I survived a dance with disaster:

Several years ago a local MP’s car somewhere in Yatta in current day Machakos County was swept away by a raging river as he attempted to make his way home one stormy and tempestuous night. All the occupants of the vehicle perished in that unfortunate incident with the mangled wreckage of the car being discovered several kilometers downstream the next morning.

Recently a similar calamity almost befell me and my wife one stormy night as we struggled to get home in Nairobi. Apparently due to a three hour continual and heavy downpour and with the storm water drainage unable to cope with the barrage of rain water and the culverts blocking due to the debris floated by the rains had caused the drainage to burst its banks and the resultant flooding covered the entire road. This has happened many times in the past with the water on the same road barely being 4 inches or so at the worst time that I remember.

Today however it was worse, far worse than I would have imagined. Having committed to crossing that flood that had inundated the road I ventured on into the darkness sure that it could not be more than 6 inches deep and therefore an easy crossing for a 4 wheel drive Subaru Forester vehicle!

I soon realized that the water was getting deeper and deeper with every forward motion of the vehicle. Soon it was almost covering the headlights of the vehicle at least a foot of flood water a bow wave preceding our forward momentum and the lights flickering with what I was sure was an electrical fault though it turned out to be the water lapping at the bottom of the headlights effectively blocking some of its glow. Almost in a panic I thought of all the social media articles on how to react in such a situation and the options available to me which were:

1. Stop and reverse and look for an alternative route home a sure way to stall the engine.
2. Charge the engine and gain speed to exit as quickly as possible another sure way to stall the engine due to the large bow wave and water getting into the engine compartment rapidly or
3. Continue at the same pace and hopefully cross that section of the road without stalling the engine but with a constant prayer on your lips looking to the almighty for his mercies.

I chose the final option and soon we were safely but barely out of the flooded section and home nervously laughing about our narrow escape and possible disastrous consequences.

I learnt several things that day that thankfully the water was partially stagnant and not rapidly flowing ensuring that the current did not float the vehicle and force it to veer off course and into the ditch. The other fear was that the flood waters may have cut of a part of the road which we could not see in the flood and darkness and hence we would be stuck on the road should this be the case.

Would I ever assume for a moment in future about the depth of a flooded section of the road in pitch darkness? I am not sure for now because ones instinct to get home is often so strong that you conveniently ignore any signs that there may be trouble lurking on the way more so when you are so close to your goal as we were that rainy night.

Even more intriguing was the fact that the door seals of the vehicle held firmly and no water seeped into the passenger compartment of the vehicle and importantly there appeared to be no engine damage either given that the engine turned over easily the next morning. That's kudos to Subaru's sturdy and well built vehicles.

By the time I was passing through the same section the next morning, the waters still had not receded and looking at the lake of water it was sobering that we had made it home in one piece and with the vehicles engine intact. I had dodged that bullet and there was there was no way I was going to subject myself to the same stress as the previous night so I used a different route to get to my destination.

With the ongoing rains and the possibility of running into a flooded section of the road here is a link to guide you on what to do in such an emergency.

http://smartdriving.co.uk/Driving/Driving_emergencies/Floods.htm

Be safe and vigilant.

The angry voices:

The angry voices startled me out of my reverie as I read my newspaper. It was the two ‘mzungu’ ladies that I had passed by, sticking out like sore thumbs in the gloom of the restaurant if for nothing else the bottles of Smirnoff Black Ice in front of them. They could have been students, tourists or missionaries in town for whatever reason but Smirnoff Black Ice at 1.30 pm just didn’t look right.

The reason for my piqued interest was simple. They were arguing with a waiter that it had taken two hours since ordering their lunch and there was still no sign of it. The waiter was imploring them to stay a few minutes longer and that the pizza oven was broken hence the reason for the delay. Their logical argument which I assume holds water in whatever country they come from was that if they were to wait any longer they were not going to pay full price for a meal that had taken two hours! They went on to argue that had someone taken the trouble to inform them beforehand that the pizza oven was broken they would have weighed their options and made an informed decision.

Now my interest was really piqued. They had mentioned pizza and I had ordered mine 20 minutes earlier and by my calculation it should have been ready by now. The waiter having seemingly exhausted his English vocabulary silently slunk away from the scene to be replaced a few minutes later by a chef in all his glory – top hat, rolled up sleeves and a towel tucked into his waist and all - who began a conversation with the ladies intent on convincing them to stay for lunch.

