Is there any distinction between matatus and excrement?

I look at ‘matatus’ on our roads and get the feeling that they are not dissimilar to human (s*#t) excrement.

They come in all shapes and sizes like you know what! Some are large, some are small and many are medium sized. Others are long, while others are short and of an unidentified pedigree. Still others are well formed while others are misshapen and almost beyond identification.

They are like the proverbial loose stool on our roads, sliding in and out of traffic leaving a trail of havoc, destruction and chaos in their wake and a stink in the air and without caring to clean up after themselves.

Sometimes they just squat there waiting to be cleared by the cops especially after a “teeny weeny” fender bender with an innocent motorist, while at other times they diarrhea all over the place like an infant without diapers or a drunk after a potentially lethal dose of ‘kari kari’ in their haste to fill any nook and cranny on the roads as they overlook all the rules of the road to get to their destination.

At other times it is as if they have constipation, unable to go anywhere and blocking the flow of traffic while just sitting there stone faced acting as if they are invisible and immortal.

Other times they are just all talk and no action like a person with an upset stomach because of the wrong dose of fuel or oil, farting and making a hell of a lot of noise with no corresponding positive motion in any direction.

And what about the confusion wrought in the bus stage similar to an unflushed loo at one of the local pubs as each tries to outdo the other all shapes, colors and sizes intertwined as they release their innards of disembarking passengers while they fill up with those wishing to get home stinking up the whole place and all with the same desire to flow out of there as quickly as possible when done to add to the mess that they found.

Surely the analogy between these guys and what comes out of an anus is no different!

My counting obsession

Mathematics was never my favorite subject in school and neither did I perform very well in that subject but over the years mental arithmetics, I have discovered, keeps me sharp and in a good frame of mind. In my vocation as a banker numbers shall inevitably come up whether it be cash, interest rates, foreign exchange rates, fixed deposit rates, business targets etc. Because our lives have now become completely automation driven from cash counting, to calculations, to system posting to deposit and loan conversion tables, to foreign exchange monitoring, to shares trading etc fewer and fewer people now calculate their figures manually.In golf also you are always counting something from the number of strokes you have made to tallying up the final score for yourself and the person you are marking and how can I forget the bet money with the various permutations of computing bets!

While admittedly square roots, sine, cosine and tangents are all alien things that are irrelevant to the ordinary mortal I know that these are an important part of someone's day to day job but not for me!! Why someone had to force us to learn these equations is beyond me upto today but I am sure a good living is made by those with the predisposition for these things. I am however now mentally able to calculate the acres in a hectare, the square feet in square metres, the litres in a cubic foot, the yards in a metre, kilometers per hour in miles per hour, the miles per hour in kilometers per hour, the amount of dollars/pounds/euro in Kenya shillings and vice versa etc.

I have counted bumps on the Thika Highway between Nairobi & Nyeri and a bit of useless triva for whatever it is worth is that believe it or not there are over 100 bumps including those annoying rumble strips along that 141 kilometer road from Naivas on Thika Road to Nyeri Town. 24 of these bumps are between Skuta as you approach Nyeri town and my house on Baden Powell Road a distance of probably 6 kilometers. Whether these bumps add any longevity in years to the people of Nyeri or are just an inconvenient drag and fuel expense to motorists may never be know because no one is sure why they had to be so many bumps in the first place.

To keep myself awake as well as to ease off on the gas pedal on some of my journeys usually while alone, I often count the number of Toyota vehicles folowing each other in a single file (excluding trucks,buses and motor cycles) be they Prados, Proboxes, Hiluxes, Hiaces, Mark X's, Corolla's, Allexes, Allion's, Surf's, Caribs, Crowns, Mark II's etc. The most at any one count have been a staggering 35 proving that Kenya is indeed Toyota country followed a distant second by Nissan! In the heavy commercial category, Mercedes Actros seems to be the clear runaway leader based on my experiences along Mombasa Road where these behemoths rule the highways while in the delivery van category Mitsubishi takes the prize!!

