The “Cow Syndrome”

A Chinese story is told of a wise man that after many weeks of travel hungry, thirsty and running out of supplies came across a very poor farmer and his wife and son who offered him and his assistant some food to eat, water to drink and a place to spend the night. The farmer and his family were very poor and their clothes were well worn and had seen better days while the house was of the poorest quality, with a leaky roof, was poorly constructed and clearly the farmer despite having a large tract of land was struggling financially his only source of income the money that he and his family got from selling milk to their neighbors from their one solitary cow.

The next day as the wise man set off on his journey he turned to his assistant and told him to lead the cow out of the farm and push it off a nearby cliff to its certain death. Questioning the wisdom of his master for instructing him to lead the only income generating asset that the poor farmer had to its death after his generosity in sharing the little that he and his family had he nonetheless went ahead and did his masters bidding and off they went on their merry way the assistant with a heavy heart for surely they had condemned the farmer and his family to a pitiful life.

Many years later the wise man and his faithful assistant happened to pass by the same area and instead of a poor shack they found a beautiful and magnificent house, well-tended fields with a variety of food crops and a well-stocked granary and gleaming farm machines in the barn and the garage all looked after by a retinue of workers and servants. The farmer and his family were clothed in shiny clothes and looked prosperous and well fed. The wise man introduced himself to the farmer and asked him the source of his wealth whereupon he told him of a wise man whom he had accommodated in his home many years ago but that had repaid him by pushing his cow off a cliff to its death and how that had been his only income generating asset for him and his family.

He went on to explain that after the loss of his cow he struggled financially as he had no other source of income and decided to start farming on his piece of land to at least feed himself and his family. In the process he realized that they would grow more than they could consume and so they began diversfying the food that they grew selling some of their produce to their neighbors and soon they were suppliers to hotels and other businesses in the area. The act of that wise man in pushing the cow of the cliff had grown his wealth into what it was today he explained and if that cow were still alive he would still have been selling the milk and his life would not have improved at all!! The” cow syndrome” was consigning the farmer to a life of penury while he thought that it was his source of livelihood.

Today I came across such a person that has shed off the “cow syndrome”. It was a lady, let’s call her Joyce, whom we had extended a loan facility to increase her residential units so as to supplement with rent her income from her job at a nearby school as well as her poultry business. However as is wont to happen and despite the best of intentions, Joyce’s tenants moved out en-mass for whatever reason, her chickens were afflicted by a mysterious disease and died and suddenly she was unable to meet the loan instalments she had committed to pay monthly. In the process her telephone was stolen and unable to get a replacement she remained unreachable.

The situation rapidly went downhill and unable to contact Joyce as her loans were now in arrears we went in search of her at her home where by my colleagues were directed to her place of work at the nearby school where they were able to talk to her and understand her predicament and agree on a course of action in regards to the repayment of her facilities.

It would appear that there was a storm already brewing in regards to Joyce’s future at her place of employment because as she mentioned to me she was thereafter sacked by the school management with no notice for the grievous crime of being visited by CID officers (my colleagues) and was not accorded the right to tell her side of the story and be heard as is required under HR practices and the law!

The unfairness or otherwise of her sacking or indeed the flimsy reason for her joblessness is not the topic I am discussing here because if she so wishes she may pursue her tormentors through the acceptable legal processes to get redress. As she mentions to me this was the turning point in her life because Joyce has crossed the Rubicon, her cow had been pushed off a cliff and she is now a much happier and contented person then when she was in employment and my offer to help her with a letter to the school administration so as to get her job back explaining that my colleagues were not CID officers has been firmly but politely rejected.

Her employer had shackled her to her desk for 16 years and she had very little time (as anyone in formal employment shall attest) to engage in other activities to improve her livelihood and now that she is free she has found a new lease of life, looks more contented and happy and has even been able to engage in some focused income generating activities that has allowed her to catch up on her loan repayments and looks forward to a more prosperous life in future. Life now looks rosy!!

My colleagues drove her cow off a cliff and she is now thankful for the opportunity this has given her in revealing a hitherto hidden new lease of life!! So push your cow off the cliff and see what will emerge if you are fed up with your current cow…….you’ll never know unless you try!!