By now I was worried. How long would my pizza take I wondered silently and miserably. Was I going to be treated to one of those lousy services offered in many established restaurants in Nyeri town yet again? This after all was not just any restaurant but one of the better ones in town but with an unfortunate reputation for having very poor waiter service whether you are alone or in a group. It was also buy one get on free day on pizza but the crush of people you would expect on such an auspicious occasion was lacking thanks mightily and no doubt to the deplorable service levels at this hotel.

One thing I never understand is how a hotel can invest so much money in the CAPEX required to construct a hotel then fail spectacularly to offer services to the patrons of the hotel who meet the costs of managing and running the establishment. What loss of value to shareholders does such shoddy service do and importantly what does it say about the owners and managers of such a hotel?

How much does it cost to simply tell a customer that you expect some delay due to circumstances beyond your control and if they’d mind waiting? As a customer I believe that I am a rational and sane guy who just wants to be served professionally and with some decorum and basic decency. While I am not the yard stick by which tolerance can be measured as I tend to get quite antsy when forced to wait for a decent meal, it costs the establishment nothing by informing the client about any possible delays.

This reminds me of an episode a few years back where one of the leading Pizza eateries in Nairobi promised a free pizza if the delivery time from ordering your food to it being placed on the table took longer than 15 minutes. There was definitely something wrong on this particular day because my order took almost 20 minutes to be delivered. When I demanded a refund of my money based on the service promises, excuses became the order of the day that their pizza oven had broken down and hence the reason for the delay in service. I looked at the fine print in their info graphic and nowhere did it say “unless the pizza oven is broken” or any such disclaimer to deny me my rights. They even went to the extent of telling me that one of them would have to meet the cost of the pizza if I chose not to pay whereupon I retorted that it was not me choosing whether to pay or not but I was simply holding them to account for the delivery promise that THEY had made. I eventually got a refund but after all kinds of smiley faces came to my table to implore me to do the right thing and just pay for my pizza!

This time around there was no word on the delivery time for my pizza but it took almost 45 minutes to deliver to me by which time I had even stood up and was demanding to pay for the soft drink that I had consumed and forgetting about the food which had been preceded by my waiter approaching me to change my pizza order to one that was already ready – that the ‘mzungus’ had abandoned no doubt – which I flatly refused to accept. Mine had to be meaty and hot and the ‘mzungus’ pizza did not have any such meaty ingredients!!

My final plea to hoteliers is that a hungry man is an angry man particularly around lunch time so don’t keep them waiting longer than necessary!!

Do you love your nuts?

This post is intended for men only. It is a diatribe on manly, masculine stuff which is likely to raise the freckles on the pretty faces of sensitive ladies so ladies stop reading now or forever hold your peace!

"April is testicular cancer month" said the solemn sounding voice on the radio. "Finally something positive on radio other than politics" I thought to myself right before "Who comes up with these theme months anyway?"

The voice went on to appeal to men to self-check themselves for signs of testicular cancer while showering or just relaxing. "Just relaxing" I thought to myself, "Why has this voice decided to tell the whole world what we men do while just relaxing"?

Good grief is nothing ever sacrosanct in life anymore! What men chose to do or not to do in their spare relaxed time should be sacred to men. Now the secret is out for the women and children now know what we do when relaxed, we feel our nuts!!

I finally saw the info graphics about how to check for this killer condition in men going around on social media and everything swiftly fell into place! http://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=OIP.M6f40b9e097e6920bd723ebb425dbd5e0o0&w=300&h=135&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0&r=0 (it's not this link though as I couldn't find it!!)

I am sure the thought has crossed the minds of many women why that peculiar habit arose from. It's from a feeling of relaxation and contentment something many men can clearly relate to but not our women folk who wonder why the urge to reach down there also known as the family jewels department came from.

We do not feel ourselves down there in the family jewels department just for the heck of it, and certainly not when stressed simply because there is no satisfaction with doing this when the body is in fight or flight mode. Unlike footballers who have to protect their nether regions when confronted with a whizzing goal bound ball which is a stressful situation as you can discern with their halfhearted attempts to ward of a nuts bound ball, the rest of us men thankfully don’t suffer from that occupational hazard.

The importance of this area can only be explained by the story of the suicide bomber out to blow himself up recently who was arrested before he could accomplish his dastardly mission only to be discovered to have been wearing a piece of metal around his private parts supposedly to protect himself from the effects of the explosion so as to enjoy his time with the virgins waiting for him in the hereafter!!