So there you have it, a little useless trivia to use as you please for whatever it is worth from the number of bumps along the highway to Nyeri to the dominant numbers of vehicles in different categories on our roads!

This beautiful country called Kenya – A golfers perspective (Part 2):

We left for Nandi Bears later that evening after the presentation and dinner at Kitale Club. It is a distance of 130 kms through Eldoret and Kapsabet through tea country. It was night time so we didn’t see much though we went on partaking of our drinks along the way trading general insults and dirty stories that only men can do all through the journey until one by one we dozed off fitfully to awake on arrival in Nandi Bears Club at midnight greeted by cold highland weather and a bar full of members finalising their golfing event of the day at the 19th hole on conclusion of a big tournament earlier. The club has limited and quite rudimentary accommodation facilities so only 5 of us were to spend the night at the club with the majority spending the night at a hotel in the nearby Nandi Hills town.

The next morning we arose bright and early from a somewhat fitful sleep with accusations of some getting lost among the tea plantations when answering the call of nature and calling their wives to rescue them from the Nandi Bear when they couldn’t find their way back to the room while others clutching onto their roommates in a bid to ward off the cold thanks to the generous whiskey and beer bought by the appreciative members of the club who were aware of our arrival and had scheduled a casino game the next day. Breakfast behind us and our colleagues’ arrival at the club from the hotel another day of golf beckoned.

Nandi Bears Club is one of those clubs that is beyond description because one cannot do justice by describing it because seeing is truly believing! It is a beautiful club set atop a hill with the 9 hole golf course spread out around you and below you. The view across the Nandi Escarpment is breathtakingly beautiful across the green tea plantations as far as the eye can see. The golf course and surroundings are perpetually green on account of regular rain that falls in any tea growing region around the world. The designers of the course seem to have got it right first time and due to the hilly terrain you are mostly playing your ball above or below your feet which can be quite daunting if you are not used to it. The course has a lot of indigenous trees and bushes resplendent in their majestic canopies that sometimes overhang the golf course making a shot tricky but nonetheless the thick spongy grass makes it a joy to play on.

All the tee positions for the 1st and 2nd nines are placed differently giving you a different perspective to the course with the 5th and 16th holes leaving little margin for error on your tee shot because of the impossibly small window to thread your ball through. Despite the daily rain storm that last upto 30 minutes for which play was delayed as people took shelter in the little bandas scattered around the course, the majority managed to finish play on this delightful course. Presentation over, a late lunch partaken off and winnings shared out among the predominantly Nandi Bears winners and a drink from the captain we were on our way for the last lap of our four course golf weekend to Kericho Club via Kibos a predominantly sugar cane growing region in Kisumu County.

It seemed that we always left for our next destination in the late afternoon meaning that we never got to view the scenery of our beautiful country during the day and it was on this leg that it was suggested that on our next tour we would be leaving for our next destination in the early morning so as to get to see our country, get to the next club in the late morning and then play golf before going to bed and then leaving the next morning for our next club destination an idea that was supported by the majority on this tour.

We got to Kericho town at 10.00 pm after an uneventful drive and checked into our hotel rooms whereupon those wishing to do so were free to go to bed while the adventurous ones went out on the town for some night time sightseeing. The hotel where we were to spend the night is a family themed hotel on bed and breakfast basis and serves no alcoholic beverages. The management however has no objection to you partaking of the stuff in your room so long as you do not disturb the rest of the guests. It’s called Sunshine Hotel and is located along the main road and 3 minutes’ drive from Kericho Club our venue for our final day of golf. It has a great ambience, good rooms and reasonable prices and the food is also good.

The next morning having partaken of a hearty breakfast and our bags packed and loaded onto the bus we set off for Kericho Club with some choosing to walk the short distance to the club. Kericho Club is a beautiful 9 hole golf course and like all the clubs we had visited thus far is perennially green and located in two sections where you cross a busy tarmac road to get to the other side. It also has room facilities next to the main club house. A casino inclusive of lunch was on the cards and in progress on the day that we arrived and we decided to enter it in addition of our own bet.