How my year has kicked off:

Today is Day 62. It has been 62 days since I had a drink after I took a decision that I needed a detox period from booze. Over the years I have talked about it but this time I decided to just do it, cold turkey, without any fanfare and without consulting anyone or making those pacts that I see other making that if caught drinking anything alcoholic it’s a 10K fine!

It’s difficult to give all the gory details so let’s just say that I was an occasional drinker and mainly on weekends so it wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be though for the first three weeks I craved the taste of beer – my favorite tipple – until I discovered a beer with 0% alcohol called Bavaria that became my favorite drink. It has all the effects of any other beer except that you don’t get the buzz. You pee just as you would and it tastes pretty much the same as any other beer but has no other effect and it was kind of strange, but I persisted and today I don’t even feel like I need the taste of beer.

What I also discovered was non-alcoholic wine though why they call it wine is beyond me as it is just sparkling juice and too sweet at that. I also discovered that many pubs do not cater for the non-alcoholic drinker save for a soft drink, juice, water and tea so many times I would find myself having a soft drink or a juice if I found myself at a pub. Even the humble mocktail (a cocktail minus the alcohol) in some pubs and bars are unavailable and it seems that the non-alcoholic imbiber is neither recognized nor welcome at many joints. It made me feel like my vegetarian friends who are terribly shortchanged in many restaurants in Kenya by the absence of a variety of vegetarian fare!

While the choice to begin my fast was accidental it could not have come at a better time when the temptation is highest and invitations to all kinds of functions where drinks flow in abundance is at an all-time high during the Christmas and New Year festivities! When Lucifer is tempting you and your conscience refuses to falter to his entreaties then you know that you can soldier on and even my colleagues during the end of year party and the family reunion on Christmas Day couldn’t believe that I was not imbibing!

There are obvious and myriad advantages to not drinking that I have come to appreciate. I recall things much more easily now thanks to a clearer head unclouded by the fog of that fifth beer. I had a great difficulty remembering names and faces but this has improved over the last two months. My appetite has never been better than it has been over the past 60 odd days and I don’t miss a single meal. My sleep pattern is also great and I either sleep dreamlessly or have sweet dreams of positive things in life unlike the nightmares of old where I’d wake up in a cold sweat. My spouse however now complains that I sleep too early so I guess you can't please everyone!!

That is how I started the year 2016 that is already three weeks old and my initial timeline was to take a three month sabbatical from alcohol and reassess the situation thereafter so I still have another 31 days or so to go. I am not sure what I’ll do when my sabbatical is over and I shall take that decision when necessary to do so.

For now I am a teetotaler and loving it. I can’t quite seem to understand how people stay up until late at night imbibing on their favorite tipple and generally seeming to have a good time. You can only drink so many soft drinks, Bavarias or juices after all so I don’t have the urge to stay up later than I should making small talk as I struggle to stay awake!

So for the time being if you offer me a drink, don’t be shocked if my choice is not what you expect as there is a time and a place for everything. And for those of my friends, who have embraced this detox from alcohol thingy, hang in there and don’t listen to the naysayers who will tempt you with an alcoholic drink of your choice no matter the cost. If I can do it so can you!

And before I forget Happy New Year to all of you!!

Short insight - Where not to eat in Nyeri when hungry:

I had half an hour to spare as my vehicle was being serviced at a garage in a local petrol station, so I popped into a nearby hotel as I browsed my newspaper for some lunch. This hotel is one of the oldest in Nyeri and has an excellent location in a commercial/business area so the expectation is that it should always have a sizeable crowd in the restaurant. But today I was alone and this should have alerted me that something was amiss.

So I take my seat and ask for the special of the day that was advertised on the board at the entrance to the hotel. It’s my favorite pork and chips and I figure that being the special of the day it should take very little time to prepare and I should be in and out in 20 minutes tops. As I wait I ask for a soft drink which I sip on in anticipation of a sumptuous meal soon.

After 10 minutes, a threesome arrives for lunch and takes their seats at a table and now we are four patrons. “Poor guys” I think to myself “do they know how long it will take to get served in this place?” It has now been 20 minutes after all and there is no sign of my meal and I am alone so surely for three people it shall take double or even triple the amount of time it shall take to get my meal to the table.