And now we men now have an even better excuse when called to account for our 'dirty' action of reaching unconsciously down there when in relaxation mode that you're checking for signs of testicular cancer! Thanks to the voice on the radio you have all the reason to continue what you have been doing through the ages with the added reason that you do it for love not wishing to consign your wife to widowhood when you all along had the tools to check for early signs of testicular cancer right in your hands…..literally!!

Have a meaningful and cancer free month my fellow men and feel on as you continue loving your nuts!

And for those ladies that yet again refused to heed to my warnings………..and I see you there in the corner chortling away, now you know but never ask your men what they are doing idling in the family jewels department!!

I didn’t know what a drip tray was:

I get home early one Monday morning after a weekend in Nairobi with my family. There is this awful smell coming from somewhere in the house. It’s not over powering but it smells like something small has died and is putrefying. Or perhaps the house help who comes on Saturday to wash my clothes and clean the house in my absence may have switched off the fridge and now the meat has gone bad, I think to myself.

So I drop my stuff…..stuff here meaning my dirty laundry and the special lactose free milk that I can’t get in Nyeri and which my wife bought for me to bring to Nyeri. I am lactose intolerant and can’t digest regular milk so it’s the Kshs. 130.00 per half liter bottle for me of Bio, but I digress!!

I look in the fridge, and sniff about like one of those wolves I see on National Geographic channel as it sniffs the air for goodies, but nothing. That smell isn’t coming from inside the fridge which thankfully is switched on and my meat is nowhere near rancid. It can’t be my dirty laundry either as it was in the car with me or I would have noticed. For good measure I take an extra strong whiff of it confirming that it’s just the regular dirty laundry and correct manly smells!!

I look through the rest of the kitchen and house and other than what appears to be some liquid in a container bolted to the back of the fridge I can’t seem to find anything out of the ordinary. So I open the windows, spray some air freshener and after a shower off I go to perform my nation building duties!

Fast forward to evening! I have just come from the kinyozi and I am feeling well coiffed, itchy beard gone and hair looking smooth and lustrous…………..and jet black!! I feel and look 10 years younger. That smell is still there, pervasive and funky as ever and the house help is also at home. She has washed the dirty clothes and is cleaning the house and cooking my Monday evening dinner the leftovers of which I’ll have for Tuesday afternoon lunch or dinner depending on my mood.

She has also noticed the smell but can’t quite figure it out. She thinks it’s the container of liquid that I noticed in the morning but we can be sure because it’s hidden out of sight and you can’t even drain it properly. We conclude that the pallet that the fridge came on could have been stained by some liquids following a defrosting exercise a week ago and it probably just needs airing for the smell to clear. So we lift up the fridge, remove the pallet and she takes it outside the house to clear up the smell.

But this smell just won’t go away and I can’t think of what I’d say to any visitor that may come calling, though it’s unusual for me to get visitors anyway but who knows, someone could just visit me after the smell no longer bothers me and leave with a very poor impression about my personal hygiene habits!

So down on all fours I go to peer closely at this liquid thingy and using the corner of one of the kitchen towels try and drain the liquid. It is now crystal clear that this is the cause of the stench because the minute that towel soaks up that liquid the smell overwhelms. That this is the source of my problems is now clear!!

A closer look reveals that the container which I later find out is called a drip tray has been screwed onto the fridge with two small nuts which I promptly unscrew, gingerly lift the tray and empty the stinking brown contents into the toilet……….together with one of the screws that makes an audible splash as it disappears from view into the murky waters!!

But I can’t return the tray with only one screw and I don’t know where I can get a screw at this time of the night so like any clever chap and against my better judgement I have no choice but to reach in and pick up that screw which thankfully is still at the bottom of the toilet bowl after which I quickly flush away the remaining muck ensuring that it becomes someone else’s problem.

I then rinse of the drip tray, dry it off and then reattach it to its correct position and after a through wash of my hands with anti-bacterial soap and some apple cider vinegar thrown in just to be sure, I have solved my problem and there is no longer a malodorous odor in the house.

So next time you get a stench in your house whose source you can’t trace you have learnt from the expert that the drip tray on your fridge could be your source of woe and that’s how I found out what a drip tray was!!

My pretty neighbor:

She smiled at me this morning and waved at me shyly through the window and it made my morning and I can't stop thinking about her the whole day!! But let me start from the beginning because like many stories already written and yet others still unwritten, this is a love at first sight tale.

