Where is this College of Idiocy located?

I am no psychologist but I have come to the rather cynical conclusion that matatu drivers and conductors in Kenya enrol, study and pass with flying colors from the same College of Idiocy and Infamy with a PHD in General Driving Indiscipline. It is very few who fail this course miserably but still manage to be employed as matatu drivers and conductors despite their unfailing good behavior displaying such alien traits in the industry that were not taught in college as the art of being well dressed, good road courtesy, general politeness, being well-spoken pays dividends and customer centricity leading them to forever being taunted by their more “educated” professional colleagues.

In this College of Idiocy & Infamy, they are taught how to generally behave as repulsively as possible and include subjects In GAB (generally annoying behavior) such as overtaking anywhere 101(brow of a hill/continuous yellow line/ corners etc), effective obstruction tactics, 1000 reasons why you should not bother with indicators and turn signals, rude gesturing perfection, the art of conning the vehicle owner, how NOT to maintain a vehicle, the art of blame shifting, ‘matusi’ 1-2-3, why body odor is a requirement of the job, how to run from the long arm of the law, bribery tactics, the dynamics of showing disinterest even if in the wrong, the arm dangle and what it means, being a road hog, bullying and blackmailing passengers, lying unashamedly and grasping money with three fingers.

It also includes advanced courses in total lane indiscipline, anywhere is a stage rules, how to overlap successfully as you annoy the most people at once, the scary rev to show you are in a hurry to leave, flashing headlights to oncoming traffic to show them who is boss even if you are in their lane, disabling speed governors, dealing with slow fare paying passengers, holding onto change as long as possible in the hope that it shall be forgotten, the ultimate gestures while driving at 100km/h to indicate trouble ahead and avoiding potholes is your right and to hell with everyone else.

More recently it has come to light that they are also undergoing night classes in consorting with criminal carjackers, how to bully (and if necessary beat up) a policeman, graffiti painting overnight, train evasion tactics and how to run away if things go wrong, the art of packing 12 passengers into the boot of a Probox, driving 12 hours straight without a break, the benefits of lewd and loud music and squad operations.

Now the syllabus is being taught to the piki piki (motor cycle) taxi guys who have also added topics such as speeding down the wrong side of the road against oncoming traffic at full speed, of what use is a safety helmet and the benefits of helmetless riding, maximum use of sidewalks to get to your destination, how to while away your time while in traction in a hospital and 76 ways to fall off a motor cycle.

But pray where exactly is this college located, because I have tried to locate its physical location not that I am interested in joining, but to burn it down and/or change the syllabus to something more relevant in this modern age where caveman like behavior is supposed to have become extinct with the dinosaurs and respect and dignity to your fellow countrymen is considered the basic indicator that we are human beings and not animals because frankly speaking some of the ‘tabias’ of these guys is so decidedly 19th Century!

Or am I jumping the gun here and blaming the blameless? Could it be that when one gets into a certain occupation/profession over time and despite your best efforts to retain your dignity and honor you are slowly and surely infected with the culture that controls and directs your thoughts and actions as you perform your duties? Is this perhaps also why a certain section of society while pleading for your votes will endear themselves to you then but become a total nuisance and uncontrollably greedy once elected and in office?

I must locate that college also and burn it down too!!

Being a public speaker:

One of my passions is public speaking which I got involved in quite by accident many years back. In the period since I took it up, I have had the opportunity to be the Master of Ceremonies (MC) at various functions both at family level, in my workplace as well as in a classroom environment. I have made power point presentations in a training and lecture room environment to hordes of people and taken questions to respond to many times as part of public speaking, something not for the feint hearted.

My most memorable occasion was being the MC in a fund raising walk function graced by a former Vice President of Kenya, but I have also been an MC at corporate functions involving captains of industry, at CSR events and at annual staff parties and customer cocktails. I have been a guest of honor at various bank functions including churches; school sports days and so on many of which required me to make a speech as a bank representative. It is something I love doing and while not exactly easy it is something that I have grown to be quite good at and which I enjoy immensely.

Public speaking is about reading the mood of the crowd, acknowledging the solemnity or light heartedness of the occasion and also veering off from the agreed script if necessary to inject some humor or to refocus the crowd towards the goings on or the purpose of the function. It takes patience and diplomacy and the ability to take decisions on the fly and sometimes to say ‘to hell with the consequences’.

It was not always easy because upto today, the sense of fear and dread that you shall make a mess of it always precedes any function. Butterflies fritter in your stomach, you break out into a cold sweat and fear that the equipment may malfunction. However once you commence the function, all jitters go away and I am in my element confident and ready to face anything thrown at me.

It is therefore no longer a surprise to me that some of those who are supremely confident when talking to the family, friends or peers fall apart when they are faced with a situation where they have to address a crowd because it takes tenacity, patience and a cool head. It also takes some practice particularly for training sessions and when making power point presentations to a crowd of people because you want the content to flow and for you to be within the agreed timelines that have been set for you.

So next time you have a function and are looking for an MC – look no further!!