I continue reading my newspaper, the hunger pangs biting and I looking anxiously at my watch wondering what’s taking so long but secure in the knowledge that I shall be out of there before the threesome has even started on their meal. Finally I see the waitress who is serving me appear with a jug and a bowl to wash my hands – a uniquely Kenyan tradition even if the meal requires no use of the hands - and the hunger pangs now nip even more brutally. It has now been 30 minutes since I showed up!

I don’t believe what I am seeing though as she goes straight to the table of three not even acknowledging my presence and proceeds to wash their hands. “Perhaps” I think to myself “I am next!” but alas done with the threesome she troops off to wherever they go when hiding from customers and returns with the utensils to help the Johnnie-come-lately’s enjoy their meal. A few minutes later she comes out laden with three plates of food and proceeds to serve the threesome. It is now 40 minutes since I took my seat.

Now all pretensions of being a gentleman are gone and I hiss at her (why do we do that?) to come to my table and I can see that she is quite uncomfortable because she knows that I am hungry and possibly upset because of the length of time it has taken not to serve me and in addition a threesome who came after me has been served before me.

I tell her that I can’t wait any longer for my meal as I am busy and I need to pay for my soft drink expecting her to apologize and try to hurry up the order, but she is either clueless on to how to handle an angry customer or more likely has no training in managing the situation that she finds herself in at present. I promptly pay for my soft drink, walk to the garage, collect my vehicle and go to the office where I sit licking my wounds the hunger pangs still gnawing away but too upset to think of eating even as I write about this nasty experience.

That folks is my experience at the recently refurbished Central Hotel in Nyeri. The hotel has been recently taken over by a tenant – the second in the past year – and they still can’t seem to get it right! The outside sitting area on a sunny day is the perfect place to have a leisurely meal as you catch up on the news but the atrocious service standards and lack of clientele seems to suggest a lackadaisical approach to customer service.

You’d expect that an upmarket restaurant in a town where upmarket restaurants are few and far between would be falling over itself to attract the local business and office crowd but alas this is not the first time I am experiencing mediocre service at the place the first time being about two months ago when the management changed hands and they went around town distributing vouchers for free lunches to introduce the hotel to the masses! On that day the food took about 20 minutes to arrive and some of the accompaniments were cold and the presentation barely exciting to any of my nerve endings.

So you have been warned, avoid that place like the plague and if you know the guys managing the place tell them that they need to shape up on their service because hungry people don’t like to wait for their food for any length of time beyond 10 minutes. As for me they have lost my custom however little it was contributing to their bottom line.

I’m done with lunch today and shall have an early dinner at home instead but that experience has left a nasty taste in my mouth pun fully intended!!

Short insight – Why you should lend your own money

So you want to help that brother, cousin, friend etc who is struggling financially? Then do it with your own money………..not bank’s money!

Recently I came across an incident on the above lines. It appears that one of the bank clients Paul (not his real name) obtained a loan to purchase a vehicle on behalf of someone else. It is likely that this someone else, let’s call him Jamlick, could not qualify on his own name either because he has no bank account or more likely he has been adversely listed on Credit Reference Bureau (CRB) for being a defaulter and his bank declined his loan application.

Jamlick, having probably approached other financiers who were similarly reluctant to lend him the required amount on account of his CRB listing, it is likely that he then approached his brother, cousin, friend Paul to borrow on his behalf with a side arrangement where Jamlick would be depositing money in Paul’s account to cover loan repayments. Paul having had a good track record and not having been listed as a defaulter on CRB had no problem obtaining an asset finance loan from the bank.

This arrangement seems to have worked quite well until Jamlick defaulted on his commitment and the account is now in arrears. Naturally the party known to the bank is Paul whom we duly followed up and it is only after several follow up calls where he makes several unfulfilled promises to deposit money to cover the overdue instalments no doubt while pleading with Jamlick to do the honorable thing and settle his obligation that he reveals that the vehicle is being used by a friend elsewhere. He now requests the bank to arrange for repossession of the vehicle (that is in arrears anyway) as his friend has reneged on the arrangement that they had made!