I live in an apartment complex of 12 units on three floors. One of my neighbors is a real looker, a cutie pie as one of my brothers would describe her, and though I don’t see her many times, the few times that I do my heart skips a beat. As she passes close to me on those few occasions that our paths crisscross I can’t help but look admiringly and longingly at her. She is shy and bashful and there is always a hint of a smile playing on her pretty face.

She reminds me very much of others who have been in my life in the not too distant past in her innocence and pureness, unsullied as yet by the difficulties of life and seemingly ignorant of the rat race scurrying around her. Wherever I see her, strains of Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t she lovely” belt out stereophonically and loudly through my head as I wonder where she has been all my life. I shouldn’t be having these thoughts because I am old enough to be her father, her grandfather perhaps god dammit! But I can’t help myself.

The other day she talked to me! This pretty face actually shyly looked me over and asked me a question and my knees buckled. Why me, me of all the neighbors in all the complexes in Nyeri, why did she choose me to have a brief conversation with or was it my lucky day or was this perhaps just a cunning plan to entrap me?

She was almost surreptitious in her approach to a conversation, unsure of whether I’d respond to her request. But it had happened because she needed my help; she needed my help to assist in a rather difficult and delicate task for her to retrieve something that had been dropped over a fence. The God's of fate had smiled down on me and put me in this envious situation .

You see she is not cut out for climbing over fences and gates and so on but I would do it in a heartbeat, in a jiffy even……and I did soaring over that fence almost as it wasn’t there. Carl Lewis that champion hurdler of yesteryear would have been proud of me. And after all, ladies should never ruin their trousers on account of such things when a gentleman is around!!

She had dropped something, a ball actually, and she needed it to be picked up and for her to go back home. I guess it is possible to accidentally drop something and then be unable to retrieve it hence asking a kindly passerby to do the gentlemanly thing and I happened to be that gentleman who was at the right place and at the right time………or maybe she was baiting me looking out for me to exit my house and then dropping something at that opportune time so that she could strike up a conversation with me, I will never know!

Suffice is to say that I was happy to have been of assistance and if I had been a puppy I would have been wagging my tail furiously a million times a minute secure in the knowledge that I had been of assistance however brief and fleeting it had been to this angel.

So who is this amazing human being, a little girl who can’t be more than 2 years old that lives in my complex but who has an amazing command of English in a grown up sort of way. I don't believe that I was as confident back in teh day as the three and four year olds I see nowadays loaded down with books (as I would imagine) in their back packs confidently believing all that their teachers tell them.

This little girl reminds me of my own daughters all those years ago just starting off in their journey through life innocent and pure in their thoughts and actions. One of them was so precocious and adventurous when young that she almost got lost at Heathrow Airport as we waited for our connecting flight as we proceeded on a family vacation, her older sister being less adventurous firmly seated next to me despite my entreaties to look our for her little sister. That's why I feel weak in the knees when I see these young ones and marvel at what comes out of the mouth of these babes and boys.

Enjoy your kids while they are young because soon they will fly the coop and become independent and free then you'll wonder where time went!!

Short insight - What is the fuss all about?

The hullabaloo about the NYS scandal is too noisy and unnecessary. You see, I came to the conclusion many years ago that the human being is the only animal capable of infinite harm to its own kind and these things don’t shock me anymore. Those mentioned in this unfolding scandal are doing nothing more than confirming what I have known all along.

That people can choose to enrich themselves by over invoicing on essential drugs that would benefit scores of children, or being paid for delivery of non-existent goods and services is not news anymore because this is what has been happening in Kenya for many years with barely a yawn from the gate keepers who are paid to see that these things don't happen as those entrusted with public funds continue to pillage and line their pockets at will.

The Kabura affidavit that has exposed the corruption that goes on in high places in Kenya is to me just a tip of the iceberg and the stuff that is under water (given the iceberg analogy) and the corrupt schemes that have been perpetrated by various senior government officials over the years would put this small Waiguru scheme where only Kshs. 791 Million (or Kshs. 1.6 Billion depending on who you are talking to) to shame.

I wonder whether other similarly walking wounded having been used and then dumped in the dustbin of obscurity will now come out to pen their own affidavits exposing corruption in high places. I wonder how many more of those involved in past corruption practices are now seeking divine intervention so that their filthy issues are not exposed. I wonder whether there is any blackmail going on even as I pen this post from those threatening to expose their puppet masters and finally I wonder if there shall be any mysterious deaths on some whistle blowers who know too much and must therefore be consigned to their makers before they spill the beans!!

