senseless deaths in the Garissa massacre in eastern Kenya - hatred can never be justified as a belief system... Violence dehumises the perpetrator more than it does the [innocent] victim
- Mugendi K M'Riitha, Cape Town

With my colleagues we came to console our colleague xxxxxxxxx who lost her daughter.
-Snr. Njeri Mungai

1. If you must share images of blood and bodies do not tag me and do not share with me using any platform ‪#‎OneKenya‬

2. My sincere condolences to all those who lost loved ones as they sought a better future for themselves and Society #OneKenya

3. Let the Police Recruits report to college. Sometimes, a Nation must choose to be progressive & reject unnecessary pauses #OneKenya

4.There was a major improvement in the coordination of rescue efforts today #OneKenya

5. To those who survived and got injuries, to you I offer a sincere prayer and best wishes for a speedy recovery #OneKenya

6. To You, (you representing each of us), my challenge is that you heed the timeless call to respond to Terror with courage, unshakable resolve & optimism,do not flinch #OneKenya

7. Finally, O God Of All Creation, Bless This Land and Nation #OneKenya
-Dennis Itumbi

Numb. Just numb
-Waruguru Wa Kiai

Day 1 of Bible verse challenge. May the Lord watch over our country Kenya
-Jackie Kitulu

147 dead!!! I condemn this al shabaab terrorists! Shame on you!! Why attack unarmed children? YOU ARE COWARDS AND DESERVE TO DIE EXTREMELY PAINFUL DEATHS ‪#‎GarrisaAttack‬
-Margie Syekonyo

God help us! Garissa Siege. 147 confirmed dead. Too painful to bear. God Almighty come to our rescue. This is tragic and a big loss to this Nation.
-KNUT, Nyeri

No one was meant to die this way....very sad indeed....
-Tejinder Rihal

May their souls find peace n salvation .
-Jessica Pattni

As we remember the Garissa massacre by these cowards may we be more vigilant n lrt nobody put a wedge btwn Xtians n Muslims in Kenya.
-Karungo Njoroge

It's a sad day in Kenya. 147 young people have been robbed of their precious lives. ‪#‎GarissaAttack‬ ‪#‎PrayForKenya‬ http://t.co/r8eRlRY7Oi
-Isaac Kalua

A very sad day for Kenya. Garissa University siege ends and the death toll rises to 147 people. May their souls rest in eternal peace and may the Almighty grant those poor families all the strength they need to come to terms with this horrific, heinous, criminal and wholly barbaric act of terrorism. Our condolences and prayers go out to all affected
~ Alliance Reallty

Condolences to the families who lost loved ones..
-Margaret Muthio Mbaluka

Today I weep for our beloved country, and for the unborn child. May the Most High have mercy on us, as we mourn the senseless massacre of innocent lives in Garissa.
-Larry Kimani

Day 20... As we pray for Kenya let's stand on this verse
2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.
-Njeri Muturi

Have a Blessed Easter. May God grant us peace even as we pray for and mourn with our Kenyan families in Garissa
-Mugo Gath

My heart goes out to the families of our children in Garissa. Jehova take over this situation.....In prayer...very sad indeed!
-Ndutz Flo

They will Never Win! Together in grief
-Gatonye Mukami

147 lives lost, I am stunned and lost for words! My heart goes out to all those who lost their loved ones and wish the injured a speedy recovery. A sad day indeed for Kenya.
-Ali Mwangola

Praying for Kenya. Praying for world peace.
For those who lost their lives in Garissa, may your souls rest in eternal peace.
And for your families and friends, may the Lord comfort you.
Terrorism needs to end already!
-Eva Kubai, USA

More than double the Westgate toll and 223 still missing. It's a sombre start to Easter. I agree with the President's order, however illegal, to get on with the police recruitment. He must also dramatically upscale the resources available. Including offensive air cover, (giving the IG control over KWS helicopters is a start but even KWS often has to hire private choppers, a sign that they are not well resourced). When will you save your people? O Lord of mercy, when?
-Joe Gichuki

In the middle of this tranquility and peace that I find myself in, let me take a moment to condole with the families of the victims of the brutal and cowardly attack on ‪#‎GarissaUniversity‬. May God grant you peace and understanding.
-Munene Patrick Mathenge

Oh My God.. 147 lives lost in the ‪#‎GarissaAttack‬.. My heart in pain... God see us through.. And giv my president courage to keep leading from the fore front.. And together we shall conquer... Peace Peace Peace....
-Ngatia Thuku

Worse than West gate.
My friend says "The hue and cry will be negligible though....Garissa is not Westgate".
I pray & cry now as I did then.
Amen. Amen.
-Caroline Mutoko

Its deja vu all over again.Yet more senseless killing of innocent people. Prayers for our country!!!
-Mary Angela Mwangi McCorkle, Atlanta

Very tragic
-Rosemary Wainaina

Woi.... Pole sana to my fellow beloved Kenyans.
-Lillian Covington,Chicago

Very sad indeed. Innocent lives have been lost. Sad day for Kenya.
-Moses Karanu

Tragic
-David Mambo

Dangerous trend
-Fred Odhiambo

Shocked beyond comprehension.
-Nicholus Mureithi


As my heart grieves with the families who have lost their loved ones united in grief over this tragedy, may these prayers together with those of the other millons of people across the world grant us the peace our country so desparately needs AMEN!