If at this point you expect me to feel sorry for Jamlick’s predicament then you’re wrong because he is just a damned idiot! Here’s the reason why!!

From the outset and in the normal course of business between friends this is an arrangement that I am sure happens out there without any issues so long as both the parties adhere to their informal agreements. Whether the borrower gets any other benefit for his name to be used I am not sure but suffice is to say that very few business people would lend their names for free!

It is also almost certain that the initial deposit for the vehicle and insurance premium required and any other incidental expenses have been paid from Jamlick’s pocket and he now feels a sense of entitlement in the ownership of the vehicle because after all isn’t he the one that has been making the loan repayments to date and has he not met the earlier financial obligations towards purchasing the vehicle?

To cut a long story short, right now Paul’s reputation and financial credibility is at stake as the legitimate borrower with the bank and may find himself listed with CRB if the loan remains in arrears. The law also recognizes him as the legal owner of the vehicle given that it is him name on the log book albeit jointly with the bank and as such hiding under the cloak of having assisted someone is neither here nor there. The bank expects the loan to be serviced regularly and it is in Paul's best interest to settle the outstanding obligation and then pursue Jamlick separately to pay him back what he has paid to the bank!

Any side arrangement whether verbal or in writing with a 3rd party are therefore not recognized under any law and it is Paul who is likely to suffer the consequences of his misguided but well intentioned actions.

He should therefore have lent his own money and not involved the bank in his tomfoolery and he is therefore a damn idiot!!

Are banks complicit in corruption?

This corruption thing shall be the bane of many some of whom may not even be immediately obvious which I shall try to explain.

Politicians, state officers, civil servants and business people have all been fingered in the ongoing investigations on high level corruption in Kenya now declared a national tragedy because it takes two to tango – the giver and the receiver. As direct beneficiaries of this vice that is the way it should be.

Wanton theft of public funds and endemic corruption has been going on for many years and has made front page headlines not only within our plentiful borders but even beyond even as President Magufuli next door in Tanzania seems to have made driving the corruption cartels out of town by whatever means possible his only agenda so far in his infancy presidency. If only some of that fresh breeze blowing across Tanzania would waft into Kenya!

However, I fear that some banks will be found guilty and complicit in the ongoing corruption in high places investigations for many reasons. Banks are required under prudential guidelines to have in place a KYC (know your customer) policy requiring them to, in addition to being able to positively and correctly identify their prospective clients, also interrogate the source of funds that a person wishing to open an account shall be depositing. This requirement is not only for individual clients but business and corporate clients too.

Heavy financial penalties are prescribed for those banks which do not file their monitoring reports as required by the law for what may be termed suspicious transactions which is basically transactions that do not fit into the defined profile of their clients. This has happened recently in other jurisdictions outside Kenya with heavy fines being meted out on various banks within the last 12 months.

Where a transaction is out of the ordinary for a particular client, then the bank is under obligation to insist on documents in support of the underlying transaction to ascertain its origin and veracity and allow that transaction to be recorded in their books or else red flag the transaction as a suspicious transaction but still record the transaction in their books but with an accompanying freeze notification preventing the funds from leaving the banks books for the time being until the bank is satisfied that the funds have been genuinely received in the ordinary course of business or personal engagements. This means that one is required to declare their sources of income at the time of opening an account and the bank is then required to monitor the transactions in that account to see if the information given by their client in regards to their expected financial transactions tallies.

All these extraordinary measures are designed to prevent money laundering of ill-gotten funds and financing of terrorism activities. Monitoring software is now available to assist banks manage this difficult function which has also evolved into full fledged departments whose job is managing this potential risk that may even lead to the withdrawal of their banking license as well as the freezing of their overseas correspondent bank accounts that all banks require to conduct their foreign currency transactions on their own behalf as well as on behelf of their clients.It is therefore incumbent that all banks scrupulously follow the laid down procedures to prevent a catastrophic loss of confidence and business occasioned by the negative publicity of their dangerous business practices as custodians of the public wealth.