Being right in the centre of Kericho town, the golf course abuts residential and commercial areas of town and can be quite noisy when compared to Eldoret, Kitale and Nandi Bears relative tranquility. In addition the out of bounds on the golf course is a distinct reality given the proximity to the adjacent tarmac road and the commercial and residential areas surrounding the course as mentioned.

The golf course itself is more or less of a flat topography but with some serious roughs and tree groves that can be hazardous to those unable to stay on the fairways. It is cleverly built with hidden greens and bunkers that you cannot see on your approach until you literally fall into one. During our visit they were in the process of changing their greens to bent grass greens and hence some of the holes were played on temporary greens.

The last hole – No.9 or No.18 – is the signature hole for the course and features a water hazard that must have been designed by a comic at heart because it faces the club house and therefore all shots onto the green if too crisp have the potential to send members scampering for cover. Naturally this means that many approach shots onto the green are played with caution inevitably ending up in the drink. A total of 7 balls from those in the tour found their way into this hazard with at least four being from the drop zone alongside the water hazard. So near yet so far was a euphemism that was to ring loud and true for some who dropped valuable shots on this hole!!

Kericho also rains a lot at about 3.00 pm and as the clock struck this hour it came down in buckets and this time for a good hour continuously and furiously with accompanying winds and thunder but luckily we had all finished our round of golf. We are told that they tend to start competitions early to avoid the daily dose of rain in the late afternoon though the well-drained soil tends to clear the puddles quite quickly. So having partaken of the late chemsha meal, showered, changed and with a drink in the system it was time to leave only to discover that there were some amongst us who had played a good round and were amongst the casino winners forcing up to wait for the cash to be dished out and delaying our departure to 5.00 pm or so.

Our weekend of golf was over just like that. It had been a huge success and had accomplished our objectives of playing at 4 different courses, getting to know one another, cementing lasting bonds of friendship and knowing hitherto unknown things about people. We tried to accomplish this by getting people within the group to play golf with others within the group, sharing accommodation facilities where necessary and with different people each night and having meals and a drink together. The laughter, the jibes, the swearing, cursing and insults were on the way back to Nairobi less restrained then on the way to Eldoret so comfortable had people become with one another and the writing was on the wall that (not if but when) we should do the trip again in future.

Our drivers on the trip were part of the group and had been excellent in the execution of the duties choosing to remain sober when it was their turn to drive the next day while the rest made utter fools of ourselves in the bus. The return trip though Sotik and Narok took us the better part of 5 hours to Limuru Club where elated we disembarked packed our stuff away in out cars, had dinner and then left for our respective homes exhausted but elated to have been part of the first Western Tour.

This beautiful country called Kenya – A golfers perspective (Part 1):

We have a beautiful country people, truly remarkable in all the sense of the word. From the rolling plains, to the awe inspiring mountains and hills, to the wonderful beaches of the coast and the rift valley lakes and mighty rivers flowing across our grassy landscapes, we have it all and then some.

To the ardent golfer it is a paradise waiting to be explored and with 40 plus golf courses scattered across the country you are well and truly spoilt for choice. As a by the way did you know that Kiambu county has the most golf courses in any county in Kenya? They are at least 8 in total so count them and prove me wrong!

We started this group called Western Tour a few months ago, Easter time to be precise. It was conceived by a quintet of four and was contrived as comprising a group of golfers of similar mindedness and as being an all-male extravaganza so that we get away with the shenanigans that man can only get away with without the raised eyebrow of a disapproving madam! The intention was to take advantage of one of the long weekends and see how many golf courses we would be able to play at in the Western parts of Kenya over that weekend where many in the group had never played before.

So thanks to social media a Whatsapp page was set up and with invites sent out to the lucky 15 (I am not sure of the criteria used) the details of the trip unraveled with heated but genteel discussions on the likely courses to play over the long Madaraka Day weekend over four days as well as the bets to be in place and the winning percentages – 40%, 30%, 20% and 10% comprising sides and overall.