So racial discrimination is alive and well in Kenya:

Why am I not shaking in righteous indignation now that discrimination has been exposed as alive and kicking in uptown Chinese restaurants in Nairobi? Why am I not livid about this kick in the groin by people that we have welcomed into our country that have then branded us as possible Al Qaeda operatives hell bent on sending them and their Chinese, Mzungu and Asian diners to an early grave? How many other Africans have suffered the indignity of being turned away by a guard with the now infamous phrase that “waafrika hawakubaliwi hapa baada ya saa kumi na moja”?

Well the writing is now well and truly on the wall that the same people whom we have accommodated as friends in our country are slowly turning against us, and it had to take a couple of journalistic types to expose the shenanigans of our Chinese guests running this restaurant who seem to have grown too big for their britches and are now openly threatening and discriminating against you and me!

A few months ago 50 or so Chinese citizens were arrested in the upmarket Runda area and accused of operating an illegal communication system (as an aside, is that case still alive?) that was not licensed by the competent licensing authority. Now we have come to learn that this discriminatory Chinese Restaurant also had not renewed its license since 2011. Is there a connection here? Methinks that this is just a tip of the iceberg and a scandal of epic proportions is brewing in regards to the Chinese people that we have so willingly allowed into our country to build our roads, homes, hotels and railways while engaging in restaurant and hotel businesses dotted in many of our large towns and cities across the country.

If two incidences of unlicensed operations have been unearthed so close together how many more such cases are out there with the licensing authorities blissfully unaware that they are businesses operating illegally or fully aware that they are unlicensed businesses owned and operated by immigrants in the country thanks to a handsome bribe to look away. It is also highly possible that these unlicensed businesses could be fronts for other nefarious activities because why would a legitimate business refuse to pay a paltry annual license fee of Kshs. 45,000.00 when they expect an African to spend a minimum of Kshs. 20,000.00 before they can be admitted into the hallowed guest list to be admitted into the restaurant after 5.00 pm. Who, pray, is protecting these chaps? I stand to be corrected but it is likely that if they pay no license fees, they also pay no taxes be they VAT, Corporation, NSSF, PAYE, NHIF etc for themselves or their staff members. These foreigners could also be illegally working and running businesses in this country for all I know!!

What is the way forward given that this is a glaring security threat for this country when you allow foreigners to run, own and manage businesses without any seeming audit process in place to ensure that they respect the rules and laws that govern the operations of their businesses?

Let us start by scrutinizing the immigration records of these chaps because there must be some record of how the person came into the country, what type of visa he had and how long his intended stay was likely to be. If there is no record he is here illegaly so throw him out of the country. Then go on to the business records of the outfits that they own and manage.

Have they met the minimum threshold for investment by foreigners in the country? How were they licensed and do their businesses have an element of local shareholding as prescribed under the investment rules? Have the foreign directors been properly vetted and cleared by the CID as genuine investors and do they have the correct paperwork to support their continued stay in the country? Do they have business permits and licenses from the authorities to run the type of businesses that they own and manage? Do they pay taxes regularly as well as other levies and statutory payments required under various laws and statutes in the country?

This scrutiny also needs to be extended to those other beach hotels at the Coast that we time and again read about as being discriminative in their handling of locals seeking to visit their businesses because despite the ‘management reserves the right of admission’ signs plastered all over the place discrimination should not be on grounds of race, sex, gender or creed!
Renewal of licenses for foreigner owned business should be even more thorough than those owned by locals so that they also be required to provide compliance certificates from the tax authorities, NHIF, NSSF and others when applying for license renewals to confirm that they are unto date on all their returns and taxes because were they to pack up and go back to their countries without meeting their obligations then the country and its citizens would be the losers.

And while at it is there a hotline that I can call if I have been discriminated against because I am sure that this practice of discrimination against Kenyans of African descent as well as other Africans living in Kenya happens at very many other restaurants, hotels and other establishments in Kenya but remains unreported because no one know which authority to turn to for seeking redress!

The Chinese seem to be the culprits in this case but I can bet that other races also practice some form of racial discrimination in their businesses albeit in a more subtle way having been in Kenya longer and they are as guilty as the Chinese are naïve in the current scenario and should not be allowed to continue with this nonsense anymore!!