All banks in this country are also required as part of the internal due diligence to flag certain categories of persons who may be especially susceptible to activities that may border on corruption or money laundering so that the activities on their accounts are monitored more closely for possible infringements. These people are commonly known as P.E.P’s. In financial regulation, "politically exposed person" (P.E.P) is a term describing someone who has been entrusted with a prominent public function, or a relative or known associate of that person. A P.E.P generally presents a higher risk for potential involvement in bribery and corruption by virtue of their position and the influence that they may hold which brings me to the point why banks may be unwitting (or willing) accomplices of the corrupt and therefore complicit in the ongoing investigations!

In one of the recent cases, the son of a high ranking political figure was the custodian of hundreds of millions of shillings deposited through his bank account which sums a 21 year old would usually not have access to. Being a relative of a prominent public figure the son would also be deemed a P.E.P and therefore be subject to the same high level of monitoring required of P.E.P’s and the bank in this case may have failed in the test of know your customer and therefore be guilty of an offence.

It also follows that should the individuals and businesses currently being investigated be found guilty of corruption by a competent authority, then the banks where these individuals and companies maintain their bank accounts would also be enjoined in the whole mess as being guilty of handling the proceeds of crime and therefore likely to suffer punitive and hefty financial penalties or other administrative sanctions by the licensing authorities and their overseas correspondent banks for their transgressions. This again has happened in other jurisdictions where a person is found guilty of engaging in corrupt practices by a court of law and the bank is thereafter fined for being guilty of not reporting the suspicious transactions. Howvere, where a bank may have filed the suspicious transaction report then the bank is absolved of any blame in future should other forces come into play to reactivate a frozen account whose source of funds was the proceeds of crime.

So you see folks it is not only those directly caught with their hands in the cookie jar that are in trouble under the current circumstances but also those that handled the proceeds of the corruptly obtained funds through their banks and failed to follow the regulations required in making their suspicious transactions reports. I foresee a situation in the not too distant future where heads in certain banks will roll as a direct result of not reporting suspicious transactions which in hindsight stunk to high heaven!!

As a footnote and in answer to my question are banks complicit in corruption, the answer is a resounding YES if they failed to follow the laid down regulations because there is no defense for willful disregard for the rules as the Barings Bank collapse in 1995 reminds us. I would hate to be in the monitoring department of any bank today because the onus of deciding what may or may not construe a suspicious transaction is a difficult and onerous task though prudent banks would always want to err on the side of caution because the consequences of not complying are just too dire!!

Short insight - On the forthcoming FKF elections:

I am not sure what television debates are supposed to accomplish. Recently there was one on a leading TV station that paraded some people vying for the presidency of Football Kenya Federation (FKF) whose elections are slated for this coming weekend. A leading FKF presidential candidate was absent and being the incumbent that has faced a barrage of criticism recently over a seemingly lackadaisical attitude towards the national team the Harambee Stars whenever they are called up for national duty, this was an eye brow raising moment!

The delegates from the various branches of FKF across the country are the only ones that shall be voting in these upcoming elections and this therefore begs the question why the debate had to be televised on live national TV while less than 100 people shall participate in the actual election while the rest of us sit back in blissful ignorance until the results are announced.

Against a backdrop of a mediocre performance by the national team, an ongoing blame game about who is responsible for the mess in Kenyan football and allegations of corruption at high levels in matters football you would have expected that the incumbent would be present to vocally defend his tenure and provide some insights into how he shall manage the football affairs of this country if he were to be voted into his second term of office. His absence however is thought provoking given that he is a seasoned politician who many love to hate for his shenanigans and well known machinations leaving him perennially ahead of the pack to the chagrin of all.

Perhaps he decided that he has no time for a debate with his opponents where skeletons would be exposed to the public, or a pressing matter requiring his personal involvement suddenly and inconveniently came up or maybe he has a trick or two up his sleeve that he needed to use while his opponents were holed up in a debate at Nation Centre studios. We shall probably never know!!

I am not sure if the platform given to the FKF candidates via a live TV debate shall sway any votes their way because knowing the voting psyche in Kenya today, the highest bidder always carries the day and it won’t surprise me if the guy that was absent at the debate recently carries the day!

What is a golf handicap?