The “Cow Syndrome”

A Chinese story is told of a wise man that after many weeks of travel hungry, thirsty and running out of supplies came across a very poor farmer and his wife and son who offered him and his assistant some food to eat, water to drink and a place to spend the night. The farmer and his family were very poor and their clothes were well worn and had seen better days while the house was of the poorest quality, with a leaky roof, was poorly constructed and clearly the farmer despite having a large tract of land was struggling financially his only source of income the money that he and his family got from selling milk to their neighbors from their one solitary cow.

The next day as the wise man set off on his journey he turned to his assistant and told him to lead the cow out of the farm and push it off a nearby cliff to its certain death. Questioning the wisdom of his master for instructing him to lead the only income generating asset that the poor farmer had to its death after his generosity in sharing the little that he and his family had he nonetheless went ahead and did his masters bidding and off they went on their merry way the assistant with a heavy heart for surely they had condemned the farmer and his family to a pitiful life.

Many years later the wise man and his faithful assistant happened to pass by the same area and instead of a poor shack they found a beautiful and magnificent house, well-tended fields with a variety of food crops and a well-stocked granary and gleaming farm machines in the barn and the garage all looked after by a retinue of workers and servants. The farmer and his family were clothed in shiny clothes and looked prosperous and well fed. The wise man introduced himself to the farmer and asked him the source of his wealth whereupon he told him of a wise man whom he had accommodated in his home many years ago but that had repaid him by pushing his cow off a cliff to its death and how that had been his only income generating asset for him and his family.

He went on to explain that after the loss of his cow he struggled financially as he had no other source of income and decided to start farming on his piece of land to at least feed himself and his family. In the process he realized that they would grow more than they could consume and so they began diversfying the food that they grew selling some of their produce to their neighbors and soon they were suppliers to hotels and other businesses in the area. The act of that wise man in pushing the cow of the cliff had grown his wealth into what it was today he explained and if that cow were still alive he would still have been selling the milk and his life would not have improved at all!! The” cow syndrome” was consigning the farmer to a life of penury while he thought that it was his source of livelihood.

Today I came across such a person that has shed off the “cow syndrome”. It was a lady, let’s call her Joyce, whom we had extended a loan facility to increase her residential units so as to supplement with rent her income from her job at a nearby school as well as her poultry business. However as is wont to happen and despite the best of intentions, Joyce’s tenants moved out en-mass for whatever reason, her chickens were afflicted by a mysterious disease and died and suddenly she was unable to meet the loan instalments she had committed to pay monthly. In the process her telephone was stolen and unable to get a replacement she remained unreachable.

The situation rapidly went downhill and unable to contact Joyce as her loans were now in arrears we went in search of her at her home where by my colleagues were directed to her place of work at the nearby school where they were able to talk to her and understand her predicament and agree on a course of action in regards to the repayment of her facilities.

It would appear that there was a storm already brewing in regards to Joyce’s future at her place of employment because as she mentioned to me she was thereafter sacked by the school management with no notice for the grievous crime of being visited by CID officers (my colleagues) and was not accorded the right to tell her side of the story and be heard as is required under HR practices and the law!

The unfairness or otherwise of her sacking or indeed the flimsy reason for her joblessness is not the topic I am discussing here because if she so wishes she may pursue her tormentors through the acceptable legal processes to get redress. As she mentions to me this was the turning point in her life because Joyce has crossed the Rubicon, her cow had been pushed off a cliff and she is now a much happier and contented person then when she was in employment and my offer to help her with a letter to the school administration so as to get her job back explaining that my colleagues were not CID officers has been firmly but politely rejected.

Her employer had shackled her to her desk for 16 years and she had very little time (as anyone in formal employment shall attest) to engage in other activities to improve her livelihood and now that she is free she has found a new lease of life, looks more contented and happy and has even been able to engage in some focused income generating activities that has allowed her to catch up on her loan repayments and looks forward to a more prosperous life in future. Life now looks rosy!!

My colleagues drove her cow off a cliff and she is now thankful for the opportunity this has given her in revealing a hitherto hidden new lease of life!! So push your cow off the cliff and see what will emerge if you are fed up with your current cow…….you’ll never know unless you try!!