The group comprising mostly of Limuru Club members included the young in age, the young at heart and the silent but deadly. Tipplers were well represented, infact in the majority, with a scattering of teetotalers for good measure. The final decision was to play at Kitale Club on the Saturday, Nandi Bears Club on the Sunday and finally Kericho Club on the Monday before making our way back to Nairobi. It was also agreed that if we could all somehow manage to leave in our shared transport early enough, we would try and squeeze in 9 holes at Eldoret Club on the Friday that we were departing.

So the big day with the attendant excitement finally arrived. Sadly one of the participants had to cancel at the last minute on account of ill health otherwise it was a full house of 12. We were using common transport, a 15 seater bus and were leaving from Limuru Club at 7.00 am in retrospect an ungodly hour since it is at least a 30 minute drive from Nairobi where most of the group stays meaning a 6.30 am departure time from home. We were finally able to leave by 8.30 am with two of the group planning to catch up with us in Eldoret later in the day by their own means. It looked like we would in fact be able to make it in time to play 9 holes in Eldoret.

And we did make it to Eldoret by 2.30 pm after a smooth ride despite a few commercial and toilet breaks on a great road all the way from Nairobi. The last time I used the route was two years ago when the section between Salgaa and Eldoret was under construction and very slow going on account of the muddy by pass roads and the slow moving trucks. This time it was smooth sailing all the way!

The Great Rift Valley areas of Burnt Forest to Eldoret sped by in all its splendor and immaculate in its greenery being the rainy season and it was difficult to imagine that this had been a scene straight out of a horror movie after the post-election violence of early 2008 and the attendant murder and displacement of hundreds of innocents in an orgy of arson and decapitations.

Having arrived in Eldoret hungry but cognizant of the lateness of the hour we decided to take to the course and then order for a late lunch/early dinner as we turned at the nine hole break – it was decided that we play the whole 18 holes – and then head to Kitale in time for bed. Eldoret Club is a very well appointed family themed club and with a picturesque 9 hole golf course with beautiful vegetation and exquisite flora and fauna – snakes included as we watched a grass snake slither its way on No. 1 green! It is also bisected by the Sosian River across several holes, a raging torrent in the wet weather and a magnet for errant golf balls as some of the group found out the hard way. The course is also interspersed with drainage ditches to carry any rain water after a heavy downpour into the river so various hazards await the new and nervous golfer. It also has accommodation cottages which we learnt are very popular over the weekend with out of town guests from reciprocating clubs around the country.

After our golf game, a relaxing shower, some drinks over light banter and sharing of the bet money and dinner we finally left for Kitale Club at 10.00 pm to cover the 65 kilometers section of our trip where we arrived at 11.30 pm in time to catch up on the tail end of a party in honor of visiting golfers for a tournament the next day. Having checked into our well appointed rooms, those with the strength and determination to do so went back to the club house to continue with their merrymaking as the very few clever ones decided to call it a night while the die hards went to a nearby local lounge bar for a night on the town.

Our Kitale Club tee off times had been agreed in advance and were on the official draw and the first four ball was to commence play at 10.30 am. Little did we know what awaited the majority of us that had never played Kitale golf course before, the dreaded ‘dongas’. Had we known of these evil monsters lying in wait for us we would all have slept earlier ready to tackle these beasts while in a fresh state of mind. A ‘donga’ is a deep natural depression in the earth that over years has been formed through erosion by running water as it finds its way to the nearest river to empty itself. It becomes a natural hazard where you lose a stroke (or two) should your ball find its way in there with many of us falling victim to these beasts.

To add insult to injury, the fairways are quite narrow and lined with a thick forest and bushes where god knows what lurks so being on the fairway particularly on the first nine is a must though easier said than done. Also the par 5’s………all six of them are long and difficult and a torment to those who are not long hitters as are some of the par 3’s where a driver is required but is no guarantee that you’ll even make the green. Kitale is a golf course not for the faint hearted but is full of green riverine trees and bushes and verdant flowers reminiscent of a tropical forest all against the juxtaposition of Mt. Elgon silhouetted in the distance!

Part two of this amazing weekend shall follow shortly………….!!