It always amuses me when a non-golfer asks what my handicap is because I can tell that they have no clue about what this seemingly complicated animal is. I will attempt to explain in as simple terms as I can and in a “golf handicap explained for dummies” kind of way!

A handicap in amateur golf terms is a numerical representation of the skill of an individual golfer. It is a number assigned between 28 - 0 for men and 36 - 0 for women with the lower number (or handicap for the sake of this discussion) indicating the better skill level of that golfer. It could also be said that a handicap allows golfers to make mistakes equivalent to their handicaps. It has nothing to do with hands or caps!!

A regular round of golf involves getting around the golf course in 72 strokes (or level par) though some courses could be rated as 71 or in extreme cases upto 74 as a handicap 0 or scratch golfer. A handicap essentially levels the playing field between the various skill levels of different golfers. What that means by illustration is that in the case of a man just starting out in golf and with an assigned handicap of 28, he is allowed to hit an extra 28 strokes on the same par 72 course i.e 100 strokes to play to his handicap. A person playing off handicap 10 would similarly be allowed to play a maximum of 82 strokes to play to his handicap. The strokes made less the handicap of that golfer would indicate the score for that round of golf. The person playing off handicap 0 and returning a score of 72 strokes and the handicap 28 guy returning a score of 100 strokes have both played the same score!!

Similarly, a lady just starting off in their golf career would start off at handicap 36 and hence is allowed to make 108 strokes to play to their handicap being the difference between the strokes played less the handicap assigned in this case 108-36=72.

You may be wondering how in all fairness someone playing off handicap 36 and one playing off handicap 6 can both play to their handicap when one has shot 108 and the other 78 a difference of 30 strokes (the number of times one hits a ball)………and that folks is what a handicap does, it levels the playing field so that a beginner and a relatively good golfer can play on the same course and compete quite well against each other!!

Depending on the golfers skill level it is sometimes possible to play better than your handicap and this is when things start to get interesting.

In the example above of a handicap 36 golfer playing 108 strokes and therefore playing to her handicap let us assume that she played a total of 102 strokes how would the computation look like? Like in the previous example if you subtract the strokes from the handicap in this case 102-36=66. If you then subtract the expected score to play to your handicap of 72 from the net score of 66 that you have played i.e 72-66=6 then this player has played 6 strokes better than their handicap and has thus improved their golfing skills and need to have their handicap adjusted/reduced accordingly.

The next question on your mind is probably then how does on reduce their handicap over time? I will not go into the complicated process as to how points are assigned depending on how well you played better than your handicap but I shall give an analogy that the better you play below your handicap the quicker your handicap reduces which is akin to being promoted to the next class in primary school after passing a test or an exam. In the above example the lady has passed the test and shall be promoted to the next class vide a handicap reduction and should be playing off handicap 26 the next time they play a round of golf.

If you are really good at golf and get in lots of practice, take lessons from a competent professional, invest in reading or watching videos on golf etc the process of handicap reduction can be quite quick but for the vast majority of mostly weekend golfers this process is a slow and agonizing plod and a very tiresome endeavor. By the same token a handicap can increase if you continually return poor scores upto the maximum assigned for both genders of 28 & 36 respectively.

Professional golfers like the ones you see on TV play off handicap 0 (or scratch) and their skill levels when they are in top form are such that they regularly play below their handicaps. These tournaments are played over a 4 day period with the first two days designed to reduce the ‘cut’ or number of players (usually between 72 and 80 players) who then go into the money rounds over the last two days.

The better you play at professional level and the lower your score the better your chances of ‘making the cut’ though sometimes the cut is at -1 (minus one) meaning that anyone who played to their handicap or worse is eliminated giving you an idea of just how talented these top professionals are. Scores of -20 (minus twenty) have been recorded many times as the winning scores in these tournaments over the four day period of play!

A handicap is a shining beacon of ones success on the golf course and the lower your handicap the higher the esteem, awe and regard you are held by fellow golfers. All golfers aspire to reduce their handicaps to single figures (between 9-0) but the reality is that many will never be single figure handicapped golfers for various reasons that I shall not delve into.

So the next time you ask me what my handicap is, I hope you will much better appreciate just how good a golfer I am when I tell you that I play off handicap 6……which